Meals for the day:

P90X Meal Plan: Phase 01 (Level 1) - Tuesday

Breakfast: Breakfast Burrito

• 3 egg whites
• 1 lean turkey sausage link
• 1 oz low-fat shredded cheese
• 1 corn tortilla

Morning Snack: Greek Yogurt & Strawberries

• 8 oz non-fat, plain Greek yogurt
• 1 cup strawberries

Lunch: Spaghetti & Salad

• 3 oz lean ground turkey
• ¾ cup whole wheat spaghetti
• 1½ oz Parmesan cheese
• ½ cup marinara sauce
• ¼ cup mushrooms
• ½ cup romaine lettuce

Afternoon Snack: Melon and Cheese

• ½ cup cantaloupe
• 1 low-fat string cheese

Dinner: Pork, Cauliflower, & Sorbet

• 6 oz pork tenderloin
• 1 cup cauliflower
• ½ oz low-fat shredded cheese
• 8 oz fruit sorbet

*After-work out recovery drink = 8 oz low-fat chocolate milk

Here's today's plan, as promised:

P90X Meal Plan: Phase 01 (Level 1) - Monday

Breakfast: Breakfast Sandwich

• 3 egg whites
• 1 slice Canadian bacon
• 1 oz low-fat cheese
• 1 whole wheat English muffin

Morning Snack: Trail Mix

• 1 oz almonds
• ½ oz raisins
• ¼ oz dried cherries

Lunch: Chef Salad

• 5 slices Canadian bacon
• 3 oz chicken breast
• 1 cup romaine lettuce
• 1 cup baby spinach
• 1½ oz low-fat mozzarella

Afternoon Snack: Rice Cakes & Fruit Salad

• 12 mini rice cakes
• ½ cup cantaloupe
• ½ cup strawberries

Dinner: Shrimp Stir-Fry

• 6 oz shrimp
• ½ cup brown rice
• ½ cup broccoli
• ½ cup mushrooms

*After-work out recovery drink = 8 oz low-fat chocolate milk

Time for Sunday's menu:

P90X Meal Plan: Phase 01 (Level 1) - Sunday

Breakfast: Mushroom Omelet & Strawberries

• 6 egg whites
• ½ cup mushrooms
• 1 oz low-fat shredded cheese
• ½ cup strawberries

Morning Snack: Strawberry Parfait

• 8 oz non-fat, plain Greek yogurt
• ½ cup strawberries
• 1 oz dried cherries
• ¼ cup whole-grain cereal

Lunch: Chicken Tacos & Carrots

• 3 oz chicken breast
• 2 corn tortillas
• 1 oz low-fat shredded cheese
• ½ cup romaine lettuce
• ¾ cup carrots

Afternoon Snack: Greek Yogurt & Pineapple

• 8 oz non-fat, plain Greek yogurt
• ½ cup pineapple

Dinner: Turkey Burger & Side Salad

• 3 oz extra lean turkey burger patty
• 1 oz low-fat cheese
• ¾ cup romaine lettuce
• ¼ cup carrots

*After-work out recovery drink = 8 oz low-fat chocolate milk

So, remember how I said that Plyometrics is awesome and it's my new favorite work out and I love it and we are going to whisk off into the sunset and have a beautiful life together?

Yeah - scratch that.

I am in SO much pain today I can't even begin to express the reality of the situation to you. Today I'm supposed to do Shoulders & Arms and another go of Ab Ripper X, but the very thought of making myself do ANYTHING physical other than walking is an absolute joke! Even walking is a horrendous experience! I'm really bummed because I really was looking forward to kicking butt again today. But I'm terrified that if I  move the wrong way or even sneeze for that matter I'm going to really hurt myself. I guess I'll just use today as my rest day and catch up on Wednesday with everything. I don't really know, but I know that working out right now would be an absolute train wreck. I suppose taking one day off to recover versus taking a few weeks off because of an injury is an easy choice - right?

Literally, getting out of bed was probably comparable to the pain of child birth - and sitting down on / getting up from the toilet? Don't even get me started. It's literally like someone came over to me in the middle of the night with a hammer and just started beating the hell out of my legs. My quads especially. Ugh, and I'm supposed to go out with my neighbor again tonight ... HOW am I going to do that!?

Oh, speaking of my neighbor ... In other news, I kinda messed up last night with my nutrition plan. I ended up going out spontaneously with my neighbor and her brother and his friend who popped into town unexpectedly for a visit. We went out and met up with some other people for drinks and appetizers. I at first was only going to have one drink and call it a day, but one drink turned into two, turned into three, turned into ordering a chicken quesadilla, and, well, I think you get the gist. Needless to say I made a boo-boo. I'm not super concerned with it though as it's just one day. Tony Horton actually recommends having two "cheat days" to keep yourself from going crazy. So I guess that was mine. I don't think he'd be happy about the quesadilla though even if he could get past the five tequila waters. *shame*

But today is a new day! And so far so good - at least with the nutrition portion of things! I had my Sausage Omelet & English Muffin about an hour ago and I'll be having my Peanut Butter Apple shortly. Even if I can't work out today at least I can stick to the nutrition plan I guess. Gotta do what you gotta do in these cases I suppose...

Another day, another meal plan:

P90X Meal Plan: Phase 01 (Level 1) - Saturday

Breakfast: Sausage Omelet & English Muffin

• 6 egg whites
• 2 lean turkey sausage links
• 1½ oz low-fat mozzarella
• 1 whole wheat English muffin

Morning Snack: Peanut Butter Apple

• 1 apple
• 1 tbsp reduced-fat peanut butter

Lunch: Chicken Salad

• 3 oz chicken breast
• 1 cup romaine lettuce
• ¾ cup baby spinach
• ¼ cup carrots
• 1½ oz low-fat mozzarella

Afternoon Snack: Shrimp Cocktail & Cheese

• 3 oz shrimp
• 2 tbsp Walden Farms Seafood Sauce
• 1 low-fat string cheese

Dinner: Tilapia, Rice, & Asparagus

• 3 oz tilapia
• ½ cup brown rice
• 1 cup asparagus

*After-work out recovery drink = 8 oz low-fat chocolate milk

I just finished my Plyometrics work out, and I gotta say one quick thing before I say anything else ... I LOVED it! It was SO hard and SO intense, but it was SO much fun at the same time. There were a few moves I couldn't do, that's for sure. There were two jumps, one where you had to bring your knees in front of you flat like a tabletop (90° angle from your torso) and another where you had to keep your torso and upper legs straight, but bend your leg at the knee and bring your feet up to almost touch your butt. Neither of those were successful for me, hahaa. But, as you can see, unlike yesterday's work out where my "failures" made me depressed and wanting to give up, my "failures" today made me laugh. I think the reason is because not only do I know they were really advanced moves but because I did well with the majority of the rest of the work out. I felt like I kept up with the people on the DVD really well, and that made me feel fantastic! I honestly feel like I could conquer the world right now *dances*

Well, my Chicken Parmesan is cooking on the stove so I should probably get back to it! Just wanted quickly state officially for the record that Plyometrics is my NEW FAVORITE WORKOUT!

Last night was my first official P90X workout: Chest and Back, followed by Ab Ripper X. I felt really good putting the discs in, knowing that I was going to be one step closer to my goal. I expected the butt-kicking of a lifetime and braced myself to be in horrendous pain. And after it was over? Well. To be honest, I wasn't really sure how I felt about the whole thing.

During the Chest and Back routine there was a moment during when I got really frustrated. Although I was doing every moment to the best of my ability, at least as far as I knew, I didn't really feel any sort of a burn in my back, or chest for that matter. The muscles the exercises were supposed to be targeting almost seemed like they were getting brushed by. My arms began to feel a little sore, but that was really about it. Because of this, I wasn't sure if I was doing the moves right or using the right size bands or whatever the case was. All these variables popped into my head and starting dancing a dance of self-doubt. I started questioning every single movement wondering if I was in any way close to replicating the exercises being demonstrated. Aside from my dance of self-doubt, I was also becoming increasingly frustrated with my inability to do push-ups. Being that the entire work out, for the most part, consisted of push-ups and pull-ups I spent about half the time getting angry at how seemingly weak I was. At one point, I remember sitting on my knees, closing my eyes, and feeling them start to tear up. I could feel myself almost say "Screw it!" and quit.

Then, during a water break, I had a little chat with myself. I told myself that I was doing fine; that I'd never done a work out like this before and that I shouldn't hold myself to the same standards as the people in the video who are a) in far better shape than I am, and b) have done these work outs a bazillion times! I reminded myself that push-ups weren't going to be in every work out, and they are hard; it's okay that I couldn't really do them. After my little conversation I snapped back into it and was able to push through the rest of the workout. The irony is my struggle during this first work out wasn't physical, it was mental.

After Chest and Back it was time for Ab Ripper X. I had done this DVD a few years back when I first got the set from my friend, so I was slightly familiar with the routines. Even with my preparedness I still had to stop the DVD about four minutes into the work out. My legs, for some strange reason, were really sore and lifting them up to do the some of the crunch-moves was really difficult. Tony [Horton, creator and instructor of P90X] says to take breaks if you need them, so I did. I paused the DVD for about 3-4 minutes, said a quick hi to my cat, got a sip of water, and pushed "play." Similar to what was happening during Chest and Back, my abs really didn't feel like they were getting the brunt of the work out. My upper thighs and butt seemed to be carrying all the tension, so once again I was concerned that I was doing something wrong. Maybe I was burnt out so my form was off? I wasn't sure, but I couldn't help feeling discouraged.

After finishing both workouts, I sat on my couch and reflected. I couldn't help thinking of all the blogs and comments on message boards I've read of people saying how miserable they were after their first P90X work out - some to the point of feeling nauseous or even vomiting! And there I sat, completely fine. I wasn't overly tired, I wasn't terribly sweaty, my head and stomach felt fine. I was a little drowsy and warm, but that was about the extent of it. I once again began questioning if I'd even accomplished anything at all. I felt like I tried really hard and pushed as much as I could ... but something still felt like it was missing. The only thing I was able to come up with was that perhaps the reason I didn't feel more wiped out is because I'm used to cardio-based work out, and seeing as this was almost entirely resistance training I simply wasn't feeling that heart-racing feeling I normally would after exercising. I decided it was better to try and forget about all my doubts and just go to sleep; maybe I'll feel more sore in the morning.

When I woke up today I did feel a little more sore. Still not in my proper chest or back, but some of the surrounding areas: my sides and shoulders for example. My abs were a little sore too, but nothing crazy. I do feel a little better about the work outs now. I think the reason I was so upset is because I had anticipated feeling so crappy, and to feel perfectly fine was not only unexpected but it was simply strange. I'm not in the best shape, so to feel just dandy after a butt-kicking work out was just a bit odd. But, clearly I did something right because I am feeling it a little today. Hopefully this type of feeling will only get stronger and stronger the further I get in the program. I still have really good hopes about it! One day down; eighty-nine to go! Tonight: Plyometrics (which I've heard is the hardest P90X work out). Dun, dun, DUN!

Here is today's meal plan:

P90X Meal Plan: Phase 01 (Level 1) - Friday

Breakfast: Strawberry Smoothie

• 8 oz non-fat, plain Greek yogurt
• 8 oz skim milk
• 1 cup strawberries

Morning Snack: Berries & Cheese

• 1 cup strawberries
• 1 low-fat string cheese

Lunch: Turkey Sandwich & Carrots

• 3 oz turkey luncheon meat
• 1 slice whole wheat bread
• 1 oz low-fat cheese
• 1 cup baby carrots

Afternoon Snack: Deviled Eggs

• 4 hard boiled eggs
• 2 tbsp low-fat mayonnaise

Dinner: Chicken Parmesan with Broccoli

• 3 oz chicken breast
• ½ cup marinara sauce
• 3 oz Parmesan cheese
• ½ cup broccoli

*After-work out recovery drink = 8 oz low-fat chocolate milk

Last night I took my measurements and before photos, and honestly, I don't really even know what to say. As much as I would love to for the sake of documentation, I simply can't bring myself to post my "before" shots. At least not yet. They aren't terrible [I suppose], at least not compared to some that are out there, but they just aren't ready for the eyes of the public. I'm thinking when I get to 60 days I'll have made enough progress to show a comparison. Until then, they will simply remain a mystery - if only they could be a mystery to me too! Being that I'm too scared to show my pictures, I'll at least share my measurements:


The irony of the whole situation is those numbers really aren't that bad. 27% body fat is actually considered "acceptable" - in fact, it's only 2% away from the lowest percentage in that category - however, if you were to see my pictures, this percentage is certainly not acceptable! After doing a little bit of research I think I'd like to fall in the 20-21% range, so I have quite a long way to go. As for the other measurements, they don't really mean much to me. I'm not familiar enough with body measurements to really have an opinion - let's just say I'm a far cry away from the 36-24-36 idealism. I do think it's somewhat amusing that my thighs are different sizes. For my arms it totally makes sense because I'm right handed so my right bicep is constantly being worked out in every daily activity; but my legs? I don't get it. Mystery...

After my neighbor helped me take my pictures, during which I was simply mortified, I sat down at my computer and stared at them - for at least 20 minutes. I sat there and examined each and every flaw. Every part of my body I couldn't stand was right there, out in the open, ready to be viewed. My "back" picture actually isn't that bad, and is by far my favorite one to look at. Somehow I've managed to get away without having back rolls, which is a nice little piece of information I've never really known before. My "profile" pictures are just dreadful - my stomach literally looks like it goes out about a mile from the rest of me. It honestly looks like I could almost be pregnant. In my "front" picture you really can't tell, but as soon as I turn to the side it literally looks like I just jumped into my third trimester.

I'm trying really hard to not be upset about what I see. It is what it is, and at this point it can only get better, right? Part of me is crossing my fingers so tight that they are almost cracking in half that I will someday have the body I've always dreamed of; then the other part of me looks at these pictures and thinks how stupid the other half of me must be to even imagine a world so far-fetched that a reality like that could possibly be true. All I can do at this point is do the workouts, put in the effort, eat the right foods, have a positive attitude, and BRING IT each and every day for the next 90 days. And hopefully, if I can do my absolute best, these pictures will only be a small blip on the radar of my life - and they will disappear, forever!

So, I've decided to post my daily meal plans for each phase while I'm doing P90X, mainly because there aren't a lot of people out there who have posted their plans. While I was creating mine I had a tough time coming up with enough unique meals to fill up an entire week, so I wanted to put this out there for anyone who may be in the same situation. I will be posting one meal plan a day for the first week of each phase, and I will be repeating those meals for all weeks of each phase. So, without further delay, here is today's:

P90X Meal Plan: Phase 01 (Level 1) - Thursday

Breakfast: "Grand Slam"

• 3 egg whites
• 2 lean turkey sausage links
• ½ cup 1% cottage cheese
• ½ cup pineapple

Morning Snack: Peanut Butter Toast

• 1 tbsp reduced-fat peanut butter
• 1 slice whole wheat bread

Lunch: Asian Shrimp Salad

• 2 oz shrimp
• 2 oz chicken breast
• 1 cup romaine lettuce
• 1 cup baby spinach
• 1 mandarin orange
• 1 oz almonds

Afternoon Snack: Turkey Roll-Up & Yogurt

• 3 oz turkey luncheon meat
• 1 oz low-fat cheese
• 4 oz non-fat, plain yogurt

Dinner: Steak & Potatoes with Broccoli

• 3 oz steak
• ½ baked potato
• ½ oz low-fat shredded cheese
• 1 cup broccoli

*After-work out recovery drink = 8 oz low-fat chocolate milk

Tomorrow I start P90X. Dun, dun, DUN! ... In my last post I was discussing some fears I have regarding the program, specifically with the calorie intake requirement. Because the workouts are so demanding, the program requires a higher calorie intake than someone who is typically on a diet for weight loss. Under normal circumstances, most women my age and my weight class would aim for a diet of 1200 calories. However, P90X requires that I consume 1800 calories. The additional 600 calories required of me will be used to burn during my workouts. Then I started getting nervous. 600 calories is a LOT to burn in ONE work out. What if I don't burn enough? Then I'll be over-eating. So, I did a little research, and I found this:

The average amount of calories burned while doing a single P90X video seem to range between 550 and 750 calories per hour. KenpoX, Plyometrics, and CardioX tend to burn more calories than the resistance based videos. Also adding Ab Ripper X to the end of your P90X workout will burn an extra 200-250 calories. The resistance based P90X videos do not burn as many calories as the others I mentioned while you are exercising. However, your body tends to burn more calories over the course of several hours after your P90X workout when using the resistance based videos. It seems that most people average 600-700 calories an hour using the P90X system. If you are overweight you will most likely burn 100-200 calories more than the average P90X user. Also, if you are small or very thin you will most likely burn 100-200 calories less than the average P90X user.

In other words, for tomorrow night's workout (Chest & Back and Ab Ripper X) I'll be burning somewhere between 850-1200 tomorrow night! How did I come up with that?

• 550-750 calories for Chest & Back
• 200-250 calories for Ab Ripper X
• 100-200 calories for being overweight

Down another 2.2 pounds from last week. Phew. I'm really happy with that number. The last four or five days I haven't been tracking; I've been cleaning up my kitchen, so-to-speak, eating all of the foods I had that I can't eat once I start P90X tomorrow! None of these foods were bad necessarily - they were all healthier options - but the combination of foods I've had has been very, very strange. Basically 26(+) points a day in [healthy] junk food - ice cream, brownies, cracker-chips, etc. I went over my points every day, sometimes by a little and sometimes by a lot. So, all things considered I'm really happy about that number. It feels good to be out in front as far as my weight loss is concerned, and hopefully moving forward I won't have anymore steps backwards.

I'm really excited to begin P90X! I'm slightly terrified of the workouts, but I really have a good feeling about the program overall. That doesn't mean I don't have any concerns, of course. Not being able to use the scale to gauge my progress is going to be tough, and not getting frustrated with the difficulty of the workouts is also going to be a challenge. But I think my main worry is the fact that the diet is roughly 1800 calories per day (although my days seem to be a touch lower most of the time, around 1400-1500). Therefore I'm going to be consuming 200-600 additional calories per day (with the considerations of a 1200 calorie diet). If I don't bust my butt in the workouts and get the estimated burn then I'm going to be eating too much to consistently drop weight... but more to come on this in my next post.

For now, I feel pretty satisfied at 151 pounds. I think the worst part of my journey is over. Only 26 more pounds to go, and now that I think I've found a program that will really get my butt into shape (literally) I really, really am confident I'm going to get this done. I feel REALLY good about things right now, and I really haven't felt that way in quite a long time! *cheeses*

In my last post I mentioned my "final week on Weight Watchers" ... But don't worry, I'm not giving up on weight loss - but I do believe it's time for a change of pace. I still plan to keep my online membership (at least for a little while), but because I am starting P90X on Thursday, and it demands a much higher calorie intake to combat the intense physical activity of the program, there will never be a single day where I am able to stick to my daily points. I believe someone had estimated that you would need to add somewhere between 6 and 10 points to your day, depending on what level you fall within in P90X's nutrition plan, in order to stack up. I also read that the magic of P90X is 80% about the nutrition, and only 20% about the work outs - essentially what that means is if you only do the work outs and not the nutritional portion you could potentially only receive 20% of the benefits intended. Therefore ...

It's time to get clean!

The P90X nutrition plan is all about clean eating. I tried a program similar to their method of nutrition back when I did Michael Thurmond's Six Week Body Makeover back in high school. At the time it was far too difficult for me. I think I only did it for three or four weeks, though I did end up losing about 10 pounds in the process. Now that I'm living on my own and don't have quite as many distractions in my life I'm hoping I can stick to it.

After reviewing the nutrition plan from P90X I was a little bit concerned - especially with regards to how I was going to get all FIVE servings of protein in a day. I'm not really a big meat fan, and really only frequently eat turkey or chicken, so the idea that I was going to have to eat FIVE servings of meat every single day for the first 28 days was CRAZY to me. So, I decided to do a little research and make some alterations. Based on some changes that others have made while they were on the program (none of whom receiving negative impact from their changes) I made a few alterations to the plan in order to make it a little easier to stick to. These changes include adding Greek yogurt as a protein option, using chocolate milk as a substitute for the P90X Peak Recovery Formula, and other minor alterations - all of which have been tested by others who have enjoyed the full benefits of the program. During the first 28 days of the program (Phase 1) my food intake will consist of 5 servings of protein (meats, egg whites, Greek yogurt), 2 servings of dairy (milk, cheese, yogurt), 1 serving of fruit, 2 servings of vegetables, 1 serving of carbs (breads, rice, oatmeal, potatoes), and 2 snacks (string cheese, protein bar, nonfat frozen yogurt), in addition to a small amount of fats and condiments. Each day I also must consume a recovery drink after my work outs. The program suggests their product, of course, however I've read numerous articles that chocolate milk works just as well - wish is PERFECT because I LOVE chocolate milk and ALWAYS crave it.

I spent a good amount of time this weekend working on a meal plan - I wanted to have every meal specifically laid out for me, so all I had to do was look at my plan and cook. No thinking involved. When I think, that's when I tend to make mistakes. With my meal plan I've already done all the thinking and planning so there is much less room for error - all I have to do is eat what it tells me to eat. If I'm not in the mood for something scheduled, oh well - I need to start thinking of food as fuel and not as an object of enjoyment.

Today I went to Jewel and stocked up. I bought an extra mini bottle of chocolate milk because I just couldn't wait until Thursday to crack into it. It's amazing how different my fridge looks. Before, on Weight Watchers, my freezer was STOCKED. My fridge was too of course, but my freezer was crazy stocked. Now? I barely have enough to fill the main section - and the door is completely empty. All I have in there is whole wheat waffles, Italian ice, pork, steak, tilapia, shrimp, turkey sausage, broccoli, and cauliflower. That's basically it.

I'm really excited to start the program. Like, really, really excited. I'm not even really all that scared anymore about the workouts. I mean, I am, but I'm more excited than anything else, which is strange actually. I'm going to take it as a good sign. I've been anxious all weekend to get started; I'm just hoping this enthusiasm lasts... for at least 90 days!

My resistance bands for P90X were supposed to arrive today so I could start the program tonight. However, when it appeared they weren't going to be arriving on time, I spent about an hour going back and forth as to whether or not I should just start the program tomorrow night (assuming the bands would come in of course), maybe double up on my work outs one day this weekend to catch up or something along those line. But then I started thinking:

Last night I was going through my refrigerator, freezer, and pantry, and realized I have quite a bit of food hanging around my apartment that I'm not going to be able to eat once I start P90X. It's not bad food, or junk food, or anything along those lines - it's all healthy stuff - but most of it is processed, which P90X doesn't really allow. So, I'm going to use the next week to finish up the food I have hanging around (the food that will spoil that is) so that Wednesday night when I'm preparing all my meals for the next day I will only have on-plan food in the house and I'll be good to go - starting the workouts and nutrition hard on Thursday of next week. I was pretty content with this idea and looked forward to spending the next week researching, preparing, and ultimately getting ready for the next three months of my life.

Then Linton, our mail room clerk, showed up with a box from Amazon: my resistance bands. I was again torn, but only for a moment... why? The points I raised before were valid; I don't want to waste all of the food I have in my apartment just to start P90X one week earlier. And, if that wasn't reason enough, I did just start my period this morning. Now, some of you may be thinking, "Well, you're going to have that problem for two other weeks during the program so why does that matter?" The thing is, no, no I won't. My birth control makes it so I only have a period every three months. Therefore, if I wait until next Thursday to start P90X I shouldn't have another period until the week after I finish the program.

So, it's settled. I will start P90X Thursday, January 24. Between now and then I will finish up all the off-plan food, read through all of the program literature, and enjoy my final week on Weight Watchers. "Wait, what? Your final week on Weight Watchers?" ... I'll explain soon!

A while back I wrote a review on Yoplait Greek 100, and shortly after I published it I received an email from one of the publicists for Yoplait saying she had read the review and would like to send me a gift package as a thank you. I thought it was pretty neat, so I sent her my address. That was about mid-December, and since then I haven't heard anything more on the matter so I'd pretty much forgotten about it. Tonight I came home from work to find a FedEx package sitting in front of my door. It was the gift package! Inside was a little booklet of recipes featuring Greek 100, a work out towel, and a t-shirt. Nothing too fancy, but I was still a little geeked about it.

I decided to take a picture of myself in the t-shirt and send it to my mom and my two closest friends, all of whom know I'm on Weight Watchers. My mom and my friend Jessica (my friend who flew down for New Year's Eve) both laughed and said it was pretty cool. My friend Eric, who lives in Texas and whom I haven't seen since August, didn't even respond about the t-shirt. His only response was: "How much weight have you lost since I saw you last? You look great!"

Eric is not the type to fish out fake compliments. He's gay, and very bitchy, and always tells the truth. Coming from him, I was really flattered. But at the same time I couldn't help but wonder if I actually look any different from the last time I saw him. Going through an old weight-log of mine I noted that I weighed 153-ish in September, and I had just seen Eric a few weeks prior. Logic would assume I weighed somewhere in the high 150s when I saw him last. So, at best, that's only about seven pounds that I've lost. Can he really see a difference in only seven pounds?

I think this somewhat ties back into that little voice in the back of my mind telling me I can't do this, or that I'll always be fat. I hear the compliment, and although I appreciate it, it's like I can't really believe it. Even from Eric - it was really nice of him to say, but at the same time my mind just swims in self doubt. I need to stop. I need to hear these compliments and let them push me forward to do more, not let them drag me down. When someone tells me I look great, my response should be, "Thank you. Yes. I do look great!"

There's my gain. 1.4 pounds. But like I said, it's okay. And actually, I was expecting far worse than that. I had three off days last week, and I didn't work out at all aside from my Pilates class Wednesday night. So honestly, the fact that it was only 1.4 pounds is really a good thing. Sure I'm bummed to be that much further away from breaking into the 140s, but it's okay. If it doesn't happen next week, then it will happen the week after. I know it. I know I will get into the 140s by February and I can move forward. I know I said I was going to abandon my timeline, and I am. The only reason I still want to be in the 140s by the end of January is because I really need that mental shift. For most people, just as Weight Watchers preaches, losing 10% of their body weight is the turning point - the point where they become extra motivated and really can't wait to do more. For me, it's not 10%. It's 149.9 pounds (I guess my 10% would be around 145 pounds anyway, so they aren't too far off, hahaa).

Even with the gain this week I am in good spirits. For some reason I have a new boost of confidence. I think it's because I'm starting P90X tomorrow and I really think that will be good for me. I work really well on a schedule and that's exactly what it does. Starting next week I'm going to do better on my eating too. I don't mean "do better" as far as points are concerned, I mean I guess I mean that too, but what I really mean is "do better" as far a what I eat. I'm going to go to the grocery store this weekend and get myself situated with some better eating. Lately I've relied a lot on fruit salads for breakfast (which is fine I suppose), Lean Cuisine's for lunch, and either a salad or turkey burger for dinner. I need to start getting some better habits into my diet.

Sort of piggy-backing on that, P90X has a nutrition guide to it as well. I don't have the guide but I'm going to try and find a free version of it online somewhere for download. Once I get home tonight I'm going to take a closer look at it (download pending) and figure out how to incorporate it into my lifestyle. I assume without even looking at it that it's going to be a lot of whole foods and clean eating, which is truthfully what I need to start doing anyway. I love food. And I like cooking. And I need to make life-long changes. Lean Cuisines are only going to last me so long, ya know?

More to come tonight. For now, up 1.4 pounds. But it's okay! *positive Sam*

A long while back I borrowed a P90X set from my friend so I could burn the discs and ultimately do the program for free. Unfortunately he had misplaced one of the discs, leaving my burnt collection incomplete. Because programs like this require the utmost dedication (aka no holes) I shelved the idea for a while until I could decide how to replace the missing component. It's been well over a year, and finally, tonight, after only 15 minutes or so of thinking, I came up with a solution: download a torrent of the missing disc. Duh. And voila! My set is now complete. I ordered a set of resistance bands (a required addition to the program) and, because my mom has crazy-fast shipping with Amazon, I should have them delivered by Thursday - which incidentally is PERFECT. Why? Well...

P90X is on a seven-day schedule, with six-days-on and the seventh day as rest day (or, optionally, you can choose to use the seventh day as a stretch work out). If I start the program on Thursday when my resistance bands arrive, as I intend, then my "seventh day" will fall on Wednesdays, which, ironically, is the night of my Pilates class (I really like the instructor on the Wednesday night class and so I only intend on doing Pilates on Wednesdays moving forward). So, it's perfect! Thursday-Tuesday will be P90X and Wednesday, the day of my weigh-ins, will be Pilates.

So, there you have it. Oh, and for those of you who don't know what P90X is:

P90X® is a complete 90-day home fitness system designed to get you in the best shape of your life. Created by trainer Tony Horton, the program includes 12 intense workouts that use resistance and body-weight training, cardio, plyometrics, ab work, martial arts and yoga, along with a nutrition plan, fitness guide and workout calendar.

Obviously, because I didn't actually purchase the program, I don't have the nutrition plan, or fitness guide/workout calendar. However, being that Weight Watchers is my nutrition plan, that's taken care of. As for the fitness guide/workout calendar, fortunately you can find pretty much anything you want online. Here it is, edited to show my specific days:


Why did I decide to start doing P90X? Well. Let's face it. My time at the gym as of late has been pretty pathetic. I barely manage to get there twice a week and when I do, ha, it's like I may as well have not even gone in the first place. I just for whatever reason can't get back into the swing of working out at the gym. I need a trainer. I need someone to tell me what to do. I think the reason I've been enjoying my Pilates class as much as I have is because I have someone up there instructing me. Do this movement this many times at this intensity, then do this movement. I'm slightly concerned that doing the program at home will be a little different than my class, for the simple fact that in my class I can't just stop. Not only is the instructor looking at me, but everyone else in the class is as well. BUT, I'm hoping that once I start doing the program I'll just keep doing it and keep doing it. If I have to stop and take a water break, that's okay. Just finish the damn work out. That's my goal for the first week. Stop as many times as you need, Sam, just finish it.

I'm excited to get started with this! I spent a little while deciding between just sticking with P90X or purchasing it's slightly-less-challenging predecessor Power 90. The main reason I was leaning towards Power 90 is because the workouts are only 30-45 minutes a day, versus P90X's workouts which are an hour to an hour-and-a-half a day. I was almost about to hit the "Submit" button to purchase Power 90 when I realized how much free time I spend at night just sitting on my couch watching TV, and half the time I'm bored and restless. I'm done taking shortcuts. P90X may be a little too challenging for me, but it will only be at that way at first. I'd rather struggle through something and get results than yawn my way through something and get less out of it.

My neighbor, who used to be a model, used to do P90X when she was 15 and active in the business. Her exact words were, "I was a damn sexy ass bitch after it... You're going to look fucking awesome!" Dang. I just hope she's right!

I had an epiphany yesterday. I was writing another post recapping my thought process over the weekend (which is now irrelevant, hence the reason this post in question wasn't published) and in the process of writing a light bulb turned on. As my fingers hit the keys of my keyboard, my eyes widened - the phrase I was typing was a phrase that had never previously popped into my realm of thought. It was new. It was groundbreaking. And hopefully it will break my cycle of cheating.

I know why I cheat.

I think I cheat or binge or eat things off plan because deep down I'm afraid I can't do this; that no matter how good I am the weight won't come off, so why not enjoy what I eat?

And there it is. In black and white [and grey]. The deep down, to the core, honest to God truth. As soon as those words came out of my fingers, I stopped. I stared at the screen and read it at least ten times. It made total and complete sense to me... I cheat because deep down there's a part of me that doubts my ability to ever be thin.

Since I came to my realization I've done a lot of thinking about my journey and what it all means. I'm going to gain weight this week, I know that for a fact. I wouldn't be surprised if I was back up into the 155 area. But in all honesty, it's okay. It is. And here's why...

I've been so consumed with my timeline. Although I haven't made a billion trackers like I have in previous diets that timeline is still constantly in the back of my mind. I think about how much I'll weigh in February, March, April. How good it will feel to be at goal in May. How I'll be able to buy a whole new summer wardrobe, including my first bikini ever. I think about spending the long summer days sunning myself on the beach, going out to fancy night clubs, and just being fabulous in general. Then, I snap back into reality, look down at my chub and think to myself, "Yeah, that'll never happen." Don't quote me but I'm willing to bet that every instance of my submission into poor eating has been with that thought in the back of my mind: I can't do this, so why even try?

So, I'm going to make some changes. I'm going to get rid of my timeline. Yes I'd love to have all the things I described above, but the fact of the matter is if I keep holding myself down to a date I'm going to continue to get frustrated and turn to food. Tomorrow I weigh in. My weight will be higher than it was last week. I know this. But you know what? It's okay. It's okay because ... well ... it just is. There's no sense in getting upset about it. Getting upset won't change anything. The numbers will read as they will read, regardless of if I get upset or not. I'm hoping that now that I have the reasons behind my cheating figured out that I will no longer plummet into that abyss.

At this point, I just need to take things one day at a time. I can't be obsessed about the numbers, I can't be obsessed about the timeline. If I am, I'll continue to stress, and doubt, and eat. Period. Taking this one day at a time ... that's something small that I can control. It's too hard to think of myself eating a great breakfast every day for the next four months, or not over-indulging in dessert for the next fourth months, or making sure I get a good work out in every day for the next four months. But it's easy to get a good breakfast in today, and to not over-indulge in dessert today, and to get a good work out in today. TODAY I can control. I can't control the next four months, or the next four years, or the next forty years! But I can control today.

Today I will make the right choices. Today I will get one step closer to my goal. Today I will do my best to think positively about myself and to support myself in this journey. Today I will tell myself that I can do this. And I CAN do this. That last comment was meant for you, terrible little voice in my subconscious. Do you hear me? I CAN do this! And I will.

I can feel myself starting to slip this week, and I can only pray it's just a temporary glitch.

Last night, my boss took all of his direct reports out for dinner. We went to a place called The City Winery, essentially a wine bar that also features higher end cuisine. I already knew I'd go over my points by drinking the wine, but that wasn't a huge concern of mine. Before dinner, appetizers were served. When they were first put down in front of me I didn't see anything that was really worth the trouble. Red-wine-soaked salami, prosciutto, cheese, and bread. I tried a small sample of each but nothing too crazy. Then, shortly after I had congratulated myself for not going over-board, the mushrooms came out. Stuffed mushrooms. Stuffed Parmesan mushrooms. Stuffed Parmesan mushrooms with garlic, and onions, and melted goodness. Needless to say, I had quite a few of these. I told myself after the first two, "You've been good for a while, tonight is a special event after all. Enjoy yourself!" If I had to guess, I probably had seven or eight by the end of the night. Next, it was time for dinner - a three course meal with three options for each course. My starter was a baby green salad with goat cheese, dried cherries, and a tangy vinaigrette of some kind - nothing too terrible. My main course was pomegranate-glazed roasted chicken breast with chestnut risotto - I had eaten so many mushrooms I had two or three bites of my chicken and about three quarters of my risotto. I was so full, I could barely sip down some water. Then, dessert: a chocolate torte with raspberry coulis. I won't even attempt to dance around the fact that I ate the entire torte, and it was a pretty decent size. Not to mention two additional pieces of bread with dinner and three glasses of wine.

I went home last night and didn't feel too terrible about the evening. My week has just started so I have plenty of time to get back on track for the week, and I do have my weekly points to dip into (all of which I assigned to the meal, in addition to the 16 points I had left for the day in the first place). I figured as long as I stuck to my daily points the rest of the week, went to the gym this morning and twice more before my weigh-in, and made it a point to go to my Pilates class on Sunday ... well ... I should be fine. I went to sleep feeling content with my rationalization, and decided to not think about it anymore, just be on point the rest of the week and it will all work out.

This morning I got to work. And I felt like a blob. I'm not sure if it was because I slept in a little late so I didn't have time to shower or because of my behavior last night at dinner, but whatever the reason I felt like I was just a puddle of goo morphing around my office. Earlier this week I found a box of Dunkin Donuts in the fridge, no doubt leftovers from a going away party that was held on Monday. All week I've seen them, and all week I've resisted them. This morning on my way to the bathroom, I glanced into the kitchen and said, "I wonder if they are still there." I went into the fridge and saw the box, and when I opened it, the only donut left was the one I'd been eyeing all week. Without even a moments hesitation I grabbed the box out of the fridge, snagged the donut, threw the box away, and devoured the frosted treat in a matter of seconds. I walked back to my desk, sat down, and all of a sudden, like a MALLET against my skull, it sunk it.

WTF was I doing!? I just ate SO much last night, and now, here I was, eating a DONUT for breakfast!?

The donut isn't even the worse problem. I went to the gym this morning, mainly so I could shower, and had yet another terrible work out. I ran for about three minutes before I decided to give up, then I got on the stair-master for, oh I don't know, maybe another three minutes. I went to my favorite arm machine and did one set of ten reps. And that was it. Off to the locker room to shower. The whole time I was "working out" I kept telling myself, "Today needs to be a good work out, you need to work off dinner and that donut!" But it didn't matter. I didn't want to. I HATE working out now. I went to my Pilates class on Wednesday, and I love it. But regular workouts in the gym have now become so tedious and monotonous that I don't even want to be a part of them anymore.

The bottom line: I'm scared.

As of Wednesday I am 151.8, just 1.9 pounds away from being in the 140s. But the thing is, I've been here before. Since I got down to my lowest weight of 148/149, I've gotten into the low 150s three times. And each and every time, I stopped, and gained all the weight back again. Like clockwork. It's almost like my body is rejecting the idea of losing any more weight. Or like my brain is wired in a way that makes me refuse to keep working. It's like ... this is all I've got.

I'm not happy at this weight. I'm not. I don't understand why tmy motivation to work out is completely gone. I don't understand why the donut that has plagued my thoughts all week finally won. I don't understand why I feel like all of a sudden I'm going to fail. I can't slip. I can't fall. I can't fail! This is too hard! I can't keep doing it! I HATE that I'm even writing another post like this. I had stupidly hoped that next week I'd break into the 140s. I'll be lucky if I even lose a pound at this point.

Ugh. I don't even want to write anymore. Sob sob sob. Woe is me. Just, ugh. I'm done.

I've been pulling some long-term weight-loss blogs (mostly written by people who have already lost all the weight they want to lose) and have been reading them from the beginning. Cover-to-cover so-to-speak. The first of these blogs I'm attempting to tackle is The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl. In a post I read today, she said something that really hit home:

In my mind I already feel like a skinny person. I just wish my body would catch up!

This is sort of how I've felt my entire life. Well, not my entire life.

When I was younger, elementary/middle school, even a little bit into high school, I had absolutely no confidence. No self esteem. Nothing. If you asked me my opinion of myself I would not give a favorable or positive response. Then towards the end of my junior year into my senior year, I'm not entirely sure what happened but somehow I became confident. I started feeling good about myself. I developed a quick wit, a charismatic charm, and a general aura about myself that screamed, "This is a girl who is comfortable in her own skin." And for the most part, that was true. Throughout college these feelings only grew stronger and stronger, until I became who I am today. Am I confident? Yes. Do I have good self esteem? Absolutely.

That is...

Until I look in the mirror. You see, if mirrors weren't ever invented I really believe I would be a fully, 100% confident person. I don't really think of myself as being fat. At any given moment, I don't really feel fat. In my mind, I believe I am a skinny person. I get dressed to go out and I feel pretty good most of the time. When I'm out at the bar, I can chat with new people and flirt with cute guys and be a very sparkling person to be around. But then I see my reflection in a mirror at the back of the bar, or walk past a clean window and see myself in it, or happen to linger just a little too long in the bathroom ... and then I remember. Oh yeah. I'm overweight.

In my mind, I'm already thin. I buy cloths a thin person would wear - and hope that one day I'll fit into them - because in my mind, I'm thin, I should already fit into them. I can only hope that someday soon these fantasies will be a reality, and I can finally be the thin girl I've always imagined in my mind.

Woohoo! Down 3.2 pounds! Although, more than likely I'm not down quite that much in one week. Last week I didn't technically weigh-in. I weighed-in on New Year's Eve at 153.1, and realistically I was most likely around the 153.something range on my actual weigh-in day last week. However, because I drank quite a bit on New Years and I had a mini-pig-out-session (nothing major) on Tuesday, I simply assumed that I had gained a little bit of weight - so I decided to say 155 just to be safe. If I had to take a stab in the dark, I'd say my real weight last week was 153.5 or so, giving me a 1.5 pound loss last week and a 1.7 pound loss this week. Either way, I'm 151.8 today, and that feels awesome!

I'm only 1.9 pounds away from a huge milestone. Seeing my weight in the 140s is something I've thought about for a long, long time. I briefly got down into the 140s during my first real success in weight-loss, back in September-December 2010. On New Year's Eve 2011 I was at my lowest adult weight ever, roughly 148/149 pounds. My moment of glory was incredibly brief, and before I knew it I was back into the 150s, soon to climb into the 160s, then the 170s, and finally landing back into the 180s by the following New Year (2012). This New Years I was in the low 150s, and next New Years I will be in the 120s!

It's kind of freaky to me, actually, to think that I could potentially reach this milestone NEXT WEEK!? I'm not anticipating that I will, 1.9 pounds is a pretty lofty goal, but at the same time, it's not completely out of the realm of possibility. In seven short days I could be walking around weighing in the 140s! That's a crazy, crazy thought. It's been over a year since I've felt that satisfaction, and I only felt it for a moment. If I'm this excited about the 140s, I don't even want to think about what I'll be like when I'm teetering the 130s! I'll be a BASKET CASE, hahaa.

Oh, and I got yet another badge! Yay me:

I've been doing a lot of thinking about weight loss lately. I mean, let's be fair, I think about it almost constantly, but lately I've been doing a lot more thinking about how people lose weight. Looking back on my weight loss journey, I have tried a lot of different methods. The two that stick out the most are Medifast and Weight Watchers. This post is probably going to sound like a bash against Medifast and a plug for Weight Watchers, but that's NOT what I'm intending. Just trying to get some thoughts down.

When I started doing Medifast back in 2010, it was like an answer to my prayers. I had tried to lose weight for so long, and now I finally found something that was working, and it was working fast. In three months I was down just shy of 30 pounds and I felt better than I ever had in my life. But as much as I loved Medifast (the results that is) ... I HATED it at the same time. I hated eating out of packets. I hated having to miss out on special events. I hated the food, towards the end that is - I just got sick of eating the same stuff over and over and over. And the irony of the whole thing is that after every stint with Medifast I always regained the weight. I tried three times. The first time I lost 30 pounds. I got cocky and thought I could do it on my own, and gained the 30 pounds back. The second time I only lost 15 pounds before I got sick of the food, and shortly after I was back up again. Then the third time, I lost 25 pounds, and although I only gained 5 of those pounds back, still - I gained back.

I'm not saying that now that I'm doing Weight Watchers I will never gain the weight back, but I think the reason I gained all the weight back before is because Medifast didn't teach me anything. The thing is, I don't really have to learn anything. I know how to eat. I've read so many meal plans and nutrition journals and food blogs that I could probably publish a best-seller on how to eat right. So it's not really that Medifast didn't teach me anything ... Medifast never made me use my knowledge. I was eating what they were telling me to eat. I was eating five of their little packets, and one meal of a limited meat and vegetable. Of COURSE I got sick of their food. I was eating the same things, over and over again. It was so hard for me to go out to eat with friends - I couldn't have bread, or dairy, or FRUIT. I couldn't even have a glass of wine with dinner. I couldn't do anything! Yes, it worked. But it was so restricting, so tedious, and so not right for me. I tried it three times, and I failed three times.

Now, on Weight Watchers, I don't see myself failing. I may slip up here and there, and I have, and I will again. I'm human. It happens. But the difference this time is I don't feel deprived. On any normal day I don't feel like I'm on a diet. Sure, there are times I have to stop myself from doing something - like if someone at work brings in donuts, or if a friend suggests we go get pizza instead of going to a restaurant with more options. But, even if I decide to have that cake, or go for that pizza, it's not the end of the world.

I can't tell you how many times on Medifast I went to a party or a BBQ or a social event of any kind and I couldn't eat or drink anything because NOTHING was on their limited plan. I can't tell you how many times I was invited to brunch, or to a benefit, or to some other function and I simply didn't go because I knew there would be nothing for me to eat. That's not living. Sure, the weight came off, but it went right back on! Because I was FINALLY able to eat the things I wanted it eat. Finally I was able to go to those events and indulge, and because it had been so long since I'd indulged, I over-indulged. And boom. Back to 185 pounds.

I'm really confident that this time things are different. Yes, the weight is coming off slower, but it's coming off! I'm down 10.4 pounds! And I'm eating food that will stick with me forever! Turkey, low fat cheese, yogurt, whole grains, fruit, vegetables, sensible portions of desserts. I'm really engraving the concept of balance and moderation. I'm molding the way I used to eat into a way of eating that will help me maintain my weight forever. I really do believe that. I really do believe this time is different. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's slow. And yes, I just want it to be over - but you know what? It will be. Before I even know it. One day I'll wake up, look in the mirror, and not even recognize myself. And I'm getting there... one pound at a time!

I have been a fan of Walden Farms products for quite a while, ever since I started my first round of Medifast back in September 2010. The very idea of condiments with no calories, no fat, no carbs, no gluten, no sugars, no ... anything basically ... has always been incredible to me. Over the years I've sampled several products of theirs, including their peanut butter, mayonnaise, chocolate syrup, but have taken heavy advantage of their salad dressings and pancake syrup in particular. Recently I decided I wanted to sample a few of their other products, so I made a rather large order. I decided the first to sample would be their caramel dip. I've been eating a lot of apples recently, and the other day I had an amazing idea! What if I took my 0-point apples and dipped them into delicious caramel dip, but not just any caramel dip, 0-point caramel dip!

I was slightly skeptical before dipping my fruit into the jar. Although I am quite a fan of a good handful of their products, others I've tasted have been somewhat questionable, and the idea that they could take all of the calories, fat, carbs, etc. out of something as sweet as caramel made me a little nervous about the taste-test results. This was either going to be amazing - the best thing I've ever tasted - or horrendous - a terrible, awful mistake. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and lowered my apple slice into the creamy mixture below. It looked like caramel dip. It smelled like caramel dip. And - as surprising as it was - it TASTED like caramel dip! Delicious, sweet, wonderful caramel dip!

• Each serving contains zero calories, zero fat, zero carbs, and zero sugars - meaning zero points!
• Each serving is gluten-free, allowing this dip to fit into any food lifestyle.
• This dip does not contain any artificial flavorings or colorings - all natural!
• The jar does not need to be refrigerated until after it is opened, allowing you to stock up!
• It's completely delicious, and can doctor up a wide-variety of foods.

I think it's all too obvious that my goals for December did not work out exactly as planned. I didn't try any new recipes, let alone one a week. I definitely did not work out four times a week; in fact, the last couple weeks I haven't worked out at all, aside from when I went to Pilates last Wednesday. And I did not reach the 140s by New Year's Eve. Looking back I know it was a bit cocky of me to throw out goals during one of the most difficult weight-loss months in the year. But, you live and learn. Time to move forward and hopefully set some goals I can stick with. So, here goes!

Now, I have to be honest about something. I didn't weigh-in this week, and actually this post is being written on Thursday, January 3, NOT Wednesday, January 2. Essentially I'm adding in this entry for the pure sake of consistency. Why did I choose to keep my weigh-in at 155? On Monday, I weighed-in at 153.1, so what made me choose to up my weight rather than simply use 153.1 as my official weigh-in number?

The plain and simple reason is that I'm pretty sure I gained a little bit of weight in the last few days. My friend was in from Michigan and even though I had a plan it was very difficult to stick with and it simply fell through the cracks. I didn't track any food Monday through Wednesday and spent very little time worrying about it. Although my friend was actually the one who was on vacation, I was very much living a vacation lifestyle for a few days. We spent the majority of time away from my apartment, so cooking wasn't an option. To be honest, I expected to pig out with her every single night, and we only really did once - so I consider the "trip" a success. At the end of the day I don't have any regrets, and I think it's because these last couple of days tied into the "special event" category I talked about in my last post. Looking back, if given another chance, I know I wouldn't have done anything differently.

Back to the weigh-in. Even though I don't know for sure I'm back at 155, I'm comfortable with that number as a pretty safe assumption. If next week I have a massive drop then I'll know I was a bit off, but I think I'm close enough in the ball park that next week will throw out a typical number. I don't really have anything else to say as I'm not really sure where I'm at, but I'm confident going into this week and I know that now that the distractions of the holidays are done and over with I can get back to being focused and start inching my way to goal!