Last night was not a successful evening, in regards to food choices. Two of my friends and I decided to have a girls-night dinner at a pub down the street from my apartment. When we got there, we decided to take advantage of the half-off-bottles-of-wine special with a bottle of Pinot Grigio. As our glasses were filled and our menus were studied, I decided not to be a huge stickler on points seeing as it was the end of my first week and I still had many of my weekly points remaining. I ordered a club sandwich and toasted with my friends to a fun night.

Well, a fun night we had! Before I knew it we had not only finished off the first bottle, but were starting in on our second. My sandwich, which I thought would arrive unaccompanied, was presented to me amongst a bed of french fries. In my wine haze I scoffed off my better judgements and carelessly ate every single fry. By the end of the night, after several additional mind-altering indulgences, I found myself elbow-deep in a bag of Hostess chocolate donuts... and a honey bun... and two cinnamon rolls. And if all that wasn't bad enough, while driving one of my friends home, my other friend and I stopped at McDonalds. I arrived back at my apartment a little after midnight, and at this point I started returning to reality. I had clarity for no more than a few moments before I felt defeated and weak, and decided to escape under my satin sheets.

This morning I woke up, hoping to have slept off my demons from the night before, only to find myself even more upset and angry than I was when I went to sleep. As I got ready for work I could feel every nerve in my body tense up and my eyes start to fill with tears. How could I do that to myself? I had done so well all week, accounting every single morsel of food that entered my mouth, only to completely destroy it - and then some. I literally felt sick to my stomach - how could I not be after what I had eaten! I felt ridiculous packing my lunch - what was the point? Wasn't I just going to murder my own attempts in a few days anyway!? I honestly don't think I've ever been so angry at or disappointed in myself. I've cheated on diets before, many times, but not this soon into one. And not to this extent. I could barely look at myself in the mirror.

When I got to work I sat at my desk confused. My routine this whole week has been coming in, checking any voicemails and my email, taking care of some quick touch-base items (accompanied by my Weight-Watchers-friendly breakfast), and then heading right off to the gym no later than 10:00. But today? It felt like it would be a charade, besides the fact that I wasn't hungry and felt too nauseous to even think about working out. I grabbed my water bottle and chugged - I had already downed a huge glass back at home, plus another bottle on the transit ride into work. I considered fasting for the day, just drinking water and eating some fruit or vegetables if I got really hungry, but the idea left as quickly as it arrived. Solving an extreme action with an extreme action seemed counterproductive, plus even if I starved myself for the day I'd in no way clean up the mess I'd made the night before. My head was spinning out of control. I didn't know what to do.

So.

I went to the gym. Well, no, first I sulked. I cowered at my desk. I felt sorry for myself. I felt angry with myself. But then I took a deep breath. I'm not sure what finally gave me the push to get up and grab my gym bag, but before I knew it I was on the elliptical. I was nervous at first because I had felt so nauseous all morning, but the moment I stepped on the machine for whatever reason I instantly felt better. I decided I would take the work out easy, go a little slower than I normally do, but as time passed I ended up doing the same time and speed intervals that I normally do. And what was even more surprising is that the work out was actually easier than the others I've done. I wasn't as out of breath, I wasn't as tired, I didn't have to stop for drinks as often. It was like the work-out gods were granting me grace for making a good decision.

I got back to my desk and I felt a million times better. I felt strong and powerful. I felt in control again. Yes, I still felt horrible about the choices I'd made the night before, but those choices are gone - they are done with - and I was able to make the right decision today. And that's when I realized it. That's what I need to do from now on. Slip-ups will happen. They will, there's no way around them. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. This journey will not be completed without a few stones and pebbles in the road. I will fall, many times, as I've had before. The difference: now I will get back up. Usually when I make a mistake with dieting I shrug my shoulders and move past it. This time I felt sick, mentally and physically sick. Maybe that means this time things will be different. Maybe this time I will finally finish what I've started!