Surprise, surprise: another abandoned weight loss blog. I'm not popping in to make excuses or to explain why I've been gone. The fact is, life happened, and I quit. It's as simple as that. But, I am here to say that I'm back ... but in a different way.

Here we go. A whole new outlook on this crazy thing called weight loss. I really feel good about the decisions I've made in getting myself back on track. I think the most positive addition to my weight loss plan is the creation of my Tumblr account, Inspire Your Desire. The folks on Tumblr that create diet, fitness, and weight loss blogs, aka. "Fitblrs," are really incredible. Ironically they are, for the most part, a younger crowd (I've seen many teenagers and early 20's), and yet they have such a better grasp on the best ways to create a healthy lifestyle. They don't rely on fancy weight loss or fitness programs. They don't create meal plans. They don't obsess over numbers, or timelines, or anything. They just take the journey day by day and make the right choices.


That's it. It's that simple. Eat right. Exercise. And you will get there. Boom. The mentality they radiate on a daily basis has been such a motivator for me. Although this past week I was only maintaining, it really helped me keep focused on what I was eventually going to be a part of. Anxious to get started, I didn't wait until my weigh in this morning to get started with eating better. I enjoyed the weekend and first thing Monday morning I was back on track, and, so far, have been ever since. When I felt like I wanted to cheat or go off track I simply pulled out my phone or walked to my computer and scrolled through the hundreds of motivational images. The more users I follow the more images I see, and the more images I see the more motivation I receive  I don't know why I didn't think to do this sooner! The concepts of clean eating, running, and weight training are chanted page after page, and I love it! I really think it's going to be a HUGE tool in my success.

Moving on. So, this morning I weighed in but I also decided to re-take my measurements and compare them to the measurements I took my first day of P90X.

OLD Weight:	151 pounds	NEW Weight:	161.8 pounds
OLD Chest:	37.5"	NEW Chest:	39"
OLD Waist:	30"	NEW Waist:	35.75"
OLD Hips:	38.5"	NEW Hips:	40"
OLD Right Arm*:	12.5"	NEW Right Arm*:	12.25"
OLD Left Arm*:	12"	NEW Left Arm*:	11.5"
OLD Right Thigh:	21.5"	NEW Right Thigh:	22.25"
OLD Left Thigh:	21"	NEW Left Thigh:	22"
OLD Body Fat:	27%	NEW Body Fat:	33%

* The comparison of my arm measurements isn't a real comparison as I was flexing during the old measurements, per the P90X instructions. I decided not to flex this time around, however, as I don't walk down the street constantly flexing my arms. I wanted a true reading of what my arms were like simply lifted (in other words, how low does my arm flab hang), so I won't be flexing during any new measurements taken for my arms.

Now, some of you may be thinking, "Wait a second. It's Wednesday. And she weighs-in on Wednesday. So, where is the weigh-in? Did she skip it?" No, I didn't skip the weigh-in. I weighed-in this morning at 161.6 - a 2.4 pound gain from last week. When I saw that on the scale this morning, the first thought that came into my brain was, "FUCK! FUCK THIS! I QUIT!" But then I thought again. And the truth is, I haven't really been trying recently. I've been so consumed with the fact that I've messed up that instead of just getting back into the swing of things I've just been making this worse! And then, I realized something...

The past DOESN'T matter. It doesn't matter that I've gained 10.6 pounds. It doesn't matter that twice in my life I blew up to almost 190 pounds. It doesn't matter that I've been fat my entire life. It doesn't matter. None of it does. All that matters is the here and now. All that matters is today. Yes, I've messed up, really badly. I've managed to gain back all but .6 pounds of what I'd lost this time around. That's the reality, and I'm not attempting to deny that it's happened. But it has, and sitting here whining about it or getting angry at myself isn't going to solve anything.

I've spent the last few days really thinking about what I want out of the whole journey. I've spent so long fighting to lose weight, and even though each and every single time I thought I was ready, I wasn't. I wanted results, and I wanted them so badly that when I didn't see them I started to give up. I would change my life so drastically and fully commit to something, and then slowly I would lose motivation. I would give it my all for one, two, three months, and then I'd look in the mirror or glance down at the scale, and think to myself, "This isn't enough." It was never enough. Two years ago when I got down into the 140s for the first [and only] time in my adult life, it wasn't enough. Eight weeks ago when I was at 151 pounds, it wasn't enough. So, I reverted to my old habits - because, let's face it, I'm a fat kid at heart. I am, and always will be.

So, where do I go from here? I need to find balance. I know I've said that before [recently], but this time I think I actually know what it means.

The thing is, I don't need to be 125 pounds by May 1 (my original goal date). I don't need to be 125 pounds by August 16 (my birthday). I don't even need to be 125 pounds by December 31 (New Year's Eve 2014). I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be better. Maybe by May 1 I can be back to the low 150s - that's better than where I am now. Maybe by August 16 I can be in the 130s - that's way better than where I am now. And maybe by December 31 my body will say "no, enough is enough" and I will be content at 128, 130, 135 pounds. And even if I'm not there, well, that's okay too. The point is, I need to figure out a way to take elements of my current lifestyle and merge them with elements of a better lifestyle. I need to make changes to the way I live, period, and hopefully in doing that, I will see the results I want to see ... naturally.

What does that mean exactly? Baby steps.

I know what I've been doing: not working out, not eating right, binging, eating late at night, not drinking enough water, donuts, cookies, quesadillas, pizza, large portions, second helpings, third helpings, eating when I'm not hungry, grease, deep-fried, relaxing too much, being lazy, fast food, not enough sleep ... preventing myself from reaching my goals.

And I know what I want to be doing: I want to be a runner, I want to finish P90X, I want to have a whole-foods approach to food, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, nuts, low-fat dairy, squats, lunges, push ups, pull ups, YOGA, pilates, 5Ks, half marathons, marathons, fitness, health, beauty, confidence ... things that will naturally bring me happiness.

Yesterday is gone, there's nothing I can do about it. Today I will make changes, so that tomorrow I can be the me I want to be. I'm not going to obsess over the scale. I'm not going to obsess over the timeline. I'm not going to obsess over one bad meal, or one missed work out. I'm not going to freak out because I can't run as fast as the person running next to me. I'm not going to freak out because I have to buy a medium instead of a small. I'm not going to freak out because I can't wear a bikini this summer. I'm not going to give up because I won't be PERFECT in my new license picture. I'm not going to give up because I won't be PERFECT at my cousin's wedding. I'm not going to give up because one more summer will slip away without me being PERFECT.

I WON'T BE PERFECT!
I won't eat 1200 calories a day, or 26 points a day. I won't go to the gym every day. I won't run every day. I won't drink 8 glasses of water every day. I won't get 8 hours of sleep every night. I won't go to pilates every week. I won't go to yoga every week. I won't lose two or three pounds every week. I won't lose 10 pounds every month. I WON'T BE PERFECT.

BUT I WILL BE BETTER!
I will eat better foods. I will stick to a reasonable amount of calories/points most days, and some days I will have a little more. I will go to the gym twice a week, and do the 10-Minute Trainer program on the days I don't. I will run [outside] once the warm weather comes. I will drink more water than I am drinking now. I will make a stronger effort to go to sleep a little earlier during the week. I will go to pilates every other week to start. I will enroll in a yoga class once I hit 145 pounds. I will lose weight. I will lose weight. I will lose weight. I WILL BE BETTER.

I need to stop focusing on being perfect. I can't be perfect. I am and will always be a fat kid. Period. I will always want greasy, salty, sugary, deep-fried, comfort foods. I will always have to push myself to get to the gym or to go for that run. I will always struggle with my weight. These are facts. BUT - I can indulge in those comfort foods less than I do now. I can get to the gym, or go for that run. I can fight the fight, and win the struggle. I can do this. But...

...it will take time. I don't except to lose weight every week. I expect to lose, and then gain, and then lose, and then gain, and then lose some more. I expect to get frustrated. I expect to want to give up. I expect to get impatient. I expect to ALMOST quit. But I never will. I will NEVER settle for the body that I have. Maybe I'll never be 125 pounds with washboard abs, perky boobs, and a firm butt. Maybe I'll never have that. But I damn well can have something better than I do now! And THAT is what I'm shooting for.

I've created a Tumblr account, Inspire Your Desire. It's kind of a mess right now, but it won't be for long, and eventually it will be my constant source for inspiration. Days I want to quit, days I want to give up, days I feel like it's just not good enough ... I'll go there. So, here is my first official snag from my Tumblr...

I thought it might be a good idea to pop in here before my weigh-in tomorrow. This week has been, well, eh. It's been eh. My pattern for almost every single day was eating really well throughout the day and then eating like crap at night. In my mind I'm hoping it all balanced out. I don't THINK I gained anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if I did, or at least didn't lose anything.

I guess I'm kinda stuck. I feel like I'm in a better place right now with weight loss but at the same time, I think maybe I feel that way because I'm starting to get content with how I am. The irritating thing about that thinking is ... I'm NOT content with how I am. It's like every day I wake up and feel differently about how I look. But, at the end of the day, no matter how I spin it, I don't want to weigh 158-some-odd pounds. I want to weigh less than that.

Maybe I'll never reach 125 pounds. Maybe that's just not in the cards for me. Maybe, for me, my body just won't ever get there. But see, even THAT is a lie because it's not my BODY that's preventing me from doing this. It's MYSELF. I'M the one eating when I shouldn't be eating. I'M the one who has been too lazy to work out. I'M the one who isn't trying as hard as she should be trying. Me. Just me. And it sucks.

I need to really figure out how I'm going to do this. I need to figure out a balance. I'm anxious to see what the scale says tomorrow. If I've lost weight, even if it's only a little bit, then that means my day-on, night-off strategy may work for the long run. No, even if I've lost weight this week, I really need to get a little better than how I've been. The last few nights especially I kind of went a little overboard with my late-night snacking. The good news is that I don't have anything else left to snack on in my house, so at least the rest of the week I won't be doing that. I think that's something I need to really consider, too. At night when I get the munchies, if I have a well-stocked house, I tend to lose control. The logic here is, "If I keep a house of well-stocked, healthy snacks then I won't over-eat, or order something not healthy for take out or delivery," and while that is decent logic, it just doesn't pan out. I think I need to consider not stocking my house with a lot of food. Fruits, vegetables, and sandwich fixings. That should really be it. I mean, let's face it, I eat the same crap every day pretty much - fruit salad for breakfast, a salad from the salad bar downstairs for lunch, and a sandwich for dinner. I mean, that's the only food I really need to keep in my house. If I do that, then I won't have anything to munch on. The fear there is this plan will resort me to ordering greasy take out, but I need to learn some control! And I think it'll be easier for me to resist spending money and making a phone call and waiting for the delivery than it will be to wander into the kitchen and make something myself. I dunno.

I really don't know. I'm sort of at a crossroads I think - in that I'm at a point where I need to decide if I really want to do this or not. If I don't, I need to tone up, period. If I do, then I need to quit fucking around and just GET IT DONE! I should be done by now. Way done by now. I started this blog in November. That's about 4.5 months. Definitely was enough time to lose 30 pounds. I started my old blog LAST January. That's almost a year and a half ago! I mean, this is just getting out of control! The amount of time I've wasted is just ... staggering. It really is.

Okay, I've made up my mind. That was easy. I'm doing this. Since I pretty much cleaned out my house the last few nights, tonight I know I will be fine. This weekend a friend of mine is coming down for St. Patrick's Day, so I'm not even going to sit here and pretend like I'm not going to cheat. But until then, and after then, I am going to stick with this. I'm going to do exactly what I just said - fruit salad for breakfast, salad for lunch, sandwich for dinner. Day in, day out. And I'm going to do this.

My goal this month is to lose weight. That's it. Pretty simple. I think I can do that. Do I want to stretch the goal? Maybe. I mean, if I'm dreaming, it would be nice to see (by the first of each month)...

April - low 150s (151)
May - mid 140s (144)
June - high 130s (138)
July - low 130s (132)
August - GOAL (125)

These are rough numbers of course, but it's about 6-7 pounds a month, which is doable. It's high for sure, but it's doable, if I quit fucking around and just DO IT already. This way I can be close to goal on Forth of July (no one is really going to look at me and think "gee, she should probably lose 7 pounds"), and at goal by my birthday and my cousin's wedding.

I'm not going to commit to working out right now. The bottom line is I won't commit and it'll just make me upset. Right now I need to get my eating back under control. That will be the goal the rest of March - just to get my eating under control. Come April I'll see where I'm at and maybe start incorporating some P90X back into it. We'll see. For now, one thing at a time. And the thing right now is food. Ready, set... GO (I'm going, THIS TIME, I'm going!)

So, here I am, checking in - and a day early as it turns out. So, how have I done?

Terrible. Just terrible.

Long story short, I've COMPLETELY fallen out of the mindset to get this done. It makes sense though. Usually I'm all raring to go with weight loss October/November. Then the holidays hit and I take a break. Then in January/February I keep thinking, "Hey, it's winter! Who cares? I can layer!" Well, February is [almost] over. And it's time to get back into things.

I've decided I can't hold myself to a rigorous diet like Medifast or even the P90X Nutrition Plan. I just don't have the mindset to stick to something like that right now. But something is better than nothing. So I'm going back to Weight Watchers. I'm not throwing P90X away completely, however. I plan on re-starting on Saturday. I won't follow the program exactly - I'll probably skip a day here and there and get off schedule a little bit, but again, something is better than nothing. I need to stop focusing on the all or nothing mentality. That's what got me back to where I am now.

Where am I? I don't know. I know I said I was going to weigh in come the first of March, but I can't. I have NO desire to step on that scale. If I had to guess I would assume I was back around ... oh ... 160? That's my guess. I haven't been pigging out constantly, but I've eaten out a LOT. And I can just feel it in my cloths. I ordered a pair of green skinny jeans for St. Patrick's Day and I ordered two sizes - 5/6 and 7/8 - simply because I have a feeling I'll need the larger size. My cloths (my pants that is) are all still fitting, but only a few weeks/a month ago they were feeling somewhat loose. Now, they just fit. Period. Even though [almost] all of my pants are 5/6s, they are from a brand that tends to run a little bigger. So, realistically, I'll need a 7/8 in these. At least I hope so! If I have to jump up to a 9/10 I'll be crushed!

At this point, I can't point fingers at anyone. This was all my doing 100%. I will NOT reach 125 pounds by May. I'll be lucky to be in the 130s by then - hell - even the 140s. But you know what, it's okay. As much as I would have LOVED to have been thin this summer, oh well.

So, here I am. Facing a new month and [hopefully] armed with a new will to get this done. Weight Watchers for my diet, [modified] P90X for my work outs, and [hopefully] a positive, no-quit attitude. With the warm weather just around the corner I KNOW I will have a new surge of motivation soon. Saturday I plan on going to the grocery store and stocking my fridge with my old-school, lazy Weight Watchers food - Lean Cuisines, Lean Pockets, Smart Ones, etc. I'm going to print off a P90X schedule that doesn't have set dates or days of the week attached to it, just the "number" of the workout - in other words, I'm not going to go off of 90 DAYS, but 90 WORKOUTS. However long it takes me to do 90 work outs.

Hopefully I will stick to this throughout March, at which point I'll go ahead and weigh myself when April roles around. I'll probably be back down to the low 150s at that point, and although this will bum me out (a whole month of dieting just to get back to where I JUST was) it will bum me out a LOT more to step on the scale and realize where I tragically am now.

I really want to get this done. And it's all up to me. I've had enough of this! No more time WASTED! I started Weight Watchers in November. If I had stuck to it this entire time that would be four whole months. And I would have been almost DONE by now - I probably would have only had a few pounds left to go. It doesn't matter! ... Shit happens. The time passed and I didn't accomplish anything. OH WELL! - MORE time will pass and I will STILL not accomplish anything if I don't KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF!

So. That's what I'm doing. Knocking it the HELL OFF! Tomorrow = a new month; a new start; and the beginning of the end of this nonsense. This time ... I PROMISE!

So, I don't think I need to say that I've been pretty MIA for quite a while. LONG story short, I've hit a slump. A big one. P90X went great for the first week, then this past week was just plain terrible. I'm going to spare everyone the details; I'm trying a new philosophy:

Don't linger on thoughts of the past, just move on.

And that's what I'm doing. Moving on. I've realized recently that I've been looking at everything the wrong way, and because of that I've been struggling. I need to keep things simple. I need to just DO. So, here is my new plan, and hopefully it's a good one.

NUTRITION
I know how to eat. I know good choices for breakfast are oatmeal and an orange, or scrambled eggs and a light English muffin, or a fruit salad and Greek yogurt. I know good choices for lunch are a turkey sandwich with carrot sticks, or a chicken ranch roll up on a light tortilla and an apple, or a veggie-filled salad. I know good choices for dinner are a lean cut of steak with half a baked potato and a side salad, or a barbecue chicken breast and veggies, or a small serving of sushi with edamame. I know these things. So why do I need to lay out a meal plan and force myself to eat this food here and that food there? Why do I need to sit down and count up all my points/calories/whatever? Why can't I just trust my own judgement? Don't eat junk food. Don't over eat. Don't over drink. Simple! Why do I keep making it so hard? I know how to eat, and for the most part I eat well. So, that's what I'm going to do. I’m not going to think about it. I'm just going to buy good foods, eat good breakfasts, pack good lunches, and cook good dinners. I'm going to avoid alcohol at all costs - I'm not really a fan of it these days anyway, why tack on the added calories? As for my other indulgence of choice, I'm simply not going to eat during those times. I'm never hungry when I smoke, but food just sounds good, then it IS good so I just keep eating. So, no more eating when I smoke. When I go out with friends, I'll partake. If they are having pizza, I'll have some, but one slice instead of five. If they are going out for pasta, I'll have some, but a half order instead of a full order. If they are going to grab some Chinese, or a burger, or whatever - I'll go too ... but I'll make the best choice I can. I want to live! ... I think the 80-20 rule needs to come into my life a little better, with the 20 being reserved for dining at a nice steak house instead of binging on donuts or cookies. I need to find a balance in my life, I never have before and it's been my biggest problem. Medifast had NO balance, and P90X, although my desired way of eating, is too much for me to take on right now. I need to get my weight off, then I can focus on TRANSITIONING into a clean-eating lifestyle. For now, baby steps.

FITNESS
I’m going to keep doing P90X - I really think I will get great results from it simply because I build and maintain muscle really quickly - but I’m going to make it work for me. Today will be the start of my "week two" - I'm combining my first two weeks as one week - however, my "day one" will not always fall on Mondays. Basically, I'm going to do the work outs, but I'm not going to hold myself to perfection. In other words, if I need to take an extra rest day in the middle of the week, I will. But I won’t skip the work out, I’ll just push it to the next day. Basically, I'm just going to hold myself accountable to the number of work outs in each phase, not the time frame for each phase. The "three" remaining weeks I have of phase one might turn into four weeks - oh well! I’ll get all the work outs in and then I’ll move onto phase two. The program will take me longer than 90 days - oh well! It is what it is. But I’ll finish it! I think taking the pressure off it will make it more attainable for me in the long run. It will get rid of the “perfect or nothing” attitude I think I’ve had towards it. Doing the program this way will get rid of that – I don’t have a schedule to follow. I just have a number for the amount of times I should do each work out before I move onto the next phase. My ONLY RULE is to not have more than one rest day in a row. And I think I can stick to that. I'll finish the program, but it won't be P"90"X for me ... and that's okay.

WEIGHING
Last Saturday I gave my neighbor my scale. I couldn't look at it anymore. On January 24 I was 151 pounds, then on February 2 I was 155 pounds. Four pounds in a little over a week. True, some of it was water retention from starting to do weight training, but not four pounds worth! Then Superbowl Sunday happened, and all my slip ups last week - I don't even want to think about it right now. SO - I'm going to have my neighbor hang onto my scale until May. I’m only going to let myself weigh in on the first of every month, just to see if I’m moving in the right direction. So, two weeks from now on March 1, then a month later April 1, then another month later on May 1. At that point I’ll take the scale back and depending on where I am I’ll continue to weigh monthly or go back to weekly. Right now I need to make up for some lost time before I start seeing a number every week. I know it's going to be scary not knowing my weight, but I really think it will be good for me. My weight will be my weight no matter if I look at it or not; what's more important than looking at the number is making sure I'm making the right choices to make that number change, and I can do that without forcing myself to stare at my scale every week.

---

What's the moral of the story? I need to figure out a way to feel like I'm not TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT! I've been "trying to lose weight" for years ... and years ... and years ... and here I am: 150-some-odd pounds STILL trying to break into the 140s and down into the land of thin-wonderfulness. Obviously, "trying to lose weight" doesn't work for me. So, what am I doing now? Living. Trying to live a better lifestyle.

What does that mean?

...well...

That means that I'm going to take a little break from my blog. Part of me thinks it will be an enormous mistake, but the other part thinks it could be a great step! I don't want to rely on this blog to be the only reason I'm motivated to do well with my "diet" and fitness program. I need to find something deeper inside me that pushes me to do it.

So, now that you know my plan, I bid you farewell - for just a little while. I'm going to take the next two weeks and just BE for a while. I'll be back on March 1 to report my weigh-in.

Until then...

So, remember how I said that Plyometrics is awesome and it's my new favorite work out and I love it and we are going to whisk off into the sunset and have a beautiful life together?

Yeah - scratch that.

I am in SO much pain today I can't even begin to express the reality of the situation to you. Today I'm supposed to do Shoulders & Arms and another go of Ab Ripper X, but the very thought of making myself do ANYTHING physical other than walking is an absolute joke! Even walking is a horrendous experience! I'm really bummed because I really was looking forward to kicking butt again today. But I'm terrified that if I  move the wrong way or even sneeze for that matter I'm going to really hurt myself. I guess I'll just use today as my rest day and catch up on Wednesday with everything. I don't really know, but I know that working out right now would be an absolute train wreck. I suppose taking one day off to recover versus taking a few weeks off because of an injury is an easy choice - right?

Literally, getting out of bed was probably comparable to the pain of child birth - and sitting down on / getting up from the toilet? Don't even get me started. It's literally like someone came over to me in the middle of the night with a hammer and just started beating the hell out of my legs. My quads especially. Ugh, and I'm supposed to go out with my neighbor again tonight ... HOW am I going to do that!?

Oh, speaking of my neighbor ... In other news, I kinda messed up last night with my nutrition plan. I ended up going out spontaneously with my neighbor and her brother and his friend who popped into town unexpectedly for a visit. We went out and met up with some other people for drinks and appetizers. I at first was only going to have one drink and call it a day, but one drink turned into two, turned into three, turned into ordering a chicken quesadilla, and, well, I think you get the gist. Needless to say I made a boo-boo. I'm not super concerned with it though as it's just one day. Tony Horton actually recommends having two "cheat days" to keep yourself from going crazy. So I guess that was mine. I don't think he'd be happy about the quesadilla though even if he could get past the five tequila waters. *shame*

But today is a new day! And so far so good - at least with the nutrition portion of things! I had my Sausage Omelet & English Muffin about an hour ago and I'll be having my Peanut Butter Apple shortly. Even if I can't work out today at least I can stick to the nutrition plan I guess. Gotta do what you gotta do in these cases I suppose...

I just finished my Plyometrics work out, and I gotta say one quick thing before I say anything else ... I LOVED it! It was SO hard and SO intense, but it was SO much fun at the same time. There were a few moves I couldn't do, that's for sure. There were two jumps, one where you had to bring your knees in front of you flat like a tabletop (90° angle from your torso) and another where you had to keep your torso and upper legs straight, but bend your leg at the knee and bring your feet up to almost touch your butt. Neither of those were successful for me, hahaa. But, as you can see, unlike yesterday's work out where my "failures" made me depressed and wanting to give up, my "failures" today made me laugh. I think the reason is because not only do I know they were really advanced moves but because I did well with the majority of the rest of the work out. I felt like I kept up with the people on the DVD really well, and that made me feel fantastic! I honestly feel like I could conquer the world right now *dances*

Well, my Chicken Parmesan is cooking on the stove so I should probably get back to it! Just wanted quickly state officially for the record that Plyometrics is my NEW FAVORITE WORKOUT!

Last night was my first official P90X workout: Chest and Back, followed by Ab Ripper X. I felt really good putting the discs in, knowing that I was going to be one step closer to my goal. I expected the butt-kicking of a lifetime and braced myself to be in horrendous pain. And after it was over? Well. To be honest, I wasn't really sure how I felt about the whole thing.

During the Chest and Back routine there was a moment during when I got really frustrated. Although I was doing every moment to the best of my ability, at least as far as I knew, I didn't really feel any sort of a burn in my back, or chest for that matter. The muscles the exercises were supposed to be targeting almost seemed like they were getting brushed by. My arms began to feel a little sore, but that was really about it. Because of this, I wasn't sure if I was doing the moves right or using the right size bands or whatever the case was. All these variables popped into my head and starting dancing a dance of self-doubt. I started questioning every single movement wondering if I was in any way close to replicating the exercises being demonstrated. Aside from my dance of self-doubt, I was also becoming increasingly frustrated with my inability to do push-ups. Being that the entire work out, for the most part, consisted of push-ups and pull-ups I spent about half the time getting angry at how seemingly weak I was. At one point, I remember sitting on my knees, closing my eyes, and feeling them start to tear up. I could feel myself almost say "Screw it!" and quit.

Then, during a water break, I had a little chat with myself. I told myself that I was doing fine; that I'd never done a work out like this before and that I shouldn't hold myself to the same standards as the people in the video who are a) in far better shape than I am, and b) have done these work outs a bazillion times! I reminded myself that push-ups weren't going to be in every work out, and they are hard; it's okay that I couldn't really do them. After my little conversation I snapped back into it and was able to push through the rest of the workout. The irony is my struggle during this first work out wasn't physical, it was mental.

After Chest and Back it was time for Ab Ripper X. I had done this DVD a few years back when I first got the set from my friend, so I was slightly familiar with the routines. Even with my preparedness I still had to stop the DVD about four minutes into the work out. My legs, for some strange reason, were really sore and lifting them up to do the some of the crunch-moves was really difficult. Tony [Horton, creator and instructor of P90X] says to take breaks if you need them, so I did. I paused the DVD for about 3-4 minutes, said a quick hi to my cat, got a sip of water, and pushed "play." Similar to what was happening during Chest and Back, my abs really didn't feel like they were getting the brunt of the work out. My upper thighs and butt seemed to be carrying all the tension, so once again I was concerned that I was doing something wrong. Maybe I was burnt out so my form was off? I wasn't sure, but I couldn't help feeling discouraged.

After finishing both workouts, I sat on my couch and reflected. I couldn't help thinking of all the blogs and comments on message boards I've read of people saying how miserable they were after their first P90X work out - some to the point of feeling nauseous or even vomiting! And there I sat, completely fine. I wasn't overly tired, I wasn't terribly sweaty, my head and stomach felt fine. I was a little drowsy and warm, but that was about the extent of it. I once again began questioning if I'd even accomplished anything at all. I felt like I tried really hard and pushed as much as I could ... but something still felt like it was missing. The only thing I was able to come up with was that perhaps the reason I didn't feel more wiped out is because I'm used to cardio-based work out, and seeing as this was almost entirely resistance training I simply wasn't feeling that heart-racing feeling I normally would after exercising. I decided it was better to try and forget about all my doubts and just go to sleep; maybe I'll feel more sore in the morning.

When I woke up today I did feel a little more sore. Still not in my proper chest or back, but some of the surrounding areas: my sides and shoulders for example. My abs were a little sore too, but nothing crazy. I do feel a little better about the work outs now. I think the reason I was so upset is because I had anticipated feeling so crappy, and to feel perfectly fine was not only unexpected but it was simply strange. I'm not in the best shape, so to feel just dandy after a butt-kicking work out was just a bit odd. But, clearly I did something right because I am feeling it a little today. Hopefully this type of feeling will only get stronger and stronger the further I get in the program. I still have really good hopes about it! One day down; eighty-nine to go! Tonight: Plyometrics (which I've heard is the hardest P90X work out). Dun, dun, DUN!

Last night I took my measurements and before photos, and honestly, I don't really even know what to say. As much as I would love to for the sake of documentation, I simply can't bring myself to post my "before" shots. At least not yet. They aren't terrible [I suppose], at least not compared to some that are out there, but they just aren't ready for the eyes of the public. I'm thinking when I get to 60 days I'll have made enough progress to show a comparison. Until then, they will simply remain a mystery - if only they could be a mystery to me too! Being that I'm too scared to show my pictures, I'll at least share my measurements:


The irony of the whole situation is those numbers really aren't that bad. 27% body fat is actually considered "acceptable" - in fact, it's only 2% away from the lowest percentage in that category - however, if you were to see my pictures, this percentage is certainly not acceptable! After doing a little bit of research I think I'd like to fall in the 20-21% range, so I have quite a long way to go. As for the other measurements, they don't really mean much to me. I'm not familiar enough with body measurements to really have an opinion - let's just say I'm a far cry away from the 36-24-36 idealism. I do think it's somewhat amusing that my thighs are different sizes. For my arms it totally makes sense because I'm right handed so my right bicep is constantly being worked out in every daily activity; but my legs? I don't get it. Mystery...

After my neighbor helped me take my pictures, during which I was simply mortified, I sat down at my computer and stared at them - for at least 20 minutes. I sat there and examined each and every flaw. Every part of my body I couldn't stand was right there, out in the open, ready to be viewed. My "back" picture actually isn't that bad, and is by far my favorite one to look at. Somehow I've managed to get away without having back rolls, which is a nice little piece of information I've never really known before. My "profile" pictures are just dreadful - my stomach literally looks like it goes out about a mile from the rest of me. It honestly looks like I could almost be pregnant. In my "front" picture you really can't tell, but as soon as I turn to the side it literally looks like I just jumped into my third trimester.

I'm trying really hard to not be upset about what I see. It is what it is, and at this point it can only get better, right? Part of me is crossing my fingers so tight that they are almost cracking in half that I will someday have the body I've always dreamed of; then the other part of me looks at these pictures and thinks how stupid the other half of me must be to even imagine a world so far-fetched that a reality like that could possibly be true. All I can do at this point is do the workouts, put in the effort, eat the right foods, have a positive attitude, and BRING IT each and every day for the next 90 days. And hopefully, if I can do my absolute best, these pictures will only be a small blip on the radar of my life - and they will disappear, forever!

Tomorrow I start P90X. Dun, dun, DUN! ... In my last post I was discussing some fears I have regarding the program, specifically with the calorie intake requirement. Because the workouts are so demanding, the program requires a higher calorie intake than someone who is typically on a diet for weight loss. Under normal circumstances, most women my age and my weight class would aim for a diet of 1200 calories. However, P90X requires that I consume 1800 calories. The additional 600 calories required of me will be used to burn during my workouts. Then I started getting nervous. 600 calories is a LOT to burn in ONE work out. What if I don't burn enough? Then I'll be over-eating. So, I did a little research, and I found this:

The average amount of calories burned while doing a single P90X video seem to range between 550 and 750 calories per hour. KenpoX, Plyometrics, and CardioX tend to burn more calories than the resistance based videos. Also adding Ab Ripper X to the end of your P90X workout will burn an extra 200-250 calories. The resistance based P90X videos do not burn as many calories as the others I mentioned while you are exercising. However, your body tends to burn more calories over the course of several hours after your P90X workout when using the resistance based videos. It seems that most people average 600-700 calories an hour using the P90X system. If you are overweight you will most likely burn 100-200 calories more than the average P90X user. Also, if you are small or very thin you will most likely burn 100-200 calories less than the average P90X user.

In other words, for tomorrow night's workout (Chest & Back and Ab Ripper X) I'll be burning somewhere between 850-1200 tomorrow night! How did I come up with that?

• 550-750 calories for Chest & Back
• 200-250 calories for Ab Ripper X
• 100-200 calories for being overweight

In my last post I mentioned my "final week on Weight Watchers" ... But don't worry, I'm not giving up on weight loss - but I do believe it's time for a change of pace. I still plan to keep my online membership (at least for a little while), but because I am starting P90X on Thursday, and it demands a much higher calorie intake to combat the intense physical activity of the program, there will never be a single day where I am able to stick to my daily points. I believe someone had estimated that you would need to add somewhere between 6 and 10 points to your day, depending on what level you fall within in P90X's nutrition plan, in order to stack up. I also read that the magic of P90X is 80% about the nutrition, and only 20% about the work outs - essentially what that means is if you only do the work outs and not the nutritional portion you could potentially only receive 20% of the benefits intended. Therefore ...

It's time to get clean!

The P90X nutrition plan is all about clean eating. I tried a program similar to their method of nutrition back when I did Michael Thurmond's Six Week Body Makeover back in high school. At the time it was far too difficult for me. I think I only did it for three or four weeks, though I did end up losing about 10 pounds in the process. Now that I'm living on my own and don't have quite as many distractions in my life I'm hoping I can stick to it.

After reviewing the nutrition plan from P90X I was a little bit concerned - especially with regards to how I was going to get all FIVE servings of protein in a day. I'm not really a big meat fan, and really only frequently eat turkey or chicken, so the idea that I was going to have to eat FIVE servings of meat every single day for the first 28 days was CRAZY to me. So, I decided to do a little research and make some alterations. Based on some changes that others have made while they were on the program (none of whom receiving negative impact from their changes) I made a few alterations to the plan in order to make it a little easier to stick to. These changes include adding Greek yogurt as a protein option, using chocolate milk as a substitute for the P90X Peak Recovery Formula, and other minor alterations - all of which have been tested by others who have enjoyed the full benefits of the program. During the first 28 days of the program (Phase 1) my food intake will consist of 5 servings of protein (meats, egg whites, Greek yogurt), 2 servings of dairy (milk, cheese, yogurt), 1 serving of fruit, 2 servings of vegetables, 1 serving of carbs (breads, rice, oatmeal, potatoes), and 2 snacks (string cheese, protein bar, nonfat frozen yogurt), in addition to a small amount of fats and condiments. Each day I also must consume a recovery drink after my work outs. The program suggests their product, of course, however I've read numerous articles that chocolate milk works just as well - wish is PERFECT because I LOVE chocolate milk and ALWAYS crave it.

I spent a good amount of time this weekend working on a meal plan - I wanted to have every meal specifically laid out for me, so all I had to do was look at my plan and cook. No thinking involved. When I think, that's when I tend to make mistakes. With my meal plan I've already done all the thinking and planning so there is much less room for error - all I have to do is eat what it tells me to eat. If I'm not in the mood for something scheduled, oh well - I need to start thinking of food as fuel and not as an object of enjoyment.

Today I went to Jewel and stocked up. I bought an extra mini bottle of chocolate milk because I just couldn't wait until Thursday to crack into it. It's amazing how different my fridge looks. Before, on Weight Watchers, my freezer was STOCKED. My fridge was too of course, but my freezer was crazy stocked. Now? I barely have enough to fill the main section - and the door is completely empty. All I have in there is whole wheat waffles, Italian ice, pork, steak, tilapia, shrimp, turkey sausage, broccoli, and cauliflower. That's basically it.

I'm really excited to start the program. Like, really, really excited. I'm not even really all that scared anymore about the workouts. I mean, I am, but I'm more excited than anything else, which is strange actually. I'm going to take it as a good sign. I've been anxious all weekend to get started; I'm just hoping this enthusiasm lasts... for at least 90 days!

My resistance bands for P90X were supposed to arrive today so I could start the program tonight. However, when it appeared they weren't going to be arriving on time, I spent about an hour going back and forth as to whether or not I should just start the program tomorrow night (assuming the bands would come in of course), maybe double up on my work outs one day this weekend to catch up or something along those line. But then I started thinking:

Last night I was going through my refrigerator, freezer, and pantry, and realized I have quite a bit of food hanging around my apartment that I'm not going to be able to eat once I start P90X. It's not bad food, or junk food, or anything along those lines - it's all healthy stuff - but most of it is processed, which P90X doesn't really allow. So, I'm going to use the next week to finish up the food I have hanging around (the food that will spoil that is) so that Wednesday night when I'm preparing all my meals for the next day I will only have on-plan food in the house and I'll be good to go - starting the workouts and nutrition hard on Thursday of next week. I was pretty content with this idea and looked forward to spending the next week researching, preparing, and ultimately getting ready for the next three months of my life.

Then Linton, our mail room clerk, showed up with a box from Amazon: my resistance bands. I was again torn, but only for a moment... why? The points I raised before were valid; I don't want to waste all of the food I have in my apartment just to start P90X one week earlier. And, if that wasn't reason enough, I did just start my period this morning. Now, some of you may be thinking, "Well, you're going to have that problem for two other weeks during the program so why does that matter?" The thing is, no, no I won't. My birth control makes it so I only have a period every three months. Therefore, if I wait until next Thursday to start P90X I shouldn't have another period until the week after I finish the program.

So, it's settled. I will start P90X Thursday, January 24. Between now and then I will finish up all the off-plan food, read through all of the program literature, and enjoy my final week on Weight Watchers. "Wait, what? Your final week on Weight Watchers?" ... I'll explain soon!

A long while back I borrowed a P90X set from my friend so I could burn the discs and ultimately do the program for free. Unfortunately he had misplaced one of the discs, leaving my burnt collection incomplete. Because programs like this require the utmost dedication (aka no holes) I shelved the idea for a while until I could decide how to replace the missing component. It's been well over a year, and finally, tonight, after only 15 minutes or so of thinking, I came up with a solution: download a torrent of the missing disc. Duh. And voila! My set is now complete. I ordered a set of resistance bands (a required addition to the program) and, because my mom has crazy-fast shipping with Amazon, I should have them delivered by Thursday - which incidentally is PERFECT. Why? Well...

P90X is on a seven-day schedule, with six-days-on and the seventh day as rest day (or, optionally, you can choose to use the seventh day as a stretch work out). If I start the program on Thursday when my resistance bands arrive, as I intend, then my "seventh day" will fall on Wednesdays, which, ironically, is the night of my Pilates class (I really like the instructor on the Wednesday night class and so I only intend on doing Pilates on Wednesdays moving forward). So, it's perfect! Thursday-Tuesday will be P90X and Wednesday, the day of my weigh-ins, will be Pilates.

So, there you have it. Oh, and for those of you who don't know what P90X is:

P90X® is a complete 90-day home fitness system designed to get you in the best shape of your life. Created by trainer Tony Horton, the program includes 12 intense workouts that use resistance and body-weight training, cardio, plyometrics, ab work, martial arts and yoga, along with a nutrition plan, fitness guide and workout calendar.

Obviously, because I didn't actually purchase the program, I don't have the nutrition plan, or fitness guide/workout calendar. However, being that Weight Watchers is my nutrition plan, that's taken care of. As for the fitness guide/workout calendar, fortunately you can find pretty much anything you want online. Here it is, edited to show my specific days:


Why did I decide to start doing P90X? Well. Let's face it. My time at the gym as of late has been pretty pathetic. I barely manage to get there twice a week and when I do, ha, it's like I may as well have not even gone in the first place. I just for whatever reason can't get back into the swing of working out at the gym. I need a trainer. I need someone to tell me what to do. I think the reason I've been enjoying my Pilates class as much as I have is because I have someone up there instructing me. Do this movement this many times at this intensity, then do this movement. I'm slightly concerned that doing the program at home will be a little different than my class, for the simple fact that in my class I can't just stop. Not only is the instructor looking at me, but everyone else in the class is as well. BUT, I'm hoping that once I start doing the program I'll just keep doing it and keep doing it. If I have to stop and take a water break, that's okay. Just finish the damn work out. That's my goal for the first week. Stop as many times as you need, Sam, just finish it.

I'm excited to get started with this! I spent a little while deciding between just sticking with P90X or purchasing it's slightly-less-challenging predecessor Power 90. The main reason I was leaning towards Power 90 is because the workouts are only 30-45 minutes a day, versus P90X's workouts which are an hour to an hour-and-a-half a day. I was almost about to hit the "Submit" button to purchase Power 90 when I realized how much free time I spend at night just sitting on my couch watching TV, and half the time I'm bored and restless. I'm done taking shortcuts. P90X may be a little too challenging for me, but it will only be at that way at first. I'd rather struggle through something and get results than yawn my way through something and get less out of it.

My neighbor, who used to be a model, used to do P90X when she was 15 and active in the business. Her exact words were, "I was a damn sexy ass bitch after it... You're going to look fucking awesome!" Dang. I just hope she's right!

I had an epiphany yesterday. I was writing another post recapping my thought process over the weekend (which is now irrelevant, hence the reason this post in question wasn't published) and in the process of writing a light bulb turned on. As my fingers hit the keys of my keyboard, my eyes widened - the phrase I was typing was a phrase that had never previously popped into my realm of thought. It was new. It was groundbreaking. And hopefully it will break my cycle of cheating.

I know why I cheat.

I think I cheat or binge or eat things off plan because deep down I'm afraid I can't do this; that no matter how good I am the weight won't come off, so why not enjoy what I eat?

And there it is. In black and white [and grey]. The deep down, to the core, honest to God truth. As soon as those words came out of my fingers, I stopped. I stared at the screen and read it at least ten times. It made total and complete sense to me... I cheat because deep down there's a part of me that doubts my ability to ever be thin.

Since I came to my realization I've done a lot of thinking about my journey and what it all means. I'm going to gain weight this week, I know that for a fact. I wouldn't be surprised if I was back up into the 155 area. But in all honesty, it's okay. It is. And here's why...

I've been so consumed with my timeline. Although I haven't made a billion trackers like I have in previous diets that timeline is still constantly in the back of my mind. I think about how much I'll weigh in February, March, April. How good it will feel to be at goal in May. How I'll be able to buy a whole new summer wardrobe, including my first bikini ever. I think about spending the long summer days sunning myself on the beach, going out to fancy night clubs, and just being fabulous in general. Then, I snap back into reality, look down at my chub and think to myself, "Yeah, that'll never happen." Don't quote me but I'm willing to bet that every instance of my submission into poor eating has been with that thought in the back of my mind: I can't do this, so why even try?

So, I'm going to make some changes. I'm going to get rid of my timeline. Yes I'd love to have all the things I described above, but the fact of the matter is if I keep holding myself down to a date I'm going to continue to get frustrated and turn to food. Tomorrow I weigh in. My weight will be higher than it was last week. I know this. But you know what? It's okay. It's okay because ... well ... it just is. There's no sense in getting upset about it. Getting upset won't change anything. The numbers will read as they will read, regardless of if I get upset or not. I'm hoping that now that I have the reasons behind my cheating figured out that I will no longer plummet into that abyss.

At this point, I just need to take things one day at a time. I can't be obsessed about the numbers, I can't be obsessed about the timeline. If I am, I'll continue to stress, and doubt, and eat. Period. Taking this one day at a time ... that's something small that I can control. It's too hard to think of myself eating a great breakfast every day for the next four months, or not over-indulging in dessert for the next fourth months, or making sure I get a good work out in every day for the next four months. But it's easy to get a good breakfast in today, and to not over-indulge in dessert today, and to get a good work out in today. TODAY I can control. I can't control the next four months, or the next four years, or the next forty years! But I can control today.

Today I will make the right choices. Today I will get one step closer to my goal. Today I will do my best to think positively about myself and to support myself in this journey. Today I will tell myself that I can do this. And I CAN do this. That last comment was meant for you, terrible little voice in my subconscious. Do you hear me? I CAN do this! And I will.

I can feel myself starting to slip this week, and I can only pray it's just a temporary glitch.

Last night, my boss took all of his direct reports out for dinner. We went to a place called The City Winery, essentially a wine bar that also features higher end cuisine. I already knew I'd go over my points by drinking the wine, but that wasn't a huge concern of mine. Before dinner, appetizers were served. When they were first put down in front of me I didn't see anything that was really worth the trouble. Red-wine-soaked salami, prosciutto, cheese, and bread. I tried a small sample of each but nothing too crazy. Then, shortly after I had congratulated myself for not going over-board, the mushrooms came out. Stuffed mushrooms. Stuffed Parmesan mushrooms. Stuffed Parmesan mushrooms with garlic, and onions, and melted goodness. Needless to say, I had quite a few of these. I told myself after the first two, "You've been good for a while, tonight is a special event after all. Enjoy yourself!" If I had to guess, I probably had seven or eight by the end of the night. Next, it was time for dinner - a three course meal with three options for each course. My starter was a baby green salad with goat cheese, dried cherries, and a tangy vinaigrette of some kind - nothing too terrible. My main course was pomegranate-glazed roasted chicken breast with chestnut risotto - I had eaten so many mushrooms I had two or three bites of my chicken and about three quarters of my risotto. I was so full, I could barely sip down some water. Then, dessert: a chocolate torte with raspberry coulis. I won't even attempt to dance around the fact that I ate the entire torte, and it was a pretty decent size. Not to mention two additional pieces of bread with dinner and three glasses of wine.

I went home last night and didn't feel too terrible about the evening. My week has just started so I have plenty of time to get back on track for the week, and I do have my weekly points to dip into (all of which I assigned to the meal, in addition to the 16 points I had left for the day in the first place). I figured as long as I stuck to my daily points the rest of the week, went to the gym this morning and twice more before my weigh-in, and made it a point to go to my Pilates class on Sunday ... well ... I should be fine. I went to sleep feeling content with my rationalization, and decided to not think about it anymore, just be on point the rest of the week and it will all work out.

This morning I got to work. And I felt like a blob. I'm not sure if it was because I slept in a little late so I didn't have time to shower or because of my behavior last night at dinner, but whatever the reason I felt like I was just a puddle of goo morphing around my office. Earlier this week I found a box of Dunkin Donuts in the fridge, no doubt leftovers from a going away party that was held on Monday. All week I've seen them, and all week I've resisted them. This morning on my way to the bathroom, I glanced into the kitchen and said, "I wonder if they are still there." I went into the fridge and saw the box, and when I opened it, the only donut left was the one I'd been eyeing all week. Without even a moments hesitation I grabbed the box out of the fridge, snagged the donut, threw the box away, and devoured the frosted treat in a matter of seconds. I walked back to my desk, sat down, and all of a sudden, like a MALLET against my skull, it sunk it.

WTF was I doing!? I just ate SO much last night, and now, here I was, eating a DONUT for breakfast!?

The donut isn't even the worse problem. I went to the gym this morning, mainly so I could shower, and had yet another terrible work out. I ran for about three minutes before I decided to give up, then I got on the stair-master for, oh I don't know, maybe another three minutes. I went to my favorite arm machine and did one set of ten reps. And that was it. Off to the locker room to shower. The whole time I was "working out" I kept telling myself, "Today needs to be a good work out, you need to work off dinner and that donut!" But it didn't matter. I didn't want to. I HATE working out now. I went to my Pilates class on Wednesday, and I love it. But regular workouts in the gym have now become so tedious and monotonous that I don't even want to be a part of them anymore.

The bottom line: I'm scared.

As of Wednesday I am 151.8, just 1.9 pounds away from being in the 140s. But the thing is, I've been here before. Since I got down to my lowest weight of 148/149, I've gotten into the low 150s three times. And each and every time, I stopped, and gained all the weight back again. Like clockwork. It's almost like my body is rejecting the idea of losing any more weight. Or like my brain is wired in a way that makes me refuse to keep working. It's like ... this is all I've got.

I'm not happy at this weight. I'm not. I don't understand why tmy motivation to work out is completely gone. I don't understand why the donut that has plagued my thoughts all week finally won. I don't understand why I feel like all of a sudden I'm going to fail. I can't slip. I can't fall. I can't fail! This is too hard! I can't keep doing it! I HATE that I'm even writing another post like this. I had stupidly hoped that next week I'd break into the 140s. I'll be lucky if I even lose a pound at this point.

Ugh. I don't even want to write anymore. Sob sob sob. Woe is me. Just, ugh. I'm done.

I've been pulling some long-term weight-loss blogs (mostly written by people who have already lost all the weight they want to lose) and have been reading them from the beginning. Cover-to-cover so-to-speak. The first of these blogs I'm attempting to tackle is The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl. In a post I read today, she said something that really hit home:

In my mind I already feel like a skinny person. I just wish my body would catch up!

This is sort of how I've felt my entire life. Well, not my entire life.

When I was younger, elementary/middle school, even a little bit into high school, I had absolutely no confidence. No self esteem. Nothing. If you asked me my opinion of myself I would not give a favorable or positive response. Then towards the end of my junior year into my senior year, I'm not entirely sure what happened but somehow I became confident. I started feeling good about myself. I developed a quick wit, a charismatic charm, and a general aura about myself that screamed, "This is a girl who is comfortable in her own skin." And for the most part, that was true. Throughout college these feelings only grew stronger and stronger, until I became who I am today. Am I confident? Yes. Do I have good self esteem? Absolutely.

That is...

Until I look in the mirror. You see, if mirrors weren't ever invented I really believe I would be a fully, 100% confident person. I don't really think of myself as being fat. At any given moment, I don't really feel fat. In my mind, I believe I am a skinny person. I get dressed to go out and I feel pretty good most of the time. When I'm out at the bar, I can chat with new people and flirt with cute guys and be a very sparkling person to be around. But then I see my reflection in a mirror at the back of the bar, or walk past a clean window and see myself in it, or happen to linger just a little too long in the bathroom ... and then I remember. Oh yeah. I'm overweight.

In my mind, I'm already thin. I buy cloths a thin person would wear - and hope that one day I'll fit into them - because in my mind, I'm thin, I should already fit into them. I can only hope that someday soon these fantasies will be a reality, and I can finally be the thin girl I've always imagined in my mind.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about weight loss lately. I mean, let's be fair, I think about it almost constantly, but lately I've been doing a lot more thinking about how people lose weight. Looking back on my weight loss journey, I have tried a lot of different methods. The two that stick out the most are Medifast and Weight Watchers. This post is probably going to sound like a bash against Medifast and a plug for Weight Watchers, but that's NOT what I'm intending. Just trying to get some thoughts down.

When I started doing Medifast back in 2010, it was like an answer to my prayers. I had tried to lose weight for so long, and now I finally found something that was working, and it was working fast. In three months I was down just shy of 30 pounds and I felt better than I ever had in my life. But as much as I loved Medifast (the results that is) ... I HATED it at the same time. I hated eating out of packets. I hated having to miss out on special events. I hated the food, towards the end that is - I just got sick of eating the same stuff over and over and over. And the irony of the whole thing is that after every stint with Medifast I always regained the weight. I tried three times. The first time I lost 30 pounds. I got cocky and thought I could do it on my own, and gained the 30 pounds back. The second time I only lost 15 pounds before I got sick of the food, and shortly after I was back up again. Then the third time, I lost 25 pounds, and although I only gained 5 of those pounds back, still - I gained back.

I'm not saying that now that I'm doing Weight Watchers I will never gain the weight back, but I think the reason I gained all the weight back before is because Medifast didn't teach me anything. The thing is, I don't really have to learn anything. I know how to eat. I've read so many meal plans and nutrition journals and food blogs that I could probably publish a best-seller on how to eat right. So it's not really that Medifast didn't teach me anything ... Medifast never made me use my knowledge. I was eating what they were telling me to eat. I was eating five of their little packets, and one meal of a limited meat and vegetable. Of COURSE I got sick of their food. I was eating the same things, over and over again. It was so hard for me to go out to eat with friends - I couldn't have bread, or dairy, or FRUIT. I couldn't even have a glass of wine with dinner. I couldn't do anything! Yes, it worked. But it was so restricting, so tedious, and so not right for me. I tried it three times, and I failed three times.

Now, on Weight Watchers, I don't see myself failing. I may slip up here and there, and I have, and I will again. I'm human. It happens. But the difference this time is I don't feel deprived. On any normal day I don't feel like I'm on a diet. Sure, there are times I have to stop myself from doing something - like if someone at work brings in donuts, or if a friend suggests we go get pizza instead of going to a restaurant with more options. But, even if I decide to have that cake, or go for that pizza, it's not the end of the world.

I can't tell you how many times on Medifast I went to a party or a BBQ or a social event of any kind and I couldn't eat or drink anything because NOTHING was on their limited plan. I can't tell you how many times I was invited to brunch, or to a benefit, or to some other function and I simply didn't go because I knew there would be nothing for me to eat. That's not living. Sure, the weight came off, but it went right back on! Because I was FINALLY able to eat the things I wanted it eat. Finally I was able to go to those events and indulge, and because it had been so long since I'd indulged, I over-indulged. And boom. Back to 185 pounds.

I'm really confident that this time things are different. Yes, the weight is coming off slower, but it's coming off! I'm down 10.4 pounds! And I'm eating food that will stick with me forever! Turkey, low fat cheese, yogurt, whole grains, fruit, vegetables, sensible portions of desserts. I'm really engraving the concept of balance and moderation. I'm molding the way I used to eat into a way of eating that will help me maintain my weight forever. I really do believe that. I really do believe this time is different. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's slow. And yes, I just want it to be over - but you know what? It will be. Before I even know it. One day I'll wake up, look in the mirror, and not even recognize myself. And I'm getting there... one pound at a time!

Drum roll please... Well, we know I didn't hit the goal I was hoping to hit, but the verdict is in:


The bad news first, let's just get that out of the way. I'm 3.2 pounds heavier than I was hoping to be on this day. The really crappy part about it is even though it was a lofty goal, if I hadn't gained two weeks ago I probably would have made it. In fact I'm almost certain I would have. If I had stayed the same from the previous week (153.6), I would have lost one pound the next week (152.6) and then the 1.9 pounds I've lost so far this week. That would have brought me to 150.7 - and honestly, I could have definitely lost .8 pounds that week. But instead, I gained 2.4 pounds. My own fault, and I know that. It's just kind of of crappy realization. Casting that as a goal was sort of reaching a bit high, and had I not slipped up that week I would have made it. It would have been a really nice motivation getting me into the new year.

Now, the good news. I've lost 1.9 pounds so far this week, and I still have two days to go. I'm really proud of that, for many reasons actually. There were quite a number of times this past week I thought to myself, "You know what, there's only a few days left this year; why don't you enjoy them - go get some McDonald's, have an extra Skinny Cow, go pick up some donuts!" and not once have I cheated - I've actually only used 3 of my weekly points so far. So, I guess I'll use that as my new years motivation.

I still have to keep remembering that last New Year's Eve I weighed 182.8. I'm only .3 pounds off from being 30 POUNDS LIGHTER this year. And that's a really good feeling. No, I didn't hit my goal of being in the 140s, and no, I haven't done as well as I wanted to do during my run with Weight Watchers so far - but you know what, I've still made some really good progress this year. 30 pounds! Gone! Forever! That feels pretty damn good. I still have a long way to go (28.1 pounds to be exact) but I'm definitely on my way.

All this is fine and dandy - but then there is the added challenge I will have these next few days. One of my closest friends is flying down to the city for New Year's Eve and she will be staying until Thursday morning. I love this friend dearly, but our relationship is heavily based on food. She is a big girl, I'd pin her somewhere in the 250s or so, and although I never weighed more than the mid-180s our bond over eating is definitely something we've shared over the years. She doesn't make me do anything, and I can only remember once or twice that she even attempted to sway my decision-making, it's just that when I'm around her I for whatever reason just make poor choices. Maybe subconsciously I'm thinking, "Well, hey, I'm not as big as she is, so I have some room to spare," but I don't really think that's the case. I don't really ever look at her as a big girl, as in I don't really consciously recognize that she is bigger than me. Maybe sometimes, like when we go shopping or when we are getting ready to go out, but ironically - not when we eat. When we eat I am usually the one who over-does it. She'll over-eat, sure, but I just blow it out of the water. For example, during my last slip-up, when we decided to get Tim Horton's and Happy's Pizza, she had 3 donuts - I had 4, and a bite of hers, and she had 4 pieces of pizza, and I had six. I always tend to eat more than she does, so I never really think of her as big when we are together. TANGENT! The point is, I don't think I'm subconsciously thinking that. So I don't really know what it is, but as my example shows, I always over-eat when I'm with her.

Due to being completely broke, she and I will be cooking most of our meals at my apartment. I've agreed to take her to this famous breakfast place called The Bongo Room as well as take a trip to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I've looked up the menu for The Bongo Room (as I've never been there) and will most likely order a fruit plate and scrambled egg whites. The eggs come with potatoes and toast, both of which I will only eat half - I hope. So, I'm going to throw a out a guess of around 9 points for breakfast. As for The Cheesecake Factory, I will order something off the Skinnylicious menu (which still isn't that great) and I will pin that meal at around 13 points. We won't be going to both places on the same day, so I think I can balance out enough on the other meals each day to still stay within my points.

Tonight is New Year's Eve, of course, and I'm not even going to worry about counting points for the booze I'm going to drink. The way I see it, even if I take the time to count, I'm not going to care about going over. It's New Year's Eve, it's not some random Saturday. It's this sort of thing that kind of ties in to the realization I had a few weeks ago. In order to make my weight-loss something that will stick with me long term, it's all about finding the balance in life. I don't remember where I read this, but someone wrote an article about an eating cycle [when maintaining your weight] of 4-2-1: four days out of the week you are spot on and eat everything 100% on plan, whatever the plan may be; two days out of the week you are a little less strict but still stay close to your plan; and one day out of the week is your free day, within reason of course. In that same article, the writer discusses special events, in the sense that if you are out to dinner or at a function or anything along those lines, consider the event: is it a random evening with your friends, or is it someone's birthday? Did someone bring donuts into work on a random Wednesday, or is it your company's annual picnic? Those types of things. If it's just a random, ordinary day, behave. Don't over-do it. If it's a special event, go ahead a splurge a little bit. Well, tonight is my spurge!

I've taken half days at work the last two days due to being slightly sick, in addition to not having a whole lot to doing being that everyone I support is on vacation. My boss was going to let me leave early again today, but since I have to leave early on Monday to pick up a friend from the airport I decided to at least try to make it to 3:00 or 4:00, which I've almost succeeded (as opposed to leaving a noon as I've done the past two days). ANYWAY. To keep myself busy I've been paroozing some weight-loss blogs and stumbled upon something that literally screamed my name - screamed my name in the sense that I could have written it.

In a post Lyn from Escape from Obesity wrote:

I lived in that "diet cycle" for years and years... I would count my calories and measure my food... all morning and then something would trigger me to throw it out the window so I could eat xyz and "start over tomorrow." And I start-over-tomorrowed myself... for the better part of a decade. Not a good thing, any way you look at it. SO many people are caught in the same cycle. You want to lose weight, but *in the moment* you want potato chips more, so you eat the chips because you can start over tomorrow. Or worse, you eat the chips and then, since you are starting over tomorrow, you hurry and eat all the other things you want - like cake and ice cream and fried chicken - because when you start over tomorrow you won't be able to have it... But then tomorrow goes the same way, and the next day does too, and it all melds together into one big off-plan eating festival with a sprinkle of dieting on top. Only, this festival does not bring you joy. It just makes you sad.

That. That has been my life. For years. Since I was 14 and first tried to start losing weight. Now, eleven years later, here I am. STILL trying to lose weight. STILL trying to break "the cycle" - still. ELEVEN years later. It's true, I'm at the lowest weight I've ever maintained in my entire adult life, and I'm only about 5 pounds shy from my lowest adult weight ever, but it doesn't soften the blow that if I had just gotten this done when I was 14, or 16, or 21, or 23 even - I would be done now.

What Lyn said rings very true to me. I can't even count how many times I've pulled the "well, today is already screwed up, might as well enjoy it" or the "I'm going to eat this right now because tomorrow I can't have it" cards. Way too many times for me to even pretend to count. And what's even crazier than the acts themselves is that I always felt completely justified in doing them. I did. Each time. It made perfect sense to me to indulge in an extra dessert, or an extra menu item, or an extra whatever it was because the following day, those food items would be omitted from my spectrum of consumption. It made perfect sense to me to overeat for the remainder of an "already screwed up day" because, hey, it was already screwed up.

Now, when I think about it - was I CRAZY!?

Of COURSE it doesn't make sense! If you're not supposed to eat it tomorrow, why the hell is it okay for you to eat it today!? If you've already screwed up once in a day, why screw up more!? Not to sound too valley girl about it, but, like, seriously!? I am literally shaking my head at the very thought of it. And the ridiculous thing is: I've done this FOR YEARS!

I am very confident that once the new year hits I will have new motivation and an extra fire in my belly (no pun intended) to get this done once and for all. The last month especially has been difficult, with the holidays and going back and forth to Michigan every other weekend. I know for a fact that staying in Chicago for an extended period of time will be a HUGE help in and of itself, not to mention the extra boost with the new year. This week has been good so far. True it's only been a couple days, but I already avoided a few temptations: I really wanted to stop and grab fast food on Wednesday when I was running some errands, and today, all day long, the woman who sits in the desk next to me has had a birthday cake, just sitting there - and I haven't gotten a piece.

I think I just really need to keep Lyn's words in my head each time I try to give myself that phony justification. Because that's all it is ... phony. You can talk your way out of anything, but your body won't let you lie. And mine sure hasn't. It tells the truth about every single thing I've ever put into my mouth, every single day I talked myself out of a workout, every single moment of weakness and bad decision I've ever made - it's all right there, out in the open, no where to hide. And you can't talk yourself out of that.

Time to break the cycle - once and for all!