I thought it might be a good idea to pop in here before my weigh-in tomorrow. This week has been, well, eh. It's been eh. My pattern for almost every single day was eating really well throughout the day and then eating like crap at night. In my mind I'm hoping it all balanced out. I don't THINK I gained anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if I did, or at least didn't lose anything.

I guess I'm kinda stuck. I feel like I'm in a better place right now with weight loss but at the same time, I think maybe I feel that way because I'm starting to get content with how I am. The irritating thing about that thinking is ... I'm NOT content with how I am. It's like every day I wake up and feel differently about how I look. But, at the end of the day, no matter how I spin it, I don't want to weigh 158-some-odd pounds. I want to weigh less than that.

Maybe I'll never reach 125 pounds. Maybe that's just not in the cards for me. Maybe, for me, my body just won't ever get there. But see, even THAT is a lie because it's not my BODY that's preventing me from doing this. It's MYSELF. I'M the one eating when I shouldn't be eating. I'M the one who has been too lazy to work out. I'M the one who isn't trying as hard as she should be trying. Me. Just me. And it sucks.

I need to really figure out how I'm going to do this. I need to figure out a balance. I'm anxious to see what the scale says tomorrow. If I've lost weight, even if it's only a little bit, then that means my day-on, night-off strategy may work for the long run. No, even if I've lost weight this week, I really need to get a little better than how I've been. The last few nights especially I kind of went a little overboard with my late-night snacking. The good news is that I don't have anything else left to snack on in my house, so at least the rest of the week I won't be doing that. I think that's something I need to really consider, too. At night when I get the munchies, if I have a well-stocked house, I tend to lose control. The logic here is, "If I keep a house of well-stocked, healthy snacks then I won't over-eat, or order something not healthy for take out or delivery," and while that is decent logic, it just doesn't pan out. I think I need to consider not stocking my house with a lot of food. Fruits, vegetables, and sandwich fixings. That should really be it. I mean, let's face it, I eat the same crap every day pretty much - fruit salad for breakfast, a salad from the salad bar downstairs for lunch, and a sandwich for dinner. I mean, that's the only food I really need to keep in my house. If I do that, then I won't have anything to munch on. The fear there is this plan will resort me to ordering greasy take out, but I need to learn some control! And I think it'll be easier for me to resist spending money and making a phone call and waiting for the delivery than it will be to wander into the kitchen and make something myself. I dunno.

I really don't know. I'm sort of at a crossroads I think - in that I'm at a point where I need to decide if I really want to do this or not. If I don't, I need to tone up, period. If I do, then I need to quit fucking around and just GET IT DONE! I should be done by now. Way done by now. I started this blog in November. That's about 4.5 months. Definitely was enough time to lose 30 pounds. I started my old blog LAST January. That's almost a year and a half ago! I mean, this is just getting out of control! The amount of time I've wasted is just ... staggering. It really is.

Okay, I've made up my mind. That was easy. I'm doing this. Since I pretty much cleaned out my house the last few nights, tonight I know I will be fine. This weekend a friend of mine is coming down for St. Patrick's Day, so I'm not even going to sit here and pretend like I'm not going to cheat. But until then, and after then, I am going to stick with this. I'm going to do exactly what I just said - fruit salad for breakfast, salad for lunch, sandwich for dinner. Day in, day out. And I'm going to do this.

My goal this month is to lose weight. That's it. Pretty simple. I think I can do that. Do I want to stretch the goal? Maybe. I mean, if I'm dreaming, it would be nice to see (by the first of each month)...

April - low 150s (151)
May - mid 140s (144)
June - high 130s (138)
July - low 130s (132)
August - GOAL (125)

These are rough numbers of course, but it's about 6-7 pounds a month, which is doable. It's high for sure, but it's doable, if I quit fucking around and just DO IT already. This way I can be close to goal on Forth of July (no one is really going to look at me and think "gee, she should probably lose 7 pounds"), and at goal by my birthday and my cousin's wedding.

I'm not going to commit to working out right now. The bottom line is I won't commit and it'll just make me upset. Right now I need to get my eating back under control. That will be the goal the rest of March - just to get my eating under control. Come April I'll see where I'm at and maybe start incorporating some P90X back into it. We'll see. For now, one thing at a time. And the thing right now is food. Ready, set... GO (I'm going, THIS TIME, I'm going!)