I had an epiphany yesterday. I was writing another post recapping my thought process over the weekend (which is now irrelevant, hence the reason this post in question wasn't published) and in the process of writing a light bulb turned on. As my fingers hit the keys of my keyboard, my eyes widened - the phrase I was typing was a phrase that had never previously popped into my realm of thought. It was new. It was groundbreaking. And hopefully it will break my cycle of cheating.

I know why I cheat.

I think I cheat or binge or eat things off plan because deep down I'm afraid I can't do this; that no matter how good I am the weight won't come off, so why not enjoy what I eat?

And there it is. In black and white [and grey]. The deep down, to the core, honest to God truth. As soon as those words came out of my fingers, I stopped. I stared at the screen and read it at least ten times. It made total and complete sense to me... I cheat because deep down there's a part of me that doubts my ability to ever be thin.

Since I came to my realization I've done a lot of thinking about my journey and what it all means. I'm going to gain weight this week, I know that for a fact. I wouldn't be surprised if I was back up into the 155 area. But in all honesty, it's okay. It is. And here's why...

I've been so consumed with my timeline. Although I haven't made a billion trackers like I have in previous diets that timeline is still constantly in the back of my mind. I think about how much I'll weigh in February, March, April. How good it will feel to be at goal in May. How I'll be able to buy a whole new summer wardrobe, including my first bikini ever. I think about spending the long summer days sunning myself on the beach, going out to fancy night clubs, and just being fabulous in general. Then, I snap back into reality, look down at my chub and think to myself, "Yeah, that'll never happen." Don't quote me but I'm willing to bet that every instance of my submission into poor eating has been with that thought in the back of my mind: I can't do this, so why even try?

So, I'm going to make some changes. I'm going to get rid of my timeline. Yes I'd love to have all the things I described above, but the fact of the matter is if I keep holding myself down to a date I'm going to continue to get frustrated and turn to food. Tomorrow I weigh in. My weight will be higher than it was last week. I know this. But you know what? It's okay. It's okay because ... well ... it just is. There's no sense in getting upset about it. Getting upset won't change anything. The numbers will read as they will read, regardless of if I get upset or not. I'm hoping that now that I have the reasons behind my cheating figured out that I will no longer plummet into that abyss.

At this point, I just need to take things one day at a time. I can't be obsessed about the numbers, I can't be obsessed about the timeline. If I am, I'll continue to stress, and doubt, and eat. Period. Taking this one day at a time ... that's something small that I can control. It's too hard to think of myself eating a great breakfast every day for the next four months, or not over-indulging in dessert for the next fourth months, or making sure I get a good work out in every day for the next four months. But it's easy to get a good breakfast in today, and to not over-indulge in dessert today, and to get a good work out in today. TODAY I can control. I can't control the next four months, or the next four years, or the next forty years! But I can control today.

Today I will make the right choices. Today I will get one step closer to my goal. Today I will do my best to think positively about myself and to support myself in this journey. Today I will tell myself that I can do this. And I CAN do this. That last comment was meant for you, terrible little voice in my subconscious. Do you hear me? I CAN do this! And I will.