Drum roll please... Well, we know I didn't hit the goal I was hoping to hit, but the verdict is in:


The bad news first, let's just get that out of the way. I'm 3.2 pounds heavier than I was hoping to be on this day. The really crappy part about it is even though it was a lofty goal, if I hadn't gained two weeks ago I probably would have made it. In fact I'm almost certain I would have. If I had stayed the same from the previous week (153.6), I would have lost one pound the next week (152.6) and then the 1.9 pounds I've lost so far this week. That would have brought me to 150.7 - and honestly, I could have definitely lost .8 pounds that week. But instead, I gained 2.4 pounds. My own fault, and I know that. It's just kind of of crappy realization. Casting that as a goal was sort of reaching a bit high, and had I not slipped up that week I would have made it. It would have been a really nice motivation getting me into the new year.

Now, the good news. I've lost 1.9 pounds so far this week, and I still have two days to go. I'm really proud of that, for many reasons actually. There were quite a number of times this past week I thought to myself, "You know what, there's only a few days left this year; why don't you enjoy them - go get some McDonald's, have an extra Skinny Cow, go pick up some donuts!" and not once have I cheated - I've actually only used 3 of my weekly points so far. So, I guess I'll use that as my new years motivation.

I still have to keep remembering that last New Year's Eve I weighed 182.8. I'm only .3 pounds off from being 30 POUNDS LIGHTER this year. And that's a really good feeling. No, I didn't hit my goal of being in the 140s, and no, I haven't done as well as I wanted to do during my run with Weight Watchers so far - but you know what, I've still made some really good progress this year. 30 pounds! Gone! Forever! That feels pretty damn good. I still have a long way to go (28.1 pounds to be exact) but I'm definitely on my way.

All this is fine and dandy - but then there is the added challenge I will have these next few days. One of my closest friends is flying down to the city for New Year's Eve and she will be staying until Thursday morning. I love this friend dearly, but our relationship is heavily based on food. She is a big girl, I'd pin her somewhere in the 250s or so, and although I never weighed more than the mid-180s our bond over eating is definitely something we've shared over the years. She doesn't make me do anything, and I can only remember once or twice that she even attempted to sway my decision-making, it's just that when I'm around her I for whatever reason just make poor choices. Maybe subconsciously I'm thinking, "Well, hey, I'm not as big as she is, so I have some room to spare," but I don't really think that's the case. I don't really ever look at her as a big girl, as in I don't really consciously recognize that she is bigger than me. Maybe sometimes, like when we go shopping or when we are getting ready to go out, but ironically - not when we eat. When we eat I am usually the one who over-does it. She'll over-eat, sure, but I just blow it out of the water. For example, during my last slip-up, when we decided to get Tim Horton's and Happy's Pizza, she had 3 donuts - I had 4, and a bite of hers, and she had 4 pieces of pizza, and I had six. I always tend to eat more than she does, so I never really think of her as big when we are together. TANGENT! The point is, I don't think I'm subconsciously thinking that. So I don't really know what it is, but as my example shows, I always over-eat when I'm with her.

Due to being completely broke, she and I will be cooking most of our meals at my apartment. I've agreed to take her to this famous breakfast place called The Bongo Room as well as take a trip to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I've looked up the menu for The Bongo Room (as I've never been there) and will most likely order a fruit plate and scrambled egg whites. The eggs come with potatoes and toast, both of which I will only eat half - I hope. So, I'm going to throw a out a guess of around 9 points for breakfast. As for The Cheesecake Factory, I will order something off the Skinnylicious menu (which still isn't that great) and I will pin that meal at around 13 points. We won't be going to both places on the same day, so I think I can balance out enough on the other meals each day to still stay within my points.

Tonight is New Year's Eve, of course, and I'm not even going to worry about counting points for the booze I'm going to drink. The way I see it, even if I take the time to count, I'm not going to care about going over. It's New Year's Eve, it's not some random Saturday. It's this sort of thing that kind of ties in to the realization I had a few weeks ago. In order to make my weight-loss something that will stick with me long term, it's all about finding the balance in life. I don't remember where I read this, but someone wrote an article about an eating cycle [when maintaining your weight] of 4-2-1: four days out of the week you are spot on and eat everything 100% on plan, whatever the plan may be; two days out of the week you are a little less strict but still stay close to your plan; and one day out of the week is your free day, within reason of course. In that same article, the writer discusses special events, in the sense that if you are out to dinner or at a function or anything along those lines, consider the event: is it a random evening with your friends, or is it someone's birthday? Did someone bring donuts into work on a random Wednesday, or is it your company's annual picnic? Those types of things. If it's just a random, ordinary day, behave. Don't over-do it. If it's a special event, go ahead a splurge a little bit. Well, tonight is my spurge!

I've taken half days at work the last two days due to being slightly sick, in addition to not having a whole lot to doing being that everyone I support is on vacation. My boss was going to let me leave early again today, but since I have to leave early on Monday to pick up a friend from the airport I decided to at least try to make it to 3:00 or 4:00, which I've almost succeeded (as opposed to leaving a noon as I've done the past two days). ANYWAY. To keep myself busy I've been paroozing some weight-loss blogs and stumbled upon something that literally screamed my name - screamed my name in the sense that I could have written it.

In a post Lyn from Escape from Obesity wrote:

I lived in that "diet cycle" for years and years... I would count my calories and measure my food... all morning and then something would trigger me to throw it out the window so I could eat xyz and "start over tomorrow." And I start-over-tomorrowed myself... for the better part of a decade. Not a good thing, any way you look at it. SO many people are caught in the same cycle. You want to lose weight, but *in the moment* you want potato chips more, so you eat the chips because you can start over tomorrow. Or worse, you eat the chips and then, since you are starting over tomorrow, you hurry and eat all the other things you want - like cake and ice cream and fried chicken - because when you start over tomorrow you won't be able to have it... But then tomorrow goes the same way, and the next day does too, and it all melds together into one big off-plan eating festival with a sprinkle of dieting on top. Only, this festival does not bring you joy. It just makes you sad.

That. That has been my life. For years. Since I was 14 and first tried to start losing weight. Now, eleven years later, here I am. STILL trying to lose weight. STILL trying to break "the cycle" - still. ELEVEN years later. It's true, I'm at the lowest weight I've ever maintained in my entire adult life, and I'm only about 5 pounds shy from my lowest adult weight ever, but it doesn't soften the blow that if I had just gotten this done when I was 14, or 16, or 21, or 23 even - I would be done now.

What Lyn said rings very true to me. I can't even count how many times I've pulled the "well, today is already screwed up, might as well enjoy it" or the "I'm going to eat this right now because tomorrow I can't have it" cards. Way too many times for me to even pretend to count. And what's even crazier than the acts themselves is that I always felt completely justified in doing them. I did. Each time. It made perfect sense to me to indulge in an extra dessert, or an extra menu item, or an extra whatever it was because the following day, those food items would be omitted from my spectrum of consumption. It made perfect sense to me to overeat for the remainder of an "already screwed up day" because, hey, it was already screwed up.

Now, when I think about it - was I CRAZY!?

Of COURSE it doesn't make sense! If you're not supposed to eat it tomorrow, why the hell is it okay for you to eat it today!? If you've already screwed up once in a day, why screw up more!? Not to sound too valley girl about it, but, like, seriously!? I am literally shaking my head at the very thought of it. And the ridiculous thing is: I've done this FOR YEARS!

I am very confident that once the new year hits I will have new motivation and an extra fire in my belly (no pun intended) to get this done once and for all. The last month especially has been difficult, with the holidays and going back and forth to Michigan every other weekend. I know for a fact that staying in Chicago for an extended period of time will be a HUGE help in and of itself, not to mention the extra boost with the new year. This week has been good so far. True it's only been a couple days, but I already avoided a few temptations: I really wanted to stop and grab fast food on Wednesday when I was running some errands, and today, all day long, the woman who sits in the desk next to me has had a birthday cake, just sitting there - and I haven't gotten a piece.

I think I just really need to keep Lyn's words in my head each time I try to give myself that phony justification. Because that's all it is ... phony. You can talk your way out of anything, but your body won't let you lie. And mine sure hasn't. It tells the truth about every single thing I've ever put into my mouth, every single day I talked myself out of a workout, every single moment of weakness and bad decision I've ever made - it's all right there, out in the open, no where to hide. And you can't talk yourself out of that.

Time to break the cycle - once and for all!

I apparently lied in my last post when I said I was going to take a break from blogging for the remainder of the year. I'm not sure if I'll blog much for the remainder of the year, but I at least wanted to talk about this.

Last night I had my first Pilates class. I was kinda nervous going into it. I sat on my couch waiting to head downstairs (the studio is right downstairs and around the corner from my apartment, about a two minute walk) and so many thoughts were circling in my head - mainly just one thought: "God, I hope I'm not the fattest one there." Such a petty fear, I realize this, but it did make me a little apprehensive. The class was small, only four of us and the instructor - presumably due to it being a holiday week - and yes, I was in fact the fattest one there. The three other women who were attending the class have obviously all been taking Pilates for quite some time. All of them were a bit older - I'd peg the youngest in her late 30s and the other two in their 40s - but they had great bodies. The younger of the three was a little bit bigger, around my size but definitely a lot more toned.

Throughout the workout there were definitely moments I felt a little out of my league. The instructor was well aware that this was my first class and she definitely gave me a little extra attention, making sure I was doing the movements right and all that. Being that the class was so small I didn't mind her singling me out - normally I would have hated it - but it actually was okay. For the most part she didn't have to alter my movements at all. I can only remember one time when she really had to adjust me. The other two or three times she just had to mention something to me and I made the adjustments myself. After the work out she told me I did a really good job - it was one of those moments, though, where I questioned if I had actually done a good job or if she was just saying that to be motivating. There were one or two exercises that were pretty difficult where I could definitely feel things in my body at work, but not the majority, which makes me wonder how many of the movements I was actually doing correctly. I'm sure once I get more familiar with the class and the movements and whatnot I'll start to feel more confident in what I'm doing.

This morning when I woke up I expected to be a little sore, but the only spot I really feel sore is around my rib cage. I'm hoping the more I keep going, the more I'll get out of the exercises, and the more sore I'll become. I love being sore from a work out. It makes me feel like I really accomplished something. Nothing worse than busting your butt and then feeling like you didn't get anything done. Another thing about the class that makes me a little worried is that I didn't feel tired. I wasn't terribly out of breath at any point in the work out and I didn't sweat. I realize that Pilates are not really cardio, but I dunno - I guess I'm just used to sweating. I'm hoping ... really REALLY hoping ... that I'll get the results I want. I've mapped out my Pilates classes for January - three times a week each week. I have 10 classes with the program I purchased, and they offer a free class every Sunday, so I'm scheduled out for the next five weeks. At the end of the five weeks I'm going to evaluate and see if it's worth continuing or not. Either way I'm going to stick to these 15 (now 14) classes and make the most out of them!

First thing's first: I'm down a pound. I'm actually okay with that, and I'll explain why in a minute. Next item on the agenda: obviously I did not blog at least once a day as I'd previously decided. The fact of the matter is I simply didn't have time. A busy couple of days at work coupled with driving to Michigan for the holiday weekend simply ate up all of my time. However, even without blogging I was able to do very well, for the most part... Now, back to the reason why I'm okay with just one pound lost. As I said, I ate very well this last week every day, almost. Sunday night was the exception. I did NOT eat well Sunday night. I'm not going to get into the gritty details, but let's just say obscene amounts of donuts and pizza were involved. Needless to say, a one-pound loss actually feels pretty decent considering how off track I got that night.

I've made a decision over the last couple of days that I think will help me get back on track without losing my mind. The fact of the matter is, the holidays are hard! Most people gain weight during the holidays, so to even maintain your weight should be considered a success. Since I started Weight Watchers I've lost 7.2 pounds. Is that how much I wanted to lose? No, absolutely not. BUT, this 7.2 pounds was lost during the two most difficult weight-loss months of the year: November and December - smack dab in the middle of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. So, at the end of the day I have to be proud of myself. On the other hand, the main reasons of my not losing as much as I would have liked are not necessarily reasons related to the holidays, and these are things I will need to work on. So, here is my new plan...

Obviously I will not be reaching my goal of being in the 140s by New Years Eve - even if I worked out every single day and ate perfectly there is no way I'll be able to lose 5.1 pounds in one week. So, my new goal for the remainder of 2012 is to NOT GAIN! If I can start 2013 at a solid 155 pounds, or less, then I will be happy. That will give me a solid 30 pounds to lose in four months - 17 weeks to be exact, which works out to be about 1.76 pounds per week. Is this a lofty goal? Absolutely, and to be honest I may not be able to do it. However, with that being said, it is possible. It's not terribly off the wall or completely out of reach. It's difficult, yes, but realistic at the same time.

I'm going to take a conscious break from blogging for the remainder of 2012. I have a friend coming in on Monday for New Years Eve and she will be staying until Thursday morning. These are going to be difficult days, so I will be preparing myself by staying 100% on plan from now until she lands Monday afternoon. I went to the gym this morning for a very quick run, as I will do tomorrow and Friday as well. I also am starting my Pilates classes tonight, and will be also going tomorrow night and Sunday night as well. Once she gets in Monday I'm going to make smart choices, but I'm not going to worry about tracking or counting points. I'm just going to eat reasonably and, again, try not to gain.

Wednesday morning I will weigh-in (although I probably won't blog my results until Thursday at work). I am hoping I will be able to at the very least maintain my current weight of 155 and start the new year off with new motivation. The fact is, I know once New Year's Eve has come and gone I will find a new fire inside me. Right now, I'm just kind of beat up. 2012 was not a good year for me, for many reasons, and although I'm not completely happy with the progress I've made, I have to think about one thing:

Last New Year's Eve (January 3rd to be exact) I weighed 182.8 pounds. This New Year's Eve, I will be almost 30 pounds lighter. And that's a good feeling. Maybe I've struggled these last couple of months, but I have made progress. And I need to start realizing that. I need to start focusing on the changes I have made, and not focus so strongly on the changes I still want to make. Bottom line: I know I'll get there. Maybe not by May 1. Maybe by May 31, or sometime in June. But I will get there. I will be 125 pounds in time to enjoy the summer.

Yepp. +2.4 pounds. I'm not surprised. At all. And to be honest, I've had this coming for weeks now. There have been several weeks I've cheated in one way or another and I really didn't pay a big price. So, I'm paying for it now. To be honest, I'm okay with it. I think I needed it actually.

The past few weeks I've been skating by on luck. I'm stilled stunned about losing during a few of those weeks. This gain has been due for quite some time now. And the fact of the matter is, I think if it hadn't come I would have continued to keep walking down the path I've been on: eating terribly, not working out, and still hoping for good results. I've been lucky; now, reality has finally caught up with me.

I've been on Weight Watcher's for six weeks now, and I've only lost 6.2 pounds. That's barely a pound a week. I could sit here and put my positive twist on it and say, "Hey, it's 6.2 pounds off my body," but the fact of the matter is I'm not proud of that. Six weeks in? I should not be down ONLY 6.2 pounds!

I can do it. I know I can. I KNOW I can. There isn't even an ounce of doubt in my body. So then WHY has it been so difficult for me?

The holidays? Maybe.
Distractions at work? Definitely.
Self sabotage? ... Hmm.

No, I don't think that's it. I think it's as simple as I just haven't cared. I've been so worried about looking cute at work because of my crush that I haven't come into work dirty in order to push me to go to the gym. I've been so lazy about grocery shopping and cooking, and so complacent about what I eat in general. Ugh. I dunno. I'm mad at myself, that's for DAMN sure!

BUT. What's done is done. Today I went to the gym. First time in over two weeks. Was it the greatest work out? No. But it was a work out none the least. I've also decided I'm going to sign up for Pilates classes. There is a studio right downstairs from my apartment. Today on the way home from work I'm going to stop in and figure out what would be the best for me. They have classes Wednesday and Thursday night and Saturday and Sunday morning, and they also have a free class every Sunday evening. I'm DEFINITELY going to be participating in the free Sunday classes from now on (except this weekend, obviously, as I will be in Michigan). I'm going to make sure I do EVERY Wednesday AND EVERY Thursday, that way if I decide I want to sleep in on the weekends I'll still have three classes a week under my belt.

So, I guess I have a new plan.

• I'm going to start taking Pilates classes 3-5 times a week (3 MINIMUM).
• I'm going to go to the gym EVERY DAY - weights daily, cardio Tuesdays and Thursdays.
• I'm never going to eat into my weekly points unless I'm out for a meal or there's a special event.
• I'm going to keep a pack of gum in my purse, in my desk, and in my coffee table at all times!
• I'm going to blog at least once a day.