Now, some of you may be thinking, "Wait a second. It's Wednesday. And she weighs-in on Wednesday. So, where is the weigh-in? Did she skip it?" No, I didn't skip the weigh-in. I weighed-in this morning at 161.6 - a 2.4 pound gain from last week. When I saw that on the scale this morning, the first thought that came into my brain was, "FUCK! FUCK THIS! I QUIT!" But then I thought again. And the truth is, I haven't really been trying recently. I've been so consumed with the fact that I've messed up that instead of just getting back into the swing of things I've just been making this worse! And then, I realized something...

The past DOESN'T matter. It doesn't matter that I've gained 10.6 pounds. It doesn't matter that twice in my life I blew up to almost 190 pounds. It doesn't matter that I've been fat my entire life. It doesn't matter. None of it does. All that matters is the here and now. All that matters is today. Yes, I've messed up, really badly. I've managed to gain back all but .6 pounds of what I'd lost this time around. That's the reality, and I'm not attempting to deny that it's happened. But it has, and sitting here whining about it or getting angry at myself isn't going to solve anything.

I've spent the last few days really thinking about what I want out of the whole journey. I've spent so long fighting to lose weight, and even though each and every single time I thought I was ready, I wasn't. I wanted results, and I wanted them so badly that when I didn't see them I started to give up. I would change my life so drastically and fully commit to something, and then slowly I would lose motivation. I would give it my all for one, two, three months, and then I'd look in the mirror or glance down at the scale, and think to myself, "This isn't enough." It was never enough. Two years ago when I got down into the 140s for the first [and only] time in my adult life, it wasn't enough. Eight weeks ago when I was at 151 pounds, it wasn't enough. So, I reverted to my old habits - because, let's face it, I'm a fat kid at heart. I am, and always will be.

So, where do I go from here? I need to find balance. I know I've said that before [recently], but this time I think I actually know what it means.

The thing is, I don't need to be 125 pounds by May 1 (my original goal date). I don't need to be 125 pounds by August 16 (my birthday). I don't even need to be 125 pounds by December 31 (New Year's Eve 2014). I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be better. Maybe by May 1 I can be back to the low 150s - that's better than where I am now. Maybe by August 16 I can be in the 130s - that's way better than where I am now. And maybe by December 31 my body will say "no, enough is enough" and I will be content at 128, 130, 135 pounds. And even if I'm not there, well, that's okay too. The point is, I need to figure out a way to take elements of my current lifestyle and merge them with elements of a better lifestyle. I need to make changes to the way I live, period, and hopefully in doing that, I will see the results I want to see ... naturally.

What does that mean exactly? Baby steps.

I know what I've been doing: not working out, not eating right, binging, eating late at night, not drinking enough water, donuts, cookies, quesadillas, pizza, large portions, second helpings, third helpings, eating when I'm not hungry, grease, deep-fried, relaxing too much, being lazy, fast food, not enough sleep ... preventing myself from reaching my goals.

And I know what I want to be doing: I want to be a runner, I want to finish P90X, I want to have a whole-foods approach to food, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, nuts, low-fat dairy, squats, lunges, push ups, pull ups, YOGA, pilates, 5Ks, half marathons, marathons, fitness, health, beauty, confidence ... things that will naturally bring me happiness.

Yesterday is gone, there's nothing I can do about it. Today I will make changes, so that tomorrow I can be the me I want to be. I'm not going to obsess over the scale. I'm not going to obsess over the timeline. I'm not going to obsess over one bad meal, or one missed work out. I'm not going to freak out because I can't run as fast as the person running next to me. I'm not going to freak out because I have to buy a medium instead of a small. I'm not going to freak out because I can't wear a bikini this summer. I'm not going to give up because I won't be PERFECT in my new license picture. I'm not going to give up because I won't be PERFECT at my cousin's wedding. I'm not going to give up because one more summer will slip away without me being PERFECT.

I WON'T BE PERFECT!
I won't eat 1200 calories a day, or 26 points a day. I won't go to the gym every day. I won't run every day. I won't drink 8 glasses of water every day. I won't get 8 hours of sleep every night. I won't go to pilates every week. I won't go to yoga every week. I won't lose two or three pounds every week. I won't lose 10 pounds every month. I WON'T BE PERFECT.

BUT I WILL BE BETTER!
I will eat better foods. I will stick to a reasonable amount of calories/points most days, and some days I will have a little more. I will go to the gym twice a week, and do the 10-Minute Trainer program on the days I don't. I will run [outside] once the warm weather comes. I will drink more water than I am drinking now. I will make a stronger effort to go to sleep a little earlier during the week. I will go to pilates every other week to start. I will enroll in a yoga class once I hit 145 pounds. I will lose weight. I will lose weight. I will lose weight. I WILL BE BETTER.

I need to stop focusing on being perfect. I can't be perfect. I am and will always be a fat kid. Period. I will always want greasy, salty, sugary, deep-fried, comfort foods. I will always have to push myself to get to the gym or to go for that run. I will always struggle with my weight. These are facts. BUT - I can indulge in those comfort foods less than I do now. I can get to the gym, or go for that run. I can fight the fight, and win the struggle. I can do this. But...

...it will take time. I don't except to lose weight every week. I expect to lose, and then gain, and then lose, and then gain, and then lose some more. I expect to get frustrated. I expect to want to give up. I expect to get impatient. I expect to ALMOST quit. But I never will. I will NEVER settle for the body that I have. Maybe I'll never be 125 pounds with washboard abs, perky boobs, and a firm butt. Maybe I'll never have that. But I damn well can have something better than I do now! And THAT is what I'm shooting for.

I've created a Tumblr account, Inspire Your Desire. It's kind of a mess right now, but it won't be for long, and eventually it will be my constant source for inspiration. Days I want to quit, days I want to give up, days I feel like it's just not good enough ... I'll go there. So, here is my first official snag from my Tumblr...