About an hour ago I got back from my trip to Michigan for Thanksgiving, which explains my lack of posts the last few days. As usual I spent most of my time in the mitten with my mom. I was especially looking forward to this during this particular trip because she is also doing Weight Watchers now and it would be a great support system. We knew we wanted to have some freedom with Thanksgiving, but still wanted to keep within our points. Our menu stayed true to the items we normally ate, and consisted of Cornish Hens, mashed cauliflower, a stir-fry of broccoli, mushrooms, and onions, my mom's famous stuffing, and pumpkin bread for dessert. The hens were removed of their skin and had no marinade or coating. The mashed cauliflower was the traditional, on-point recipe. The veggie stir-fry had no sauces or seasonings, other than a little garlic. We lightened up my mom's stuffing by using turkey sausage, cutting the almond and cherry count in half, and, of course, had smaller portion sizes than any other year. The pumpkin bread was removed of its icing, and was the one indulgence of the day. Appetizers consisted of a veggie tray, midget pickles, and deviled eggs (made with light Miracle Whip). Overall, we did pretty well! ... However, Thanksgiving was not my worst day of the weekend.

Yesterday was an awful, terrible day. The day started off fine with a 6-point breakfast including my mom's version of an Egg-McMuffin (whole-wheat sandwich thin, poached egg whites, low fat cheese, and turkey ham) and a banana. However, my first mistake of the day shortly followed. My aunt is a hairstylist and has done my hair my whole life. The perks of this, of course, are endless, however it comes with some downfalls - including open entrance to the kitchen. I stepped back there to grab something to drink, and saw a box of Krispy Kremes sitting on the counter. I knew I shouldn't have stepped over to them, but before I knew it, a glazed creation was making its way down my throat. And then another. Two. Two glazed Krispy Kreme donuts. Well, the day just got worse from there. It's routine that after my aunt does my hair we grab lunch, so we stepped over to the diner directly connected to her salon. If a turkey pita with Swiss wasn't bad enough, I added a side of fries [with ranch] to my plate. After that, I headed over to my dad's house to watch Avatar on his new blu-ray and HD-TV. The movie was accompanied by a bowl of pistachios, buttered popcorn, and pizza Bagel Bites. To top off my day, I spent the rest of the evening with a good friend, who also participates in some of the recreational activities I do. After a quick smoke it was off to the corner store to "pay our respects" to Hostess, by purchasing a catastrophic amount of pastries. I alone ate a honey bun, a package of mini chocolate donuts, four cinnamon sweet rolls, and a random [non-Hostess] carrot cake. Don't even think about what the points for this part of my day alone was, or it will make you cry.

The thing is, I didn't - cry that is. I really didn't even feel bad. I still don't. I'm disappointed in myself for going so far above and beyond what I should have, but I don't necessarily regret my actions. My entire mentality changes when I go to Michigan, it always has. I realized about a year ago why I could never lose weight and keep it off while I was still living there. My mentality while in that state is just terrible. Now, even though I don't live there anymore, whenever I visit it's like I get into "vacation mode." Not only do I not care about what I eat, but I don't even care that I don't care! It's like I feel almost privileged - that anything I consume won't count towards my waste-line - because I'm in Michigan. It's so stupid! But it's constant. It's like a dark cloud that hangs over my head, preventing me from making the right choices even when I know I have no excuse not to.

But, even worse than my being-in-Michigan mentality, is my I-already-messed-up-today mentality. This is something I need, need, NEED to break! It's been a challenge for me with every single diet I've ever attempted, every weight-loss program, every single time. When I mess up, even if just a little bit, I think to myself, "Well, today is already ruined. Might as well enjoy it." And you know what - it's that attitude that's probably kept me fat. Think about it - if I hadn't done that all those times, how much thinner would I be right now? How much more weight would I have already lost? Maybe I'd be done! Or at least close. It's like I'm so prone to self-sabotage I can't see the bigger picture. Yes, eating those Krispy Kremes did ruin my day yesterday, but continuing to eat like that the rest of the day ruined my entire week! Why in God's name did I think it would be a good idea to indulge in that type of behavior? What did I think I was going to accomplish!

The only good thing that came from the weekend (aside from buying a Christmas tree for my apartment) was that I was finally able to try some Greek yogurt, which I'll write about soon. Today I at least was able to control myself a little better than yesterday. I had my mom's Egg McMuffin for breakfast, a turkey breast and black forest ham Subway sandwich for lunch, and some carrots and dip while my mom and I were taking down my Christmas tree (which we put up Friday night to make sure I had enough decorations). During my drive back to the city I actually contemplated picking up some Taco Bell! Yes, I was hungry, but did I really need Taco Bell!? Fortunately the location I found off the freeway didn't have a drive-thru and my laziness forced me to make the good choice to pass on the greasy gordita that was once in my future. Once I got back to my apartment and unpacked everything, my appetite was gone. Plus, I looked back on my behavior the last few days, shook my head, and had no desire to eat anything. Not only did I fall completely off the wagon yesterday, but not a single speck of food was tracked the entire time I was in Michigan - not even on the days I stayed on plan!

I need to get this done. I can't keep making excuses. I can't keep telling myself it's okay to slip up. I can't keep falling apart and losing my grip. If I make a mistake, I need to deal with it! I can't just add more mistakes onto the pile in hopes that my first initial mistake will go unnoticed. I HATE being fat. I hate it! I don't think I've ever hated anything more in my entire life. This constant feeling of being a blob - it got old, long ago. I'm 25 years old! These are supposed to be the best years of my life! I'm supposed to be going out and living it up in the city and meeting people and enjoying my youth - not hiding in my apartment wishing I had lost weight in high school. If I keep this up, I'll be hiding in my apartment wishing I had lost weight in my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. My mom has yo-yo dieted her entire life. I don't want to do that! I don't want my weight to be a burden anymore. I don't want every New Year's resolution to be to lose 10, 20, 30 pounds. Enough is enough! I need to break down this crappy mentality, once and for freaking all!