Here we go. A whole new outlook on this crazy thing called weight loss. I really feel good about the decisions I've made in getting myself back on track. I think the most positive addition to my weight loss plan is the creation of my Tumblr account, Inspire Your Desire. The folks on Tumblr that create diet, fitness, and weight loss blogs, aka. "Fitblrs," are really incredible. Ironically they are, for the most part, a younger crowd (I've seen many teenagers and early 20's), and yet they have such a better grasp on the best ways to create a healthy lifestyle. They don't rely on fancy weight loss or fitness programs. They don't create meal plans. They don't obsess over numbers, or timelines, or anything. They just take the journey day by day and make the right choices.


That's it. It's that simple. Eat right. Exercise. And you will get there. Boom. The mentality they radiate on a daily basis has been such a motivator for me. Although this past week I was only maintaining, it really helped me keep focused on what I was eventually going to be a part of. Anxious to get started, I didn't wait until my weigh in this morning to get started with eating better. I enjoyed the weekend and first thing Monday morning I was back on track, and, so far, have been ever since. When I felt like I wanted to cheat or go off track I simply pulled out my phone or walked to my computer and scrolled through the hundreds of motivational images. The more users I follow the more images I see, and the more images I see the more motivation I receive  I don't know why I didn't think to do this sooner! The concepts of clean eating, running, and weight training are chanted page after page, and I love it! I really think it's going to be a HUGE tool in my success.

Moving on. So, this morning I weighed in but I also decided to re-take my measurements and compare them to the measurements I took my first day of P90X.

OLD Weight:	151 pounds	NEW Weight:	161.8 pounds
OLD Chest:	37.5"	NEW Chest:	39"
OLD Waist:	30"	NEW Waist:	35.75"
OLD Hips:	38.5"	NEW Hips:	40"
OLD Right Arm*:	12.5"	NEW Right Arm*:	12.25"
OLD Left Arm*:	12"	NEW Left Arm*:	11.5"
OLD Right Thigh:	21.5"	NEW Right Thigh:	22.25"
OLD Left Thigh:	21"	NEW Left Thigh:	22"
OLD Body Fat:	27%	NEW Body Fat:	33%

* The comparison of my arm measurements isn't a real comparison as I was flexing during the old measurements, per the P90X instructions. I decided not to flex this time around, however, as I don't walk down the street constantly flexing my arms. I wanted a true reading of what my arms were like simply lifted (in other words, how low does my arm flab hang), so I won't be flexing during any new measurements taken for my arms.

Okay. Here we go. A fresh start.

As I explained last week, I needed a mental reset. I needed to forget about the past, start fresh, and move forward. So, here I am, moving forward. Last week my plan was to simply maintain until I could get my mind wrapped around my new plan. I gained .2 pounds, which in my mind is a pretty decent maintenance. This is my new starting point, and I'm ready to go.

I feel really good this time around. I think I finally have the right attitude. I know I've said that before, many times, but this time I honestly believe I have the right mentality. It doesn't matter how fast I get this done, as long as I do. I don't need to create meal plans and food tracking sheets and spreadsheets that calculate my weight loss. I don't need any of that. I know how to eat. I always have. I don't need to freak out about this! I just need to trust myself, trust the process, stay focused, and let my body do the rest. If I don't get there by X, Y, or Z, then oh well. The point is, I will get there. I have nothing but time - I'm going to make that time count!

Now, some of you may be thinking, "Wait a second. It's Wednesday. And she weighs-in on Wednesday. So, where is the weigh-in? Did she skip it?" No, I didn't skip the weigh-in. I weighed-in this morning at 161.6 - a 2.4 pound gain from last week. When I saw that on the scale this morning, the first thought that came into my brain was, "FUCK! FUCK THIS! I QUIT!" But then I thought again. And the truth is, I haven't really been trying recently. I've been so consumed with the fact that I've messed up that instead of just getting back into the swing of things I've just been making this worse! And then, I realized something...

The past DOESN'T matter. It doesn't matter that I've gained 10.6 pounds. It doesn't matter that twice in my life I blew up to almost 190 pounds. It doesn't matter that I've been fat my entire life. It doesn't matter. None of it does. All that matters is the here and now. All that matters is today. Yes, I've messed up, really badly. I've managed to gain back all but .6 pounds of what I'd lost this time around. That's the reality, and I'm not attempting to deny that it's happened. But it has, and sitting here whining about it or getting angry at myself isn't going to solve anything.

I've spent the last few days really thinking about what I want out of the whole journey. I've spent so long fighting to lose weight, and even though each and every single time I thought I was ready, I wasn't. I wanted results, and I wanted them so badly that when I didn't see them I started to give up. I would change my life so drastically and fully commit to something, and then slowly I would lose motivation. I would give it my all for one, two, three months, and then I'd look in the mirror or glance down at the scale, and think to myself, "This isn't enough." It was never enough. Two years ago when I got down into the 140s for the first [and only] time in my adult life, it wasn't enough. Eight weeks ago when I was at 151 pounds, it wasn't enough. So, I reverted to my old habits - because, let's face it, I'm a fat kid at heart. I am, and always will be.

So, where do I go from here? I need to find balance. I know I've said that before [recently], but this time I think I actually know what it means.

The thing is, I don't need to be 125 pounds by May 1 (my original goal date). I don't need to be 125 pounds by August 16 (my birthday). I don't even need to be 125 pounds by December 31 (New Year's Eve 2014). I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be better. Maybe by May 1 I can be back to the low 150s - that's better than where I am now. Maybe by August 16 I can be in the 130s - that's way better than where I am now. And maybe by December 31 my body will say "no, enough is enough" and I will be content at 128, 130, 135 pounds. And even if I'm not there, well, that's okay too. The point is, I need to figure out a way to take elements of my current lifestyle and merge them with elements of a better lifestyle. I need to make changes to the way I live, period, and hopefully in doing that, I will see the results I want to see ... naturally.

What does that mean exactly? Baby steps.

I know what I've been doing: not working out, not eating right, binging, eating late at night, not drinking enough water, donuts, cookies, quesadillas, pizza, large portions, second helpings, third helpings, eating when I'm not hungry, grease, deep-fried, relaxing too much, being lazy, fast food, not enough sleep ... preventing myself from reaching my goals.

And I know what I want to be doing: I want to be a runner, I want to finish P90X, I want to have a whole-foods approach to food, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, nuts, low-fat dairy, squats, lunges, push ups, pull ups, YOGA, pilates, 5Ks, half marathons, marathons, fitness, health, beauty, confidence ... things that will naturally bring me happiness.

Yesterday is gone, there's nothing I can do about it. Today I will make changes, so that tomorrow I can be the me I want to be. I'm not going to obsess over the scale. I'm not going to obsess over the timeline. I'm not going to obsess over one bad meal, or one missed work out. I'm not going to freak out because I can't run as fast as the person running next to me. I'm not going to freak out because I have to buy a medium instead of a small. I'm not going to freak out because I can't wear a bikini this summer. I'm not going to give up because I won't be PERFECT in my new license picture. I'm not going to give up because I won't be PERFECT at my cousin's wedding. I'm not going to give up because one more summer will slip away without me being PERFECT.

I WON'T BE PERFECT!
I won't eat 1200 calories a day, or 26 points a day. I won't go to the gym every day. I won't run every day. I won't drink 8 glasses of water every day. I won't get 8 hours of sleep every night. I won't go to pilates every week. I won't go to yoga every week. I won't lose two or three pounds every week. I won't lose 10 pounds every month. I WON'T BE PERFECT.

BUT I WILL BE BETTER!
I will eat better foods. I will stick to a reasonable amount of calories/points most days, and some days I will have a little more. I will go to the gym twice a week, and do the 10-Minute Trainer program on the days I don't. I will run [outside] once the warm weather comes. I will drink more water than I am drinking now. I will make a stronger effort to go to sleep a little earlier during the week. I will go to pilates every other week to start. I will enroll in a yoga class once I hit 145 pounds. I will lose weight. I will lose weight. I will lose weight. I WILL BE BETTER.

I need to stop focusing on being perfect. I can't be perfect. I am and will always be a fat kid. Period. I will always want greasy, salty, sugary, deep-fried, comfort foods. I will always have to push myself to get to the gym or to go for that run. I will always struggle with my weight. These are facts. BUT - I can indulge in those comfort foods less than I do now. I can get to the gym, or go for that run. I can fight the fight, and win the struggle. I can do this. But...

...it will take time. I don't except to lose weight every week. I expect to lose, and then gain, and then lose, and then gain, and then lose some more. I expect to get frustrated. I expect to want to give up. I expect to get impatient. I expect to ALMOST quit. But I never will. I will NEVER settle for the body that I have. Maybe I'll never be 125 pounds with washboard abs, perky boobs, and a firm butt. Maybe I'll never have that. But I damn well can have something better than I do now! And THAT is what I'm shooting for.

I've created a Tumblr account, Inspire Your Desire. It's kind of a mess right now, but it won't be for long, and eventually it will be my constant source for inspiration. Days I want to quit, days I want to give up, days I feel like it's just not good enough ... I'll go there. So, here is my first official snag from my Tumblr...

Ugh. Yeah. Well. There it is.

I honestly don't even know what to say about it. I know exactly how it happened. 100%. I'm SO off-kilter at this point, I have no idea how to even begin to regain my footing. I don't know what happened. I really don't. See this!? SEE IT!? 8.2 pounds ago. 8.2 FREAKING POUNDS AGO!

I mean, I don't want to sit here and blame it all on P90X, but that's pretty much what caused this. I was doing just fine, I really was. I was down 11.2 pounds, I was only 1.1 pounds away from breaking into the 140s, I was on my way! But I just wasn't losing fast enough. I wanted more, I wanted faster, I wanted to break out of the 150s SO badly that I changed things up, and it was a huge, HUGE mistake.

Now, here I am. Almost back into the 160s. I'm so mad I could scream. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I actually felt okay. I saw the number and thought to myself, "Yeah, well, you ate like a pig Friday, Sunday, and Monday nights. What did you expect? Just deal with it and move on." I did this to myself, so why should I be angry, right?

Well FUCK that! I'm PISSED! Yes, I AM mad at MYSELF, but I'm pissed nonetheless. Are you KIDDING me Sam!? WTF are you doing!? You've gained almost ALL of the weight that you lost since NOVEMBER! How DARE you sit there and tell yourself you're trying, or that you want this, when you can't even commit to it your FIRST WEEK BACK ON!? OH, and what did you do this morning, when a coworker asked you if you wanted a donut!? YOU ATE IT! YOU ATE THE DONUT, even after knowing that you gained a pound last week.


I'm SO done with this bullshit! I'm SO done rationalizing my way out of feeling bad about being a fuck up on this diet. I am SO fucking tired of making excuses and explaining all the reasons why "it's okay, it's okay, it's okay." IT'S NOT FUCKING OKAY! You HATE your body! You ALWAYS have! So STOP BEING A FUCKING IDIOT AND JUST DO IT! Like ... honestly ... ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?

Ooo, I'm mad! GOOD! Maybe I need to be fucking mad at myself! Maybe I need to curse and yell and scream and have a post I can look back on in the upcoming months that is REAL and HONEST. THIS IS REAL AND HONEST: I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING FAT AND YO-YOING AND "LOSING WEIGHT" AND BEING ON A DIET!


This weigh-in WILL BE the LAST weigh-in I gain weight due to user error. If I gain weight because I start working out or because my body decides to hang onto it, then fine. But I will NOT gain weight ONE MORE WEEK because I decided to be a fat ass. I'm SO over it! 100% over it! I can't do this anymore! I can't keep going back and forth and back and forth.

LOOK AT THAT LINE UP THERE! It may as well be straight up! Fuck this, I'm done with this. Next week that number will drop. Mark my fucking words!

*breathe*

First thing tomorrow morning I am going to measure myself and compare my measurements to the measurements I took on my first day of P90X to see if I've gained inches. I know I have, but I need to know how much. I know that some of the added weight will come off relatively fast, but no where near all of it. I just need to know how much. I'm so mad at myself I can't even type anymore. So I'm done for now.

I thought it might be a good idea to pop in here before my weigh-in tomorrow. This week has been, well, eh. It's been eh. My pattern for almost every single day was eating really well throughout the day and then eating like crap at night. In my mind I'm hoping it all balanced out. I don't THINK I gained anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if I did, or at least didn't lose anything.

I guess I'm kinda stuck. I feel like I'm in a better place right now with weight loss but at the same time, I think maybe I feel that way because I'm starting to get content with how I am. The irritating thing about that thinking is ... I'm NOT content with how I am. It's like every day I wake up and feel differently about how I look. But, at the end of the day, no matter how I spin it, I don't want to weigh 158-some-odd pounds. I want to weigh less than that.

Maybe I'll never reach 125 pounds. Maybe that's just not in the cards for me. Maybe, for me, my body just won't ever get there. But see, even THAT is a lie because it's not my BODY that's preventing me from doing this. It's MYSELF. I'M the one eating when I shouldn't be eating. I'M the one who has been too lazy to work out. I'M the one who isn't trying as hard as she should be trying. Me. Just me. And it sucks.

I need to really figure out how I'm going to do this. I need to figure out a balance. I'm anxious to see what the scale says tomorrow. If I've lost weight, even if it's only a little bit, then that means my day-on, night-off strategy may work for the long run. No, even if I've lost weight this week, I really need to get a little better than how I've been. The last few nights especially I kind of went a little overboard with my late-night snacking. The good news is that I don't have anything else left to snack on in my house, so at least the rest of the week I won't be doing that. I think that's something I need to really consider, too. At night when I get the munchies, if I have a well-stocked house, I tend to lose control. The logic here is, "If I keep a house of well-stocked, healthy snacks then I won't over-eat, or order something not healthy for take out or delivery," and while that is decent logic, it just doesn't pan out. I think I need to consider not stocking my house with a lot of food. Fruits, vegetables, and sandwich fixings. That should really be it. I mean, let's face it, I eat the same crap every day pretty much - fruit salad for breakfast, a salad from the salad bar downstairs for lunch, and a sandwich for dinner. I mean, that's the only food I really need to keep in my house. If I do that, then I won't have anything to munch on. The fear there is this plan will resort me to ordering greasy take out, but I need to learn some control! And I think it'll be easier for me to resist spending money and making a phone call and waiting for the delivery than it will be to wander into the kitchen and make something myself. I dunno.

I really don't know. I'm sort of at a crossroads I think - in that I'm at a point where I need to decide if I really want to do this or not. If I don't, I need to tone up, period. If I do, then I need to quit fucking around and just GET IT DONE! I should be done by now. Way done by now. I started this blog in November. That's about 4.5 months. Definitely was enough time to lose 30 pounds. I started my old blog LAST January. That's almost a year and a half ago! I mean, this is just getting out of control! The amount of time I've wasted is just ... staggering. It really is.

Okay, I've made up my mind. That was easy. I'm doing this. Since I pretty much cleaned out my house the last few nights, tonight I know I will be fine. This weekend a friend of mine is coming down for St. Patrick's Day, so I'm not even going to sit here and pretend like I'm not going to cheat. But until then, and after then, I am going to stick with this. I'm going to do exactly what I just said - fruit salad for breakfast, salad for lunch, sandwich for dinner. Day in, day out. And I'm going to do this.

My goal this month is to lose weight. That's it. Pretty simple. I think I can do that. Do I want to stretch the goal? Maybe. I mean, if I'm dreaming, it would be nice to see (by the first of each month)...

April - low 150s (151)
May - mid 140s (144)
June - high 130s (138)
July - low 130s (132)
August - GOAL (125)

These are rough numbers of course, but it's about 6-7 pounds a month, which is doable. It's high for sure, but it's doable, if I quit fucking around and just DO IT already. This way I can be close to goal on Forth of July (no one is really going to look at me and think "gee, she should probably lose 7 pounds"), and at goal by my birthday and my cousin's wedding.

I'm not going to commit to working out right now. The bottom line is I won't commit and it'll just make me upset. Right now I need to get my eating back under control. That will be the goal the rest of March - just to get my eating under control. Come April I'll see where I'm at and maybe start incorporating some P90X back into it. We'll see. For now, one thing at a time. And the thing right now is food. Ready, set... GO (I'm going, THIS TIME, I'm going!)

Yepp. That's about right! I knew I was going to see a number I didn't like, but to be honest, I expected it to be worse than that. I really was expecting to see the 160s again, so I guess when all is said and done I can't really be too upset. If you look on my weigh-ins page, you'll notice this little stretch of nonsense:


I mean, that pretty much says it all. I didn't weigh myself for five weeks and I gained 7.2 pounds. Moral of the story? WEIGH-IN! If I had seen a gain on 1/30 or 2/6 I would have stopped it right then and there, and maybe it only would have been 2 or 3 pounds at that point. Oh well, it happens. You move on.

I feel a lot better about things right now. Things in my life outside of weight loss are going really well and I finally feel like I'm breaking out of my two-year funk. *knock on wood* I finally feel like I'm becoming myself again, and that in and of itself is reason enough to get back on track and finish what I started. The good news is I've still lost 4 pounds since I started this stretch of my journey - and about 30 pounds total from New Year's Eve 2012 - and that's great. I still have a ways to go, but I think my head is finally on straight and I'm looking at things a lot more evenly. I'm not as concerned about dates or goals or meeting a deadline. Right now, I just want to lose weight. Period. So, I wanted to meet my goal by May 1st - I'm not going to, oh well, but maybe by May 1st I can be back to where I was before this gain. Then maybe by June 1st I can be in the low 140s, or maybe even the high 130s. Maybe I'll spend Forth of July on a boat, basking in the sun, comfortably in the low 130s. Maybe I won't be in that bikini I imagined but I'll still be more confident and still feel a lot better about myself. At this point I need to look at this journey in baby steps. Why this sudden change of attitude? Well ... next post ...

Well, it's that time again. Time to set some goals for the month. Being that I completely ignored any kind of goal setting in February, and basically blew off my goals for January, it's definitely time to get serious. So, this month, I am only making one goal. Just one goal.


That's it. Plain and simple. I don't care how much, I just want to lose some weight. Period. I'm getting back into the swing of things over the weekend, and next week I'll be full speed ahead. I plan to weigh in next Wednesday to see just how much damage I've caused in the last month. I'm assuming I'm back up around 160. Ugh. It's just terrible to think of that. That a little over a month ago I was teetering the line of breaking out of the 150s. Now I'm basically back to square one. Well. It is what it is.

March we will lose weight. That is our goal. I think it's a good one!