Drum roll please... Well, we know I didn't hit the goal I was hoping to hit, but the verdict is in:


The bad news first, let's just get that out of the way. I'm 3.2 pounds heavier than I was hoping to be on this day. The really crappy part about it is even though it was a lofty goal, if I hadn't gained two weeks ago I probably would have made it. In fact I'm almost certain I would have. If I had stayed the same from the previous week (153.6), I would have lost one pound the next week (152.6) and then the 1.9 pounds I've lost so far this week. That would have brought me to 150.7 - and honestly, I could have definitely lost .8 pounds that week. But instead, I gained 2.4 pounds. My own fault, and I know that. It's just kind of of crappy realization. Casting that as a goal was sort of reaching a bit high, and had I not slipped up that week I would have made it. It would have been a really nice motivation getting me into the new year.

Now, the good news. I've lost 1.9 pounds so far this week, and I still have two days to go. I'm really proud of that, for many reasons actually. There were quite a number of times this past week I thought to myself, "You know what, there's only a few days left this year; why don't you enjoy them - go get some McDonald's, have an extra Skinny Cow, go pick up some donuts!" and not once have I cheated - I've actually only used 3 of my weekly points so far. So, I guess I'll use that as my new years motivation.

I still have to keep remembering that last New Year's Eve I weighed 182.8. I'm only .3 pounds off from being 30 POUNDS LIGHTER this year. And that's a really good feeling. No, I didn't hit my goal of being in the 140s, and no, I haven't done as well as I wanted to do during my run with Weight Watchers so far - but you know what, I've still made some really good progress this year. 30 pounds! Gone! Forever! That feels pretty damn good. I still have a long way to go (28.1 pounds to be exact) but I'm definitely on my way.

All this is fine and dandy - but then there is the added challenge I will have these next few days. One of my closest friends is flying down to the city for New Year's Eve and she will be staying until Thursday morning. I love this friend dearly, but our relationship is heavily based on food. She is a big girl, I'd pin her somewhere in the 250s or so, and although I never weighed more than the mid-180s our bond over eating is definitely something we've shared over the years. She doesn't make me do anything, and I can only remember once or twice that she even attempted to sway my decision-making, it's just that when I'm around her I for whatever reason just make poor choices. Maybe subconsciously I'm thinking, "Well, hey, I'm not as big as she is, so I have some room to spare," but I don't really think that's the case. I don't really ever look at her as a big girl, as in I don't really consciously recognize that she is bigger than me. Maybe sometimes, like when we go shopping or when we are getting ready to go out, but ironically - not when we eat. When we eat I am usually the one who over-does it. She'll over-eat, sure, but I just blow it out of the water. For example, during my last slip-up, when we decided to get Tim Horton's and Happy's Pizza, she had 3 donuts - I had 4, and a bite of hers, and she had 4 pieces of pizza, and I had six. I always tend to eat more than she does, so I never really think of her as big when we are together. TANGENT! The point is, I don't think I'm subconsciously thinking that. So I don't really know what it is, but as my example shows, I always over-eat when I'm with her.

Due to being completely broke, she and I will be cooking most of our meals at my apartment. I've agreed to take her to this famous breakfast place called The Bongo Room as well as take a trip to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I've looked up the menu for The Bongo Room (as I've never been there) and will most likely order a fruit plate and scrambled egg whites. The eggs come with potatoes and toast, both of which I will only eat half - I hope. So, I'm going to throw a out a guess of around 9 points for breakfast. As for The Cheesecake Factory, I will order something off the Skinnylicious menu (which still isn't that great) and I will pin that meal at around 13 points. We won't be going to both places on the same day, so I think I can balance out enough on the other meals each day to still stay within my points.

Tonight is New Year's Eve, of course, and I'm not even going to worry about counting points for the booze I'm going to drink. The way I see it, even if I take the time to count, I'm not going to care about going over. It's New Year's Eve, it's not some random Saturday. It's this sort of thing that kind of ties in to the realization I had a few weeks ago. In order to make my weight-loss something that will stick with me long term, it's all about finding the balance in life. I don't remember where I read this, but someone wrote an article about an eating cycle [when maintaining your weight] of 4-2-1: four days out of the week you are spot on and eat everything 100% on plan, whatever the plan may be; two days out of the week you are a little less strict but still stay close to your plan; and one day out of the week is your free day, within reason of course. In that same article, the writer discusses special events, in the sense that if you are out to dinner or at a function or anything along those lines, consider the event: is it a random evening with your friends, or is it someone's birthday? Did someone bring donuts into work on a random Wednesday, or is it your company's annual picnic? Those types of things. If it's just a random, ordinary day, behave. Don't over-do it. If it's a special event, go ahead a splurge a little bit. Well, tonight is my spurge!

I've taken half days at work the last two days due to being slightly sick, in addition to not having a whole lot to doing being that everyone I support is on vacation. My boss was going to let me leave early again today, but since I have to leave early on Monday to pick up a friend from the airport I decided to at least try to make it to 3:00 or 4:00, which I've almost succeeded (as opposed to leaving a noon as I've done the past two days). ANYWAY. To keep myself busy I've been paroozing some weight-loss blogs and stumbled upon something that literally screamed my name - screamed my name in the sense that I could have written it.

In a post Lyn from Escape from Obesity wrote:

I lived in that "diet cycle" for years and years... I would count my calories and measure my food... all morning and then something would trigger me to throw it out the window so I could eat xyz and "start over tomorrow." And I start-over-tomorrowed myself... for the better part of a decade. Not a good thing, any way you look at it. SO many people are caught in the same cycle. You want to lose weight, but *in the moment* you want potato chips more, so you eat the chips because you can start over tomorrow. Or worse, you eat the chips and then, since you are starting over tomorrow, you hurry and eat all the other things you want - like cake and ice cream and fried chicken - because when you start over tomorrow you won't be able to have it... But then tomorrow goes the same way, and the next day does too, and it all melds together into one big off-plan eating festival with a sprinkle of dieting on top. Only, this festival does not bring you joy. It just makes you sad.

That. That has been my life. For years. Since I was 14 and first tried to start losing weight. Now, eleven years later, here I am. STILL trying to lose weight. STILL trying to break "the cycle" - still. ELEVEN years later. It's true, I'm at the lowest weight I've ever maintained in my entire adult life, and I'm only about 5 pounds shy from my lowest adult weight ever, but it doesn't soften the blow that if I had just gotten this done when I was 14, or 16, or 21, or 23 even - I would be done now.

What Lyn said rings very true to me. I can't even count how many times I've pulled the "well, today is already screwed up, might as well enjoy it" or the "I'm going to eat this right now because tomorrow I can't have it" cards. Way too many times for me to even pretend to count. And what's even crazier than the acts themselves is that I always felt completely justified in doing them. I did. Each time. It made perfect sense to me to indulge in an extra dessert, or an extra menu item, or an extra whatever it was because the following day, those food items would be omitted from my spectrum of consumption. It made perfect sense to me to overeat for the remainder of an "already screwed up day" because, hey, it was already screwed up.

Now, when I think about it - was I CRAZY!?

Of COURSE it doesn't make sense! If you're not supposed to eat it tomorrow, why the hell is it okay for you to eat it today!? If you've already screwed up once in a day, why screw up more!? Not to sound too valley girl about it, but, like, seriously!? I am literally shaking my head at the very thought of it. And the ridiculous thing is: I've done this FOR YEARS!

I am very confident that once the new year hits I will have new motivation and an extra fire in my belly (no pun intended) to get this done once and for all. The last month especially has been difficult, with the holidays and going back and forth to Michigan every other weekend. I know for a fact that staying in Chicago for an extended period of time will be a HUGE help in and of itself, not to mention the extra boost with the new year. This week has been good so far. True it's only been a couple days, but I already avoided a few temptations: I really wanted to stop and grab fast food on Wednesday when I was running some errands, and today, all day long, the woman who sits in the desk next to me has had a birthday cake, just sitting there - and I haven't gotten a piece.

I think I just really need to keep Lyn's words in my head each time I try to give myself that phony justification. Because that's all it is ... phony. You can talk your way out of anything, but your body won't let you lie. And mine sure hasn't. It tells the truth about every single thing I've ever put into my mouth, every single day I talked myself out of a workout, every single moment of weakness and bad decision I've ever made - it's all right there, out in the open, no where to hide. And you can't talk yourself out of that.

Time to break the cycle - once and for all!

I apparently lied in my last post when I said I was going to take a break from blogging for the remainder of the year. I'm not sure if I'll blog much for the remainder of the year, but I at least wanted to talk about this.

Last night I had my first Pilates class. I was kinda nervous going into it. I sat on my couch waiting to head downstairs (the studio is right downstairs and around the corner from my apartment, about a two minute walk) and so many thoughts were circling in my head - mainly just one thought: "God, I hope I'm not the fattest one there." Such a petty fear, I realize this, but it did make me a little apprehensive. The class was small, only four of us and the instructor - presumably due to it being a holiday week - and yes, I was in fact the fattest one there. The three other women who were attending the class have obviously all been taking Pilates for quite some time. All of them were a bit older - I'd peg the youngest in her late 30s and the other two in their 40s - but they had great bodies. The younger of the three was a little bit bigger, around my size but definitely a lot more toned.

Throughout the workout there were definitely moments I felt a little out of my league. The instructor was well aware that this was my first class and she definitely gave me a little extra attention, making sure I was doing the movements right and all that. Being that the class was so small I didn't mind her singling me out - normally I would have hated it - but it actually was okay. For the most part she didn't have to alter my movements at all. I can only remember one time when she really had to adjust me. The other two or three times she just had to mention something to me and I made the adjustments myself. After the work out she told me I did a really good job - it was one of those moments, though, where I questioned if I had actually done a good job or if she was just saying that to be motivating. There were one or two exercises that were pretty difficult where I could definitely feel things in my body at work, but not the majority, which makes me wonder how many of the movements I was actually doing correctly. I'm sure once I get more familiar with the class and the movements and whatnot I'll start to feel more confident in what I'm doing.

This morning when I woke up I expected to be a little sore, but the only spot I really feel sore is around my rib cage. I'm hoping the more I keep going, the more I'll get out of the exercises, and the more sore I'll become. I love being sore from a work out. It makes me feel like I really accomplished something. Nothing worse than busting your butt and then feeling like you didn't get anything done. Another thing about the class that makes me a little worried is that I didn't feel tired. I wasn't terribly out of breath at any point in the work out and I didn't sweat. I realize that Pilates are not really cardio, but I dunno - I guess I'm just used to sweating. I'm hoping ... really REALLY hoping ... that I'll get the results I want. I've mapped out my Pilates classes for January - three times a week each week. I have 10 classes with the program I purchased, and they offer a free class every Sunday, so I'm scheduled out for the next five weeks. At the end of the five weeks I'm going to evaluate and see if it's worth continuing or not. Either way I'm going to stick to these 15 (now 14) classes and make the most out of them!

First thing's first: I'm down a pound. I'm actually okay with that, and I'll explain why in a minute. Next item on the agenda: obviously I did not blog at least once a day as I'd previously decided. The fact of the matter is I simply didn't have time. A busy couple of days at work coupled with driving to Michigan for the holiday weekend simply ate up all of my time. However, even without blogging I was able to do very well, for the most part... Now, back to the reason why I'm okay with just one pound lost. As I said, I ate very well this last week every day, almost. Sunday night was the exception. I did NOT eat well Sunday night. I'm not going to get into the gritty details, but let's just say obscene amounts of donuts and pizza were involved. Needless to say, a one-pound loss actually feels pretty decent considering how off track I got that night.

I've made a decision over the last couple of days that I think will help me get back on track without losing my mind. The fact of the matter is, the holidays are hard! Most people gain weight during the holidays, so to even maintain your weight should be considered a success. Since I started Weight Watchers I've lost 7.2 pounds. Is that how much I wanted to lose? No, absolutely not. BUT, this 7.2 pounds was lost during the two most difficult weight-loss months of the year: November and December - smack dab in the middle of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. So, at the end of the day I have to be proud of myself. On the other hand, the main reasons of my not losing as much as I would have liked are not necessarily reasons related to the holidays, and these are things I will need to work on. So, here is my new plan...

Obviously I will not be reaching my goal of being in the 140s by New Years Eve - even if I worked out every single day and ate perfectly there is no way I'll be able to lose 5.1 pounds in one week. So, my new goal for the remainder of 2012 is to NOT GAIN! If I can start 2013 at a solid 155 pounds, or less, then I will be happy. That will give me a solid 30 pounds to lose in four months - 17 weeks to be exact, which works out to be about 1.76 pounds per week. Is this a lofty goal? Absolutely, and to be honest I may not be able to do it. However, with that being said, it is possible. It's not terribly off the wall or completely out of reach. It's difficult, yes, but realistic at the same time.

I'm going to take a conscious break from blogging for the remainder of 2012. I have a friend coming in on Monday for New Years Eve and she will be staying until Thursday morning. These are going to be difficult days, so I will be preparing myself by staying 100% on plan from now until she lands Monday afternoon. I went to the gym this morning for a very quick run, as I will do tomorrow and Friday as well. I also am starting my Pilates classes tonight, and will be also going tomorrow night and Sunday night as well. Once she gets in Monday I'm going to make smart choices, but I'm not going to worry about tracking or counting points. I'm just going to eat reasonably and, again, try not to gain.

Wednesday morning I will weigh-in (although I probably won't blog my results until Thursday at work). I am hoping I will be able to at the very least maintain my current weight of 155 and start the new year off with new motivation. The fact is, I know once New Year's Eve has come and gone I will find a new fire inside me. Right now, I'm just kind of beat up. 2012 was not a good year for me, for many reasons, and although I'm not completely happy with the progress I've made, I have to think about one thing:

Last New Year's Eve (January 3rd to be exact) I weighed 182.8 pounds. This New Year's Eve, I will be almost 30 pounds lighter. And that's a good feeling. Maybe I've struggled these last couple of months, but I have made progress. And I need to start realizing that. I need to start focusing on the changes I have made, and not focus so strongly on the changes I still want to make. Bottom line: I know I'll get there. Maybe not by May 1. Maybe by May 31, or sometime in June. But I will get there. I will be 125 pounds in time to enjoy the summer.

Yepp. +2.4 pounds. I'm not surprised. At all. And to be honest, I've had this coming for weeks now. There have been several weeks I've cheated in one way or another and I really didn't pay a big price. So, I'm paying for it now. To be honest, I'm okay with it. I think I needed it actually.

The past few weeks I've been skating by on luck. I'm stilled stunned about losing during a few of those weeks. This gain has been due for quite some time now. And the fact of the matter is, I think if it hadn't come I would have continued to keep walking down the path I've been on: eating terribly, not working out, and still hoping for good results. I've been lucky; now, reality has finally caught up with me.

I've been on Weight Watcher's for six weeks now, and I've only lost 6.2 pounds. That's barely a pound a week. I could sit here and put my positive twist on it and say, "Hey, it's 6.2 pounds off my body," but the fact of the matter is I'm not proud of that. Six weeks in? I should not be down ONLY 6.2 pounds!

I can do it. I know I can. I KNOW I can. There isn't even an ounce of doubt in my body. So then WHY has it been so difficult for me?

The holidays? Maybe.
Distractions at work? Definitely.
Self sabotage? ... Hmm.

No, I don't think that's it. I think it's as simple as I just haven't cared. I've been so worried about looking cute at work because of my crush that I haven't come into work dirty in order to push me to go to the gym. I've been so lazy about grocery shopping and cooking, and so complacent about what I eat in general. Ugh. I dunno. I'm mad at myself, that's for DAMN sure!

BUT. What's done is done. Today I went to the gym. First time in over two weeks. Was it the greatest work out? No. But it was a work out none the least. I've also decided I'm going to sign up for Pilates classes. There is a studio right downstairs from my apartment. Today on the way home from work I'm going to stop in and figure out what would be the best for me. They have classes Wednesday and Thursday night and Saturday and Sunday morning, and they also have a free class every Sunday evening. I'm DEFINITELY going to be participating in the free Sunday classes from now on (except this weekend, obviously, as I will be in Michigan). I'm going to make sure I do EVERY Wednesday AND EVERY Thursday, that way if I decide I want to sleep in on the weekends I'll still have three classes a week under my belt.

So, I guess I have a new plan.

• I'm going to start taking Pilates classes 3-5 times a week (3 MINIMUM).
• I'm going to go to the gym EVERY DAY - weights daily, cardio Tuesdays and Thursdays.
• I'm never going to eat into my weekly points unless I'm out for a meal or there's a special event.
• I'm going to keep a pack of gum in my purse, in my desk, and in my coffee table at all times!
• I'm going to blog at least once a day.

Yesterday I didn't have the best day at work. Even though I know I was/am over-reacting about the situation, it still did not make me feel good. Essentially, without going into much detail, the situation got me thinking about my age. To those I work with, I'm young. I'm 25. That's young. To me. I'm not so young anymore.

Next August I will be turning 26. I will no longer be in my early-twenties. And, depending on who you talk to, I will no longer be in my mid-twenties. Next August, I will have four more years of my twenties. Then I'll be 30. Four years. That's it. Just four. That's nothing. It's not that I'm saying 30 is by any means "old" or that I will not longer be able to enjoy my "youth" - but the idea of being fat even a second longer in my twenties is haunting me.

My mom and I had a discussion while I was home last weekend about plastic surgery. Some how the subject came up, and at the end of it my mom confessed to me she supported the idea of me getting some work done once I reach my goal weight. The fact of the matter is I've always hated my boobs. My family has great genes, but in some areas ... not so much. One of these areas would be the muscles in our chest. They have absolutely NO definition, even after countless chest presses. So, my boobs have always been far from perky, and throughout my life I've always thought about having a lift. However, as more and more pounds come off, they are beginning to deflate, so, at this point, the idea of getting small implants may actually be something I would consider. My mom also recommended a tummy tuck. She had one after I was born and loved the results. When I mentioned this to my coworker, she suggested I also look into SmartLipo. She said I probably won't really need an actual tummy tuck, and that the SmartLipo procedure may get me the results I want at a much lower cost. So, bottom line? When I reach 125 pounds, maybe even 130, I will be having my boobs done and some procedure to flatten my stomach. I'll finally have the body I've always wanted!

But.

That won't happen if I don't STOP! Stop what?

I'm going to gain wait this week. After a few slippery days I decided to weigh in a bit early. I stepped on the scale yesterday at 155.4 and today at 155.0 - even with the .4 pound loss from yesterday to today, I'm still up 1.4 pounds from last Wednesday. There's NO way I will lose that much weight by tomorrow. I'm not even going to hope for it. At this point I'll be happy to weigh-in at 154.something - and happy is a very loose term. Why did I have slippery days? I don't know. Last Wednesday we had a holiday potluck at work. I didn't eat terrible, but I did have a few things I shouldn't have. So I took all of my weekly points and put them in for Wednesday, just to be safe, and decided to carry on with the rest of the week with no more than my daily allotment. That didn't work. Thursday was fine, even Friday was okay. But Saturday came and Saturday blew everything up out of the water. Saturday was enough. I went to a party. Enough said.

I can't keep doing this. I can't keep rationalizing these mistakes with my food intake. I can't keep justifying the reasons why I'm not working out anymore. I can't keep making excuses. I just can't! I am SO sick of feeling this way. And what's worse, I'm SO sick of being SO sick of feeling this way! There's just no reason for it at this point. At this point, I'm just being ridiculous.

There is a direct correlation between how often I blog and how well I'm doing with the program. No posts this week = crappy, CRAPPY weight [gain] loss. Tomorrow starts a new week. And this week will be a good week. Pardon my French, but FUCK Christmas. FUCK the fact that I'm going to Michigan this weekend. FUCK it! NONE of that matters damn it!


What I want, what I need, the goals I've set for ME! ... I am the only one who controls what I eat or don't eat. I am the only one who can decide whether or not I go to the gym, or get on the treadmill at my mom's house over the holiday weekend. I am the ONLY one who can get this done!

Next August I will be turning 26. I will no longer be in my early-twenties. And, depending on who you talk to, I will no longer be in my mid-twenties. Next August, I will have four more years of my twenties. And you know what damn it - I WILL BE THIN! I will be the person I want to be!

This is going to be my last bad week. If I gain from this point on, it's just my body working out it's own issues. I am going to eat right. I am going to get to the gym. I am going to get back into the habit of blogging and holding myself accountable. I want to finish this!!!

Down 1.6 pounds! I'll definitely take it this week. I look back on the last week and I'm actually really surprised by that number. I drank [a lot] Wednesday night, I had McDonald's on Friday, Coney Island on Saturday, Taco Bell on Sunday, and I didn't work out one single time! I'm not saying I'm going to make this behavior habit, but it's nice to know that I was able to balance out my food intake enough to offset my few indulgences. Kinda makes me feel like I'll be able to keep the weight off once I'm finally done.

Time to check in with my first mini goal of being in the 140s by New Year's Eve. Two weeks in and I am definitely ahead of schedule. Here were my original targets to hit altered with my actual weigh-ins:

Dec 05: 156.4 - 155.2
Dec 12: 154.6 - 153.6
Dec 19: 152.7
Dec 26: 150.9

So, here are my new targets for the next two weeks:

Dec 19: 152.2
Dec 26: 150.8

1.4 pounds a week, and .9 pounds between December 26 and December 31. I really, really hope I can do it. It looks good, but it's still a little too close to tell. Either way, no matter the results, I decided this morning I'm going to be pleased with whatever I weight come New Year's Eve. Even if I'm a little shy of being in the 140s, I'll still be better of than I was, or even am now.

I guess my point is that I'm starting to become content with the idea of "the big picture" in the sense that it really doesn't matter when I finish, it just matters if I finish. I still have very strong hopes to lose all the weight I want to lose by the beginning of May, but if I don't and I still have a few pounds left to go, then so be it! The point is I'll have made progress in the right direction, and as long as I keep doing that then eventually I will cross that finish line!

No, I am not dead, and no, I did not abandon this blog. The last week has just been crazy busy! Without going into much detail (as most of it is not necessarily weight-loss related) this is why I have been missing in action the last [almost] week.

Last Wednesday was my company's Christmas party, and those who know me in real life knew I was planning on using the event as a catalyst to get better acquainted with a certain male coworker of mine. My plan worked. We really hit it off and chatted pretty much all night. During our conversation it was revealed that he has a girlfriend - ugh. But, not wanting to discard a potential friendship we kept talking. As the night went on we really had a good time getting to know each other, and then, after one too many tequila shots, we ended up leaving the party early to make out around the corner from the building. Classy! Anyway, he paid for me to take a cab home, somehow we exchanged numbers, and during one of our many phone conversations that night he asked me to have lunch with him sometime because he did like me and wanted to get to know me better "as friends." I laughed to myself, knowing that, while his plan was very sweet, it wouldn't work out exactly that way. I sort of have a sixth sense: when I meet someone new, within the first few hours of knowing them I can tell whether or not we will hook up and/or date in the future. And for my entire life, I've never been wrong. And just so we're clear, kissing doesn't count. ANYWAY! That's why I didn't blog Wednesday. Thursday I was way too hungover to blog, and Friday I only worked a half day so I could get on the road to Michigan. I had a doctor's appointment Saturday morning, then Saturday night I went to The Whitney in Detroit to research a performance opportunity I was offered. Sunday was lunch with my mom and aunt and then driving back to the city, where I unpacked, did my nails, and relaxed. Yesterday [Monday] I had full intention of blogging - but Matt (the male coworker from the Christmas party) followed through on his lunch invitation and asked me to join him last minute, to which I happily agreed (and we went to Subway). Needless to say the rest of the day I was on Cloud 9 and couldn't give two figs about blogging. Sad, but true. (I suppose I should mention that although Matt does have a girlfriend, I am not intending on breaking them up. I am intending on getting to know him, as FRIENDS, just as he suggested, and hopefully the pieces will fall where they may in the future. Neither one of us have brought up the events of the party, and I doubt we will any time soon.)

*PHEW*

So, now that we are all caught up, how did I do with food? Well, let me start off by saying I haven't worked out, at all, since last Tuesday. I feel horrible about it because one of my December Goals was to work out four times a week, but the events of the last week have unfortunately prevented me from having much of a mindset towards weight loss. DING DING DING! Let me start off by saying I did relatively well with my points this last week. I did have fast food twice and I did go over my points [almost] every day, but I in no way did nearly as bad as I did that infamous week. Am I expecting a loss? Eh, not really. I am just hoping I didn't gain anything.

I had somewhat of a realization over the last week. I think the main reason Weight Watchers works, and is something people can stick to, is because it fits into your lifestyle - in the sense that, people's lives need balance. You can't spend every waking moment obsessing about diet, and exercise, and weight loss. It will drive you crazy, and most likely make you quit. Then again, on the same token, you can't let your entire mentality be shifted away from those things just because you have a lot going on in your life. You will slip up far too many times and fail. It's all about finding the balance, and I think I did just that over the weekend.

Am I anticipating a huge number tomorrow morning? Hell no. I'm really not even anticipating a loss. I'm a little bummed, yes, because I do want to make it into the 140s by New Years Eve, but the fact of the matter is I'm content with my actions over the weekend. Yes, I indulged a little bit. I drank quite a bit at the party, but opted out of having any food. I did pick up McDonald's on the way into Michigan and Taco Bell on the way out, but those were my only meals for the day. Honestly, I'm not sure how the scale will read tomorrow. As long as I don't gain I will be content, and I'll move forward with this next week back into my old routine. Coming into work "dirty" and going to the gym first thing is now somewhat of a challenge because, well, I need to look good, every day, all day. Pathetic, I know. But with the start of my new week tomorrow I'm hoping I can convince myself that it is for the best - plus, if I'm smart about it, I can work it out that I don't see said coworker until after my workout / shower. Yeah, I've trailed off again...

Point being, this week I did decent. Next week I will do better. Now, to see what the scale says...

Holy crap. I LOST 3 FREAKING POUNDS! I stepped on the scale this morning and literally could not believe the number I saw. I actually was mildly expecting to gain. Between using up almost all of my 35 weekly points and only working out two days ... I don't know. I guess I was just preparing myself for the worst. When I stepped on the scale I actually closed my eyes. I didn't want to look down. I could feel every nerve in my body tense and I just kept repeating in my brain, "Just let me see 157.something. 156.something would be better, but please just let me see 157.something." When I saw 155.2 my eyes popped open so wide I thought one of my eyeballs would fall out. I actually had to get off the scale and weigh myself again; I couldn't believe that number, it had to be wrong. I must not have stepped on the scale correctly and it read me inaccurately. That must have been what happened. But NOPE! The second reading was exactly the same: 155.2!

After my first month on Weight Watchers I've lost 7 pounds. Am I happy with this, absolutely. It's 7 pounds off my body forever. And who knows, maybe next week I'll have another loss like this week? I doubt it though. I can't imagine having two huge losses back to back like that. But then again I didn't think I'd lose 3 pounds this week either. I guess it just goes to show you that the body is going to do whatever the body wants to do. All I can do at this point is keep following the program. Even if I'm a little off my goal by the beginning of May I'll still be a lot thinner than I am now, and I guess that's what I really need to focus on.

Oh! And my Weight Watchers app gave me a little badge for being a good little weight-watcher:

Today my boss took me out to lunch for sushi. During my first week we were chatting and he mentioned that he was taking his old assistant out for sushi, and when my reaction was nothing but excitement he told me to pencil in a day for us to do the same. That day was today. Being that I'd consumed all of my weekly points except 6 (technically 20, but I only use 35 weekly points instead of the usual 49) I decided to skip my usual breakfast and make one gigantic fruit salad. I chopped up an apple, a clementine, some strawberries, and some pineapple, and it turned into quite a morning feast. By the time lunch rolled around I was starving! I couldn't wait to get to the restaurant and order!

My boss is well aware that I am on Weight Watchers and so he didn't mind me taking a few extra minutes to tally up my points. My typical sushi outing usually involves the all-to-common California roll, in addition to two or three hot Japanese appetizers. Knowing I couldn't indulge as I normally would, I whipped out my calculator and figured out what would be the most sensible choices. I, of course, stuck with my California roll at only 6 points for the entire roll, and actually, due to the low point count, I considered just ordering two of them and being done with it (or broadening my horizons and choosing another roll to try). However, I kept on searching and found out that Gyoza, one of my favorite hot appetizers, was also only 6 points. Done!


While we were discussing our orders, my boss suggested we get an order of edamame to start. My response to this was, "Aren't those those little bean thingies?" Feeling horribly uncultured and all-to-shy in my cuisine endeavors I agreed to his suggestion. And OH MY GOSH am I glad I did! I think I found my new veggie love! Freaking soybeans!


I at first was a little skeptical of trying these hairy little pods, not to mention the fact that I had absolutely NO idea how to eat them without making myself look foolish. My boss told me to "teeth them out" - I did this with the first one but, although it worked, I decided to simply squeeze the rest out with my fingers. I figured this would eliminate some salt ingestion, plus it was easier for me. And only two or three of them flew away from me in the process! They were delicious! They taste almost like nuts of some kind, so I was very curious as to what the nutrition information would look like. Turns out I was right, in that they were similar to nuts. Although, they weren't quite as bad, and worked out to about 3 points for half a cup, which is what I assume I ended up eating. I definitely think I'm going to buy some of these little guys and incorporate them somehow. I found some recipes that suggested mashing up the cooked beans and making a dip of sorts. Hmm, interesting! In any event, I'm really glad I gave these a try.

Maybe I should trying more foods! *thinks*

Water and I have a very love-hate relationship. Some days it's crisp and fresh and clean and I can't get enough of it. Other days it's bland and boring and tasteless and I have to force myself to even have one glass. Over the years, I became a big fan of Crystal Light. The idea of turning water into a flavored beverage without adding any calories was incredible to me. However, once the initial amusement wore off I began to realize what a pain these little packets were. Powder would always get all over my counter, rarely would I get the entire packet to dissolve, leaving behind large clumps in my drink, and to top it all off, the flavors I consumed the most almost had a dye-like quality that would stain anything it touched. Now, I have several boxes of Crystal Light in my pantry, none of which have seen the light of day in quite some time. Every now and then I'll brace myself for the challenge, but nine times out of ten I'll simply drink my water plain, missing the tasty satisfaction the product used to give me.

Today I went grocery shopping and being that it's been a particularly uneventful Sunday I decided to take my time walking up and down the isles to see if anything jumped out at me. I found myself at the Crystal Light section wondering if they had come out with anything new that wasn't such a pain. Well, they hadn't. But someone else had. I had seen blogs a while back about Mio Liquid Water Enhancer and had heard a few people mention it in passing, but had never really taken the time to consider the idea. For whatever reason I assumed it would taste like chemicals, or like food coloring (which to me has always had a taste, and not a good one at that). However, I was feeling especially adventurous and decided to pick up a bottle. It was only a few dollars so if I didn't like it I wouldn't be losing much. Fruit Punch was always my go-to Crystal Light flavor, so I decided to give it a go. I got home, took out a glass, and filled it with water from my Brita. Then I took out the egg-shaped container and gave the glass a squirt. And the results?

It was great! It tasted like Fruit Punch. Who knew?

• Each container makes 24, 8 ounce servings.
• Each serving contains zero calories, zero fat, zero carbs, zero guilt!
• The product dissolves instantly, with no manual mixing needed.
• The container does NOT need any special treatment after being opened - it can live anywhere.
• It comes in seven regular flavors and two special flavors containing an added energy boost.

It's easy to say "I want to weigh 125 pounds by summer." There, I just said it. How easy was that? But the truth is, it's not easy. It takes a lot of work, determination, and will power to actually make it happen. I've always believed in setting goals, but throughout my life, especially when it came to weight loss, my goals kind of got lost in the dust of other things: school, work, theatre, family, friends, relationships. Somehow, these things always got in the way and made me lose track of what I really wanted. However, my life is very different now than it once was. I am on my own and in full control of what I do, so I've decided to finally start making goals I can keep. Each month, I will be making three to five mini goals to help push me to reach my final goal of 125 pounds by summer. Some mini goals will be bigger than others, but all of them will be achievable and will motivate me towards my final goal.

November was a good month, maybe not in the numbers on the scale, but I was able to conquer some demons and learn some lessons. I feel like I finally have my head on straight and am ready to move forward with this journey. I spent the month learning the Points Plus program and figuring out how to make it work with my lifestyle. I really committed to using the gym at my work, and worked out 3-5 days every week. I really made some progress last month, I just want to continue.

So, here's December:

• Try One New Recipe Each Week - Because Weight Watchers lets you eat essentially anything you  want, I've been pretty bad about cooking lately. So, I want to turn my focus on cooking more this month. Unfortunately, I only have a few recipes under my belt, and turkey burgers, although delicious, get old if eaten every night. Therefore I want to make sure I am expanding my culinary skills by cooking one new recipe each week. I, of course, will be able to cook more if I feel adventurous, but I wanted to give myself a realistic number to achieve first, and four recipes in the month of December is something I can definitely handle!
• Work Out at Least Four Times a Week - I have done pretty well working out in November, usually working out three or four times a week. I want to make sure I up this in December to a minimum of four times a week. The fact of the matter is, working out at the gym at my office is amazingly convenient for me. Waking up early has always been a struggle, and getting to sleep in an extra half hour or so instead of taking a shower and getting ready is right up my alley. Getting into work "dirty" forces me to get to the gym at some point in the morning, and it's worked great so far. If I decide I don't want to work out, then I have to shower in the morning before I leave my apartment, meaning I miss out on sleep - which I don't like to do, ever. So, I think this is something I can definitely accomplish.
• Reach the 140s by New Year's Eve - I realize I have very little control over this goal, but it definitely is my number one goal for December. As I explained in my last weigh-in, New Years Eve 2011 was the start of an amazing year, and that night I weighed in the upper 140s. I'd love to rekindle that feeling, and hopefully the good vibes that come along with it, and make 2013 even better! 2012 was somewhat of a crappy year for me - a lot of roller coaster emotions and big changes in my life, so I want to make sure I start off the new year on an amazing note. Being in the 140s would definitely do that, so I'm crossing my fingers the scale is sweet to me!