Drum roll please... Well, we know I didn't hit the goal I was hoping to hit, but the verdict is in:


The bad news first, let's just get that out of the way. I'm 3.2 pounds heavier than I was hoping to be on this day. The really crappy part about it is even though it was a lofty goal, if I hadn't gained two weeks ago I probably would have made it. In fact I'm almost certain I would have. If I had stayed the same from the previous week (153.6), I would have lost one pound the next week (152.6) and then the 1.9 pounds I've lost so far this week. That would have brought me to 150.7 - and honestly, I could have definitely lost .8 pounds that week. But instead, I gained 2.4 pounds. My own fault, and I know that. It's just kind of of crappy realization. Casting that as a goal was sort of reaching a bit high, and had I not slipped up that week I would have made it. It would have been a really nice motivation getting me into the new year.

Now, the good news. I've lost 1.9 pounds so far this week, and I still have two days to go. I'm really proud of that, for many reasons actually. There were quite a number of times this past week I thought to myself, "You know what, there's only a few days left this year; why don't you enjoy them - go get some McDonald's, have an extra Skinny Cow, go pick up some donuts!" and not once have I cheated - I've actually only used 3 of my weekly points so far. So, I guess I'll use that as my new years motivation.

I still have to keep remembering that last New Year's Eve I weighed 182.8. I'm only .3 pounds off from being 30 POUNDS LIGHTER this year. And that's a really good feeling. No, I didn't hit my goal of being in the 140s, and no, I haven't done as well as I wanted to do during my run with Weight Watchers so far - but you know what, I've still made some really good progress this year. 30 pounds! Gone! Forever! That feels pretty damn good. I still have a long way to go (28.1 pounds to be exact) but I'm definitely on my way.

All this is fine and dandy - but then there is the added challenge I will have these next few days. One of my closest friends is flying down to the city for New Year's Eve and she will be staying until Thursday morning. I love this friend dearly, but our relationship is heavily based on food. She is a big girl, I'd pin her somewhere in the 250s or so, and although I never weighed more than the mid-180s our bond over eating is definitely something we've shared over the years. She doesn't make me do anything, and I can only remember once or twice that she even attempted to sway my decision-making, it's just that when I'm around her I for whatever reason just make poor choices. Maybe subconsciously I'm thinking, "Well, hey, I'm not as big as she is, so I have some room to spare," but I don't really think that's the case. I don't really ever look at her as a big girl, as in I don't really consciously recognize that she is bigger than me. Maybe sometimes, like when we go shopping or when we are getting ready to go out, but ironically - not when we eat. When we eat I am usually the one who over-does it. She'll over-eat, sure, but I just blow it out of the water. For example, during my last slip-up, when we decided to get Tim Horton's and Happy's Pizza, she had 3 donuts - I had 4, and a bite of hers, and she had 4 pieces of pizza, and I had six. I always tend to eat more than she does, so I never really think of her as big when we are together. TANGENT! The point is, I don't think I'm subconsciously thinking that. So I don't really know what it is, but as my example shows, I always over-eat when I'm with her.

Due to being completely broke, she and I will be cooking most of our meals at my apartment. I've agreed to take her to this famous breakfast place called The Bongo Room as well as take a trip to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I've looked up the menu for The Bongo Room (as I've never been there) and will most likely order a fruit plate and scrambled egg whites. The eggs come with potatoes and toast, both of which I will only eat half - I hope. So, I'm going to throw a out a guess of around 9 points for breakfast. As for The Cheesecake Factory, I will order something off the Skinnylicious menu (which still isn't that great) and I will pin that meal at around 13 points. We won't be going to both places on the same day, so I think I can balance out enough on the other meals each day to still stay within my points.

Tonight is New Year's Eve, of course, and I'm not even going to worry about counting points for the booze I'm going to drink. The way I see it, even if I take the time to count, I'm not going to care about going over. It's New Year's Eve, it's not some random Saturday. It's this sort of thing that kind of ties in to the realization I had a few weeks ago. In order to make my weight-loss something that will stick with me long term, it's all about finding the balance in life. I don't remember where I read this, but someone wrote an article about an eating cycle [when maintaining your weight] of 4-2-1: four days out of the week you are spot on and eat everything 100% on plan, whatever the plan may be; two days out of the week you are a little less strict but still stay close to your plan; and one day out of the week is your free day, within reason of course. In that same article, the writer discusses special events, in the sense that if you are out to dinner or at a function or anything along those lines, consider the event: is it a random evening with your friends, or is it someone's birthday? Did someone bring donuts into work on a random Wednesday, or is it your company's annual picnic? Those types of things. If it's just a random, ordinary day, behave. Don't over-do it. If it's a special event, go ahead a splurge a little bit. Well, tonight is my spurge!

I've taken half days at work the last two days due to being slightly sick, in addition to not having a whole lot to doing being that everyone I support is on vacation. My boss was going to let me leave early again today, but since I have to leave early on Monday to pick up a friend from the airport I decided to at least try to make it to 3:00 or 4:00, which I've almost succeeded (as opposed to leaving a noon as I've done the past two days). ANYWAY. To keep myself busy I've been paroozing some weight-loss blogs and stumbled upon something that literally screamed my name - screamed my name in the sense that I could have written it.

In a post Lyn from Escape from Obesity wrote:

I lived in that "diet cycle" for years and years... I would count my calories and measure my food... all morning and then something would trigger me to throw it out the window so I could eat xyz and "start over tomorrow." And I start-over-tomorrowed myself... for the better part of a decade. Not a good thing, any way you look at it. SO many people are caught in the same cycle. You want to lose weight, but *in the moment* you want potato chips more, so you eat the chips because you can start over tomorrow. Or worse, you eat the chips and then, since you are starting over tomorrow, you hurry and eat all the other things you want - like cake and ice cream and fried chicken - because when you start over tomorrow you won't be able to have it... But then tomorrow goes the same way, and the next day does too, and it all melds together into one big off-plan eating festival with a sprinkle of dieting on top. Only, this festival does not bring you joy. It just makes you sad.

That. That has been my life. For years. Since I was 14 and first tried to start losing weight. Now, eleven years later, here I am. STILL trying to lose weight. STILL trying to break "the cycle" - still. ELEVEN years later. It's true, I'm at the lowest weight I've ever maintained in my entire adult life, and I'm only about 5 pounds shy from my lowest adult weight ever, but it doesn't soften the blow that if I had just gotten this done when I was 14, or 16, or 21, or 23 even - I would be done now.

What Lyn said rings very true to me. I can't even count how many times I've pulled the "well, today is already screwed up, might as well enjoy it" or the "I'm going to eat this right now because tomorrow I can't have it" cards. Way too many times for me to even pretend to count. And what's even crazier than the acts themselves is that I always felt completely justified in doing them. I did. Each time. It made perfect sense to me to indulge in an extra dessert, or an extra menu item, or an extra whatever it was because the following day, those food items would be omitted from my spectrum of consumption. It made perfect sense to me to overeat for the remainder of an "already screwed up day" because, hey, it was already screwed up.

Now, when I think about it - was I CRAZY!?

Of COURSE it doesn't make sense! If you're not supposed to eat it tomorrow, why the hell is it okay for you to eat it today!? If you've already screwed up once in a day, why screw up more!? Not to sound too valley girl about it, but, like, seriously!? I am literally shaking my head at the very thought of it. And the ridiculous thing is: I've done this FOR YEARS!

I am very confident that once the new year hits I will have new motivation and an extra fire in my belly (no pun intended) to get this done once and for all. The last month especially has been difficult, with the holidays and going back and forth to Michigan every other weekend. I know for a fact that staying in Chicago for an extended period of time will be a HUGE help in and of itself, not to mention the extra boost with the new year. This week has been good so far. True it's only been a couple days, but I already avoided a few temptations: I really wanted to stop and grab fast food on Wednesday when I was running some errands, and today, all day long, the woman who sits in the desk next to me has had a birthday cake, just sitting there - and I haven't gotten a piece.

I think I just really need to keep Lyn's words in my head each time I try to give myself that phony justification. Because that's all it is ... phony. You can talk your way out of anything, but your body won't let you lie. And mine sure hasn't. It tells the truth about every single thing I've ever put into my mouth, every single day I talked myself out of a workout, every single moment of weakness and bad decision I've ever made - it's all right there, out in the open, no where to hide. And you can't talk yourself out of that.

Time to break the cycle - once and for all!

I apparently lied in my last post when I said I was going to take a break from blogging for the remainder of the year. I'm not sure if I'll blog much for the remainder of the year, but I at least wanted to talk about this.

Last night I had my first Pilates class. I was kinda nervous going into it. I sat on my couch waiting to head downstairs (the studio is right downstairs and around the corner from my apartment, about a two minute walk) and so many thoughts were circling in my head - mainly just one thought: "God, I hope I'm not the fattest one there." Such a petty fear, I realize this, but it did make me a little apprehensive. The class was small, only four of us and the instructor - presumably due to it being a holiday week - and yes, I was in fact the fattest one there. The three other women who were attending the class have obviously all been taking Pilates for quite some time. All of them were a bit older - I'd peg the youngest in her late 30s and the other two in their 40s - but they had great bodies. The younger of the three was a little bit bigger, around my size but definitely a lot more toned.

Throughout the workout there were definitely moments I felt a little out of my league. The instructor was well aware that this was my first class and she definitely gave me a little extra attention, making sure I was doing the movements right and all that. Being that the class was so small I didn't mind her singling me out - normally I would have hated it - but it actually was okay. For the most part she didn't have to alter my movements at all. I can only remember one time when she really had to adjust me. The other two or three times she just had to mention something to me and I made the adjustments myself. After the work out she told me I did a really good job - it was one of those moments, though, where I questioned if I had actually done a good job or if she was just saying that to be motivating. There were one or two exercises that were pretty difficult where I could definitely feel things in my body at work, but not the majority, which makes me wonder how many of the movements I was actually doing correctly. I'm sure once I get more familiar with the class and the movements and whatnot I'll start to feel more confident in what I'm doing.

This morning when I woke up I expected to be a little sore, but the only spot I really feel sore is around my rib cage. I'm hoping the more I keep going, the more I'll get out of the exercises, and the more sore I'll become. I love being sore from a work out. It makes me feel like I really accomplished something. Nothing worse than busting your butt and then feeling like you didn't get anything done. Another thing about the class that makes me a little worried is that I didn't feel tired. I wasn't terribly out of breath at any point in the work out and I didn't sweat. I realize that Pilates are not really cardio, but I dunno - I guess I'm just used to sweating. I'm hoping ... really REALLY hoping ... that I'll get the results I want. I've mapped out my Pilates classes for January - three times a week each week. I have 10 classes with the program I purchased, and they offer a free class every Sunday, so I'm scheduled out for the next five weeks. At the end of the five weeks I'm going to evaluate and see if it's worth continuing or not. Either way I'm going to stick to these 15 (now 14) classes and make the most out of them!

First thing's first: I'm down a pound. I'm actually okay with that, and I'll explain why in a minute. Next item on the agenda: obviously I did not blog at least once a day as I'd previously decided. The fact of the matter is I simply didn't have time. A busy couple of days at work coupled with driving to Michigan for the holiday weekend simply ate up all of my time. However, even without blogging I was able to do very well, for the most part... Now, back to the reason why I'm okay with just one pound lost. As I said, I ate very well this last week every day, almost. Sunday night was the exception. I did NOT eat well Sunday night. I'm not going to get into the gritty details, but let's just say obscene amounts of donuts and pizza were involved. Needless to say, a one-pound loss actually feels pretty decent considering how off track I got that night.

I've made a decision over the last couple of days that I think will help me get back on track without losing my mind. The fact of the matter is, the holidays are hard! Most people gain weight during the holidays, so to even maintain your weight should be considered a success. Since I started Weight Watchers I've lost 7.2 pounds. Is that how much I wanted to lose? No, absolutely not. BUT, this 7.2 pounds was lost during the two most difficult weight-loss months of the year: November and December - smack dab in the middle of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. So, at the end of the day I have to be proud of myself. On the other hand, the main reasons of my not losing as much as I would have liked are not necessarily reasons related to the holidays, and these are things I will need to work on. So, here is my new plan...

Obviously I will not be reaching my goal of being in the 140s by New Years Eve - even if I worked out every single day and ate perfectly there is no way I'll be able to lose 5.1 pounds in one week. So, my new goal for the remainder of 2012 is to NOT GAIN! If I can start 2013 at a solid 155 pounds, or less, then I will be happy. That will give me a solid 30 pounds to lose in four months - 17 weeks to be exact, which works out to be about 1.76 pounds per week. Is this a lofty goal? Absolutely, and to be honest I may not be able to do it. However, with that being said, it is possible. It's not terribly off the wall or completely out of reach. It's difficult, yes, but realistic at the same time.

I'm going to take a conscious break from blogging for the remainder of 2012. I have a friend coming in on Monday for New Years Eve and she will be staying until Thursday morning. These are going to be difficult days, so I will be preparing myself by staying 100% on plan from now until she lands Monday afternoon. I went to the gym this morning for a very quick run, as I will do tomorrow and Friday as well. I also am starting my Pilates classes tonight, and will be also going tomorrow night and Sunday night as well. Once she gets in Monday I'm going to make smart choices, but I'm not going to worry about tracking or counting points. I'm just going to eat reasonably and, again, try not to gain.

Wednesday morning I will weigh-in (although I probably won't blog my results until Thursday at work). I am hoping I will be able to at the very least maintain my current weight of 155 and start the new year off with new motivation. The fact is, I know once New Year's Eve has come and gone I will find a new fire inside me. Right now, I'm just kind of beat up. 2012 was not a good year for me, for many reasons, and although I'm not completely happy with the progress I've made, I have to think about one thing:

Last New Year's Eve (January 3rd to be exact) I weighed 182.8 pounds. This New Year's Eve, I will be almost 30 pounds lighter. And that's a good feeling. Maybe I've struggled these last couple of months, but I have made progress. And I need to start realizing that. I need to start focusing on the changes I have made, and not focus so strongly on the changes I still want to make. Bottom line: I know I'll get there. Maybe not by May 1. Maybe by May 31, or sometime in June. But I will get there. I will be 125 pounds in time to enjoy the summer.

Yepp. +2.4 pounds. I'm not surprised. At all. And to be honest, I've had this coming for weeks now. There have been several weeks I've cheated in one way or another and I really didn't pay a big price. So, I'm paying for it now. To be honest, I'm okay with it. I think I needed it actually.

The past few weeks I've been skating by on luck. I'm stilled stunned about losing during a few of those weeks. This gain has been due for quite some time now. And the fact of the matter is, I think if it hadn't come I would have continued to keep walking down the path I've been on: eating terribly, not working out, and still hoping for good results. I've been lucky; now, reality has finally caught up with me.

I've been on Weight Watcher's for six weeks now, and I've only lost 6.2 pounds. That's barely a pound a week. I could sit here and put my positive twist on it and say, "Hey, it's 6.2 pounds off my body," but the fact of the matter is I'm not proud of that. Six weeks in? I should not be down ONLY 6.2 pounds!

I can do it. I know I can. I KNOW I can. There isn't even an ounce of doubt in my body. So then WHY has it been so difficult for me?

The holidays? Maybe.
Distractions at work? Definitely.
Self sabotage? ... Hmm.

No, I don't think that's it. I think it's as simple as I just haven't cared. I've been so worried about looking cute at work because of my crush that I haven't come into work dirty in order to push me to go to the gym. I've been so lazy about grocery shopping and cooking, and so complacent about what I eat in general. Ugh. I dunno. I'm mad at myself, that's for DAMN sure!

BUT. What's done is done. Today I went to the gym. First time in over two weeks. Was it the greatest work out? No. But it was a work out none the least. I've also decided I'm going to sign up for Pilates classes. There is a studio right downstairs from my apartment. Today on the way home from work I'm going to stop in and figure out what would be the best for me. They have classes Wednesday and Thursday night and Saturday and Sunday morning, and they also have a free class every Sunday evening. I'm DEFINITELY going to be participating in the free Sunday classes from now on (except this weekend, obviously, as I will be in Michigan). I'm going to make sure I do EVERY Wednesday AND EVERY Thursday, that way if I decide I want to sleep in on the weekends I'll still have three classes a week under my belt.

So, I guess I have a new plan.

• I'm going to start taking Pilates classes 3-5 times a week (3 MINIMUM).
• I'm going to go to the gym EVERY DAY - weights daily, cardio Tuesdays and Thursdays.
• I'm never going to eat into my weekly points unless I'm out for a meal or there's a special event.
• I'm going to keep a pack of gum in my purse, in my desk, and in my coffee table at all times!
• I'm going to blog at least once a day.

Yesterday I didn't have the best day at work. Even though I know I was/am over-reacting about the situation, it still did not make me feel good. Essentially, without going into much detail, the situation got me thinking about my age. To those I work with, I'm young. I'm 25. That's young. To me. I'm not so young anymore.

Next August I will be turning 26. I will no longer be in my early-twenties. And, depending on who you talk to, I will no longer be in my mid-twenties. Next August, I will have four more years of my twenties. Then I'll be 30. Four years. That's it. Just four. That's nothing. It's not that I'm saying 30 is by any means "old" or that I will not longer be able to enjoy my "youth" - but the idea of being fat even a second longer in my twenties is haunting me.

My mom and I had a discussion while I was home last weekend about plastic surgery. Some how the subject came up, and at the end of it my mom confessed to me she supported the idea of me getting some work done once I reach my goal weight. The fact of the matter is I've always hated my boobs. My family has great genes, but in some areas ... not so much. One of these areas would be the muscles in our chest. They have absolutely NO definition, even after countless chest presses. So, my boobs have always been far from perky, and throughout my life I've always thought about having a lift. However, as more and more pounds come off, they are beginning to deflate, so, at this point, the idea of getting small implants may actually be something I would consider. My mom also recommended a tummy tuck. She had one after I was born and loved the results. When I mentioned this to my coworker, she suggested I also look into SmartLipo. She said I probably won't really need an actual tummy tuck, and that the SmartLipo procedure may get me the results I want at a much lower cost. So, bottom line? When I reach 125 pounds, maybe even 130, I will be having my boobs done and some procedure to flatten my stomach. I'll finally have the body I've always wanted!

But.

That won't happen if I don't STOP! Stop what?

I'm going to gain wait this week. After a few slippery days I decided to weigh in a bit early. I stepped on the scale yesterday at 155.4 and today at 155.0 - even with the .4 pound loss from yesterday to today, I'm still up 1.4 pounds from last Wednesday. There's NO way I will lose that much weight by tomorrow. I'm not even going to hope for it. At this point I'll be happy to weigh-in at 154.something - and happy is a very loose term. Why did I have slippery days? I don't know. Last Wednesday we had a holiday potluck at work. I didn't eat terrible, but I did have a few things I shouldn't have. So I took all of my weekly points and put them in for Wednesday, just to be safe, and decided to carry on with the rest of the week with no more than my daily allotment. That didn't work. Thursday was fine, even Friday was okay. But Saturday came and Saturday blew everything up out of the water. Saturday was enough. I went to a party. Enough said.

I can't keep doing this. I can't keep rationalizing these mistakes with my food intake. I can't keep justifying the reasons why I'm not working out anymore. I can't keep making excuses. I just can't! I am SO sick of feeling this way. And what's worse, I'm SO sick of being SO sick of feeling this way! There's just no reason for it at this point. At this point, I'm just being ridiculous.

There is a direct correlation between how often I blog and how well I'm doing with the program. No posts this week = crappy, CRAPPY weight [gain] loss. Tomorrow starts a new week. And this week will be a good week. Pardon my French, but FUCK Christmas. FUCK the fact that I'm going to Michigan this weekend. FUCK it! NONE of that matters damn it!


What I want, what I need, the goals I've set for ME! ... I am the only one who controls what I eat or don't eat. I am the only one who can decide whether or not I go to the gym, or get on the treadmill at my mom's house over the holiday weekend. I am the ONLY one who can get this done!

Next August I will be turning 26. I will no longer be in my early-twenties. And, depending on who you talk to, I will no longer be in my mid-twenties. Next August, I will have four more years of my twenties. And you know what damn it - I WILL BE THIN! I will be the person I want to be!

This is going to be my last bad week. If I gain from this point on, it's just my body working out it's own issues. I am going to eat right. I am going to get to the gym. I am going to get back into the habit of blogging and holding myself accountable. I want to finish this!!!

Down 1.6 pounds! I'll definitely take it this week. I look back on the last week and I'm actually really surprised by that number. I drank [a lot] Wednesday night, I had McDonald's on Friday, Coney Island on Saturday, Taco Bell on Sunday, and I didn't work out one single time! I'm not saying I'm going to make this behavior habit, but it's nice to know that I was able to balance out my food intake enough to offset my few indulgences. Kinda makes me feel like I'll be able to keep the weight off once I'm finally done.

Time to check in with my first mini goal of being in the 140s by New Year's Eve. Two weeks in and I am definitely ahead of schedule. Here were my original targets to hit altered with my actual weigh-ins:

Dec 05: 156.4 - 155.2
Dec 12: 154.6 - 153.6
Dec 19: 152.7
Dec 26: 150.9

So, here are my new targets for the next two weeks:

Dec 19: 152.2
Dec 26: 150.8

1.4 pounds a week, and .9 pounds between December 26 and December 31. I really, really hope I can do it. It looks good, but it's still a little too close to tell. Either way, no matter the results, I decided this morning I'm going to be pleased with whatever I weight come New Year's Eve. Even if I'm a little shy of being in the 140s, I'll still be better of than I was, or even am now.

I guess my point is that I'm starting to become content with the idea of "the big picture" in the sense that it really doesn't matter when I finish, it just matters if I finish. I still have very strong hopes to lose all the weight I want to lose by the beginning of May, but if I don't and I still have a few pounds left to go, then so be it! The point is I'll have made progress in the right direction, and as long as I keep doing that then eventually I will cross that finish line!

No, I am not dead, and no, I did not abandon this blog. The last week has just been crazy busy! Without going into much detail (as most of it is not necessarily weight-loss related) this is why I have been missing in action the last [almost] week.

Last Wednesday was my company's Christmas party, and those who know me in real life knew I was planning on using the event as a catalyst to get better acquainted with a certain male coworker of mine. My plan worked. We really hit it off and chatted pretty much all night. During our conversation it was revealed that he has a girlfriend - ugh. But, not wanting to discard a potential friendship we kept talking. As the night went on we really had a good time getting to know each other, and then, after one too many tequila shots, we ended up leaving the party early to make out around the corner from the building. Classy! Anyway, he paid for me to take a cab home, somehow we exchanged numbers, and during one of our many phone conversations that night he asked me to have lunch with him sometime because he did like me and wanted to get to know me better "as friends." I laughed to myself, knowing that, while his plan was very sweet, it wouldn't work out exactly that way. I sort of have a sixth sense: when I meet someone new, within the first few hours of knowing them I can tell whether or not we will hook up and/or date in the future. And for my entire life, I've never been wrong. And just so we're clear, kissing doesn't count. ANYWAY! That's why I didn't blog Wednesday. Thursday I was way too hungover to blog, and Friday I only worked a half day so I could get on the road to Michigan. I had a doctor's appointment Saturday morning, then Saturday night I went to The Whitney in Detroit to research a performance opportunity I was offered. Sunday was lunch with my mom and aunt and then driving back to the city, where I unpacked, did my nails, and relaxed. Yesterday [Monday] I had full intention of blogging - but Matt (the male coworker from the Christmas party) followed through on his lunch invitation and asked me to join him last minute, to which I happily agreed (and we went to Subway). Needless to say the rest of the day I was on Cloud 9 and couldn't give two figs about blogging. Sad, but true. (I suppose I should mention that although Matt does have a girlfriend, I am not intending on breaking them up. I am intending on getting to know him, as FRIENDS, just as he suggested, and hopefully the pieces will fall where they may in the future. Neither one of us have brought up the events of the party, and I doubt we will any time soon.)

*PHEW*

So, now that we are all caught up, how did I do with food? Well, let me start off by saying I haven't worked out, at all, since last Tuesday. I feel horrible about it because one of my December Goals was to work out four times a week, but the events of the last week have unfortunately prevented me from having much of a mindset towards weight loss. DING DING DING! Let me start off by saying I did relatively well with my points this last week. I did have fast food twice and I did go over my points [almost] every day, but I in no way did nearly as bad as I did that infamous week. Am I expecting a loss? Eh, not really. I am just hoping I didn't gain anything.

I had somewhat of a realization over the last week. I think the main reason Weight Watchers works, and is something people can stick to, is because it fits into your lifestyle - in the sense that, people's lives need balance. You can't spend every waking moment obsessing about diet, and exercise, and weight loss. It will drive you crazy, and most likely make you quit. Then again, on the same token, you can't let your entire mentality be shifted away from those things just because you have a lot going on in your life. You will slip up far too many times and fail. It's all about finding the balance, and I think I did just that over the weekend.

Am I anticipating a huge number tomorrow morning? Hell no. I'm really not even anticipating a loss. I'm a little bummed, yes, because I do want to make it into the 140s by New Years Eve, but the fact of the matter is I'm content with my actions over the weekend. Yes, I indulged a little bit. I drank quite a bit at the party, but opted out of having any food. I did pick up McDonald's on the way into Michigan and Taco Bell on the way out, but those were my only meals for the day. Honestly, I'm not sure how the scale will read tomorrow. As long as I don't gain I will be content, and I'll move forward with this next week back into my old routine. Coming into work "dirty" and going to the gym first thing is now somewhat of a challenge because, well, I need to look good, every day, all day. Pathetic, I know. But with the start of my new week tomorrow I'm hoping I can convince myself that it is for the best - plus, if I'm smart about it, I can work it out that I don't see said coworker until after my workout / shower. Yeah, I've trailed off again...

Point being, this week I did decent. Next week I will do better. Now, to see what the scale says...

Holy crap. I LOST 3 FREAKING POUNDS! I stepped on the scale this morning and literally could not believe the number I saw. I actually was mildly expecting to gain. Between using up almost all of my 35 weekly points and only working out two days ... I don't know. I guess I was just preparing myself for the worst. When I stepped on the scale I actually closed my eyes. I didn't want to look down. I could feel every nerve in my body tense and I just kept repeating in my brain, "Just let me see 157.something. 156.something would be better, but please just let me see 157.something." When I saw 155.2 my eyes popped open so wide I thought one of my eyeballs would fall out. I actually had to get off the scale and weigh myself again; I couldn't believe that number, it had to be wrong. I must not have stepped on the scale correctly and it read me inaccurately. That must have been what happened. But NOPE! The second reading was exactly the same: 155.2!

After my first month on Weight Watchers I've lost 7 pounds. Am I happy with this, absolutely. It's 7 pounds off my body forever. And who knows, maybe next week I'll have another loss like this week? I doubt it though. I can't imagine having two huge losses back to back like that. But then again I didn't think I'd lose 3 pounds this week either. I guess it just goes to show you that the body is going to do whatever the body wants to do. All I can do at this point is keep following the program. Even if I'm a little off my goal by the beginning of May I'll still be a lot thinner than I am now, and I guess that's what I really need to focus on.

Oh! And my Weight Watchers app gave me a little badge for being a good little weight-watcher:

Today my boss took me out to lunch for sushi. During my first week we were chatting and he mentioned that he was taking his old assistant out for sushi, and when my reaction was nothing but excitement he told me to pencil in a day for us to do the same. That day was today. Being that I'd consumed all of my weekly points except 6 (technically 20, but I only use 35 weekly points instead of the usual 49) I decided to skip my usual breakfast and make one gigantic fruit salad. I chopped up an apple, a clementine, some strawberries, and some pineapple, and it turned into quite a morning feast. By the time lunch rolled around I was starving! I couldn't wait to get to the restaurant and order!

My boss is well aware that I am on Weight Watchers and so he didn't mind me taking a few extra minutes to tally up my points. My typical sushi outing usually involves the all-to-common California roll, in addition to two or three hot Japanese appetizers. Knowing I couldn't indulge as I normally would, I whipped out my calculator and figured out what would be the most sensible choices. I, of course, stuck with my California roll at only 6 points for the entire roll, and actually, due to the low point count, I considered just ordering two of them and being done with it (or broadening my horizons and choosing another roll to try). However, I kept on searching and found out that Gyoza, one of my favorite hot appetizers, was also only 6 points. Done!


While we were discussing our orders, my boss suggested we get an order of edamame to start. My response to this was, "Aren't those those little bean thingies?" Feeling horribly uncultured and all-to-shy in my cuisine endeavors I agreed to his suggestion. And OH MY GOSH am I glad I did! I think I found my new veggie love! Freaking soybeans!


I at first was a little skeptical of trying these hairy little pods, not to mention the fact that I had absolutely NO idea how to eat them without making myself look foolish. My boss told me to "teeth them out" - I did this with the first one but, although it worked, I decided to simply squeeze the rest out with my fingers. I figured this would eliminate some salt ingestion, plus it was easier for me. And only two or three of them flew away from me in the process! They were delicious! They taste almost like nuts of some kind, so I was very curious as to what the nutrition information would look like. Turns out I was right, in that they were similar to nuts. Although, they weren't quite as bad, and worked out to about 3 points for half a cup, which is what I assume I ended up eating. I definitely think I'm going to buy some of these little guys and incorporate them somehow. I found some recipes that suggested mashing up the cooked beans and making a dip of sorts. Hmm, interesting! In any event, I'm really glad I gave these a try.

Maybe I should trying more foods! *thinks*

Water and I have a very love-hate relationship. Some days it's crisp and fresh and clean and I can't get enough of it. Other days it's bland and boring and tasteless and I have to force myself to even have one glass. Over the years, I became a big fan of Crystal Light. The idea of turning water into a flavored beverage without adding any calories was incredible to me. However, once the initial amusement wore off I began to realize what a pain these little packets were. Powder would always get all over my counter, rarely would I get the entire packet to dissolve, leaving behind large clumps in my drink, and to top it all off, the flavors I consumed the most almost had a dye-like quality that would stain anything it touched. Now, I have several boxes of Crystal Light in my pantry, none of which have seen the light of day in quite some time. Every now and then I'll brace myself for the challenge, but nine times out of ten I'll simply drink my water plain, missing the tasty satisfaction the product used to give me.

Today I went grocery shopping and being that it's been a particularly uneventful Sunday I decided to take my time walking up and down the isles to see if anything jumped out at me. I found myself at the Crystal Light section wondering if they had come out with anything new that wasn't such a pain. Well, they hadn't. But someone else had. I had seen blogs a while back about Mio Liquid Water Enhancer and had heard a few people mention it in passing, but had never really taken the time to consider the idea. For whatever reason I assumed it would taste like chemicals, or like food coloring (which to me has always had a taste, and not a good one at that). However, I was feeling especially adventurous and decided to pick up a bottle. It was only a few dollars so if I didn't like it I wouldn't be losing much. Fruit Punch was always my go-to Crystal Light flavor, so I decided to give it a go. I got home, took out a glass, and filled it with water from my Brita. Then I took out the egg-shaped container and gave the glass a squirt. And the results?

It was great! It tasted like Fruit Punch. Who knew?

• Each container makes 24, 8 ounce servings.
• Each serving contains zero calories, zero fat, zero carbs, zero guilt!
• The product dissolves instantly, with no manual mixing needed.
• The container does NOT need any special treatment after being opened - it can live anywhere.
• It comes in seven regular flavors and two special flavors containing an added energy boost.

It's easy to say "I want to weigh 125 pounds by summer." There, I just said it. How easy was that? But the truth is, it's not easy. It takes a lot of work, determination, and will power to actually make it happen. I've always believed in setting goals, but throughout my life, especially when it came to weight loss, my goals kind of got lost in the dust of other things: school, work, theatre, family, friends, relationships. Somehow, these things always got in the way and made me lose track of what I really wanted. However, my life is very different now than it once was. I am on my own and in full control of what I do, so I've decided to finally start making goals I can keep. Each month, I will be making three to five mini goals to help push me to reach my final goal of 125 pounds by summer. Some mini goals will be bigger than others, but all of them will be achievable and will motivate me towards my final goal.

November was a good month, maybe not in the numbers on the scale, but I was able to conquer some demons and learn some lessons. I feel like I finally have my head on straight and am ready to move forward with this journey. I spent the month learning the Points Plus program and figuring out how to make it work with my lifestyle. I really committed to using the gym at my work, and worked out 3-5 days every week. I really made some progress last month, I just want to continue.

So, here's December:

• Try One New Recipe Each Week - Because Weight Watchers lets you eat essentially anything you  want, I've been pretty bad about cooking lately. So, I want to turn my focus on cooking more this month. Unfortunately, I only have a few recipes under my belt, and turkey burgers, although delicious, get old if eaten every night. Therefore I want to make sure I am expanding my culinary skills by cooking one new recipe each week. I, of course, will be able to cook more if I feel adventurous, but I wanted to give myself a realistic number to achieve first, and four recipes in the month of December is something I can definitely handle!
• Work Out at Least Four Times a Week - I have done pretty well working out in November, usually working out three or four times a week. I want to make sure I up this in December to a minimum of four times a week. The fact of the matter is, working out at the gym at my office is amazingly convenient for me. Waking up early has always been a struggle, and getting to sleep in an extra half hour or so instead of taking a shower and getting ready is right up my alley. Getting into work "dirty" forces me to get to the gym at some point in the morning, and it's worked great so far. If I decide I don't want to work out, then I have to shower in the morning before I leave my apartment, meaning I miss out on sleep - which I don't like to do, ever. So, I think this is something I can definitely accomplish.
• Reach the 140s by New Year's Eve - I realize I have very little control over this goal, but it definitely is my number one goal for December. As I explained in my last weigh-in, New Years Eve 2011 was the start of an amazing year, and that night I weighed in the upper 140s. I'd love to rekindle that feeling, and hopefully the good vibes that come along with it, and make 2013 even better! 2012 was somewhat of a crappy year for me - a lot of roller coaster emotions and big changes in my life, so I want to make sure I start off the new year on an amazing note. Being in the 140s would definitely do that, so I'm crossing my fingers the scale is sweet to me!

After my mishap with the potato last night, I decided to take another glance through the Power Foods Favorites recipe book. Although I have two points left tonight, I'm really not hungry - plus I have to get some sleep - however I wanted to post this because it is definitely something I'm going to be trying tomorrow (or Sunday, depending on when I can get my hands on some fat-free whipped topping). I wasn't sure whether to classify this as a snack or a dessert, but I decided to go the dessert route to break up the monotony of ice cream, cookies, and cakes that I'm sure I'll collect over time. My mom has tried this recipe already, sans whipped topping, and says it's just delicious!

Ingredients:

• 1 large apple
• 1 tbsp maple syrup
• 1 tbsp raisins
• 1 tbsp fat-free whipped topping
• pinch ground cinnamon and/or nutmeg

Instructions:

• Core and slice apple; place on a plate.
• Drizzle apple slices with syrup and raisins; cover.
• Microwave until apple is soft, about 3 to 5 minutes.
• Spoon (or spray) whipped topping over apples.
• Garnish with cinnamon and/or nutmeg.

Notes:

• Serve warm.
• For different flavors, try replacing the raisins with dried cranberries or cherries.

Servings: 1 serving

WW+ Points: 2 per serving

Recipe Credit: Weight Watchers

I was chatting with my friend at work, Hillary, who is also doing Weight Watchers (she actually went through with the at-work meetings program as opposed to simply doing the online program like I am). Apparently she had been chatting with another girl on her team about Weight Watchers and how it's been going, and mentioned to her that I was doing the program as well, to which she replied, "Oh, really? Yeah, she seems a little thinner."

I wasn't really sure how to respond to this. To Hillary I seemed nothing but grateful and flattered for the compliment, but inside I was crawling with other thoughts. Do I really seem thinner? I've only lost four pounds. Is that really enough weight to change someone's appearance? Four pounds can be lost by upping your water intake over a weekend. Is it really enough to make me look thinner? True, I've been working out now for almost a month, maybe I've toned up a little bit and that's why I seem to look different? But even still, I don't really feel I've done enough yet to warrant any change in my physique.

Then I thought some more. Was it really so hard for me to just accept the compliment and move on? Why did I feel the need to rationalize it? Why were her words so hard to hear as truth? This type of situation makes me wonder if I will always have fat-girl-syndrome. You know: once I finally lose weight, will I still have my old appearance ingrained in my brain because I've had it so long? The bottom line is I'm not losing weight for my health or for any other non-cosmetic reasons. I'm losing weight to look better. And of course feel better, but feeling better will be a direct result of looking better. Sad but true. I'm 25-years-old. I want to be young and sexy. Sad but true. This is all vanity for me. So, with all that being said, if changing my physical appearance is really my only real reason for wanting to lose weight, will I ever even be able to enjoy it once I finally get there? Or will I forever see myself as that little fat girl in the swimming pool?

I was running late for work today, and when I finally got here I noticed a muffin sitting next to my keyboard. Evidently there were some donuts and muffins left over from a charity event we hosted early this morning and my boss snagged me a blueberry muffin in case they were all gone by the time I got in. While I was of course very touched at his thoughtful gesture, my first thought was, "Oh God, there must be at least ten points in this thing." I nonchalantly asked him where they ordered the muffins from, and when Dunkin' Donuts was his reply I quickly went to my computer to look it up. Sure enough - 13 points! That's half my day! No way could I eat this thing. But what could I do? I would feel terrible telling him I didn't want it, and even more terrible if I just threw it out. So, I waited until his next meeting, which fortunately was about ten minutes after our discussion. When he shut the door to his office I quickly grabbed the muffin, headed to the kitchen, and placed the muffin back in the box. I then proceeded to heat up my Jimmy Dean Delights Sandwich and peel my clementine. Six points, and no guilt!

After my muffin triumph I went back to my desk to track my dinner from last night. I cooked for a friend who stayed after dinner to play Wii for a bit, preventing me from tracking until this morning. One by one I added in my meal:

• Weight Watchers Chicken Breast - 3 points
• 1 tbsp Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce - 1 point
• 1 cup baby spinach - 0 points
• ½ cup strawberries, sliced - 0 points
• 1 tbsp low-fat feta cheese - 1 point
• 1 tbsp low-fat raspberry vinaigrette - 1 point

I know I'm not the only one who wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror, and thinks to myself, "Ugh, I just can't do this. I'll never lose this weight." After so many failed attempts and so many years of being fat, sometimes it just seems too hard. Sometimes I just want to give up. I know I'm not alone.

The next time you feel like you can't do something, the next time you think it's too hard, the next time you want to give up ... watch this:

I ... LOST!? I can't even believe it. And, I mean, I lost a whole pound! True, it's not as much as I'd generally like to see, but for this week!? I'll TOTALLY take it. I think I'm still in a slight state of shock. When I stepped onto the scale I literally closed my eyes and took a deep breath, bracing myself for the travesty that was about to appear before me. When I opened my eyes I was completely expecting to see a number in the 160s. I literally am stunned. Although, I do have to say that even though I was lucky and ended up losing this week, I had a big eye-opener!

I want to lose weight. I want to be thin. I am tired of being the way I am. And I know I can do it. I know I can. I've done it before! Hell, over the course of my life I've probably lost at least 100 pounds, if not more. Clearly I am able to lose weight. I should have no more excuses at this point. I need to focus on what I want and make it happen. Nothing is holding me back on this except myself. Food is not going to rule my life. It's not going to mold who I am. I refuse to let FOOD be something that prevents me from happiness.

I think it's time to set my First Mini Goal. I know it's not really good to put a timeline on weight loss, but it helps me keep focused. New Year's Eve 2011 I was at my lowest adult weight ever: 148/149 pounds. I can't remember the exact number, but I know it was in the upper 140s and I know it made me feel GREAT! Within the first month of 2011 so many things in my life starting going right, for the first time in a very long time. I got a new job which, at the time, seemed to be an awesome opportunity, and the best pay I'd ever gotten. I got cast as Maureen in Rent, one of my all-time dream roles. And I started dating Jesse, a really sexy firefighter with a heart of gold - who I actually met on New Year's Eve. My life finally seemed like it was heading down the right path. Then, everything changed. I guess I got cocky or thought I didn't need to work on my weight any longer. Before I knew it the pounds started to creep back on, and one by one the things I had just gained were suddenly leaving my life. True, none of these things left because of my weight: my job had turned out to be nothing more than a slave-ship and I desperately wanted to fall overboard, the run of Rent simply came to an end, and Jesse and I found that the hour-and-fifteen-minute commute between our houses was simply too difficult. My weight had nothing to do with anything, but I've always looked back on the first few months of 2011 as an incredibly symbolic moment in my life. It started off amazing, with me being at the lowest weight I'd ever been. Everything was going my way and for the first time ever I was actually, 100%, truly happy. Then, when the weight came back, slowly I crept back into my normal state of mind - slightly depressed, always yearning for more.

My First Mini Goal is therefore clear as a bell - Be in the 140s by New Year's Eve 2013.

Today I weighed-in at 158.2, meaning, at minimum, I have to lose 8.3 pounds by December 31. In order to do this, my weigh-ins need to somewhat reflect this:

Dec 05: 156.4
Dec 12: 154.6
Dec 19: 152.7
Dec 26: 150.9

Leaving me a pound to lose between December 26 and December 31. Is this a long shot? Maybe. Maybe I'm reaching just a little bit too high. But the way I see it, it's completely doable. No, it's not an easy goal, but I don't want to just reach for what's easy. If I fall a little short, so be it, but at least I'll know I tried my best. At the end of the day, being off by a pound or two really isn't going to effect how I look, or how I feel. I just know I will have such a good aura around me that night if I can get ready to go out knowing I'm back in the 140s, ready to start a new year! The only way to do that is to really buckle down. No more excuses. No. More. Cheating! I have a lot to do this month! I can't afford to waste any more time.

The last few days I've been debating with myself as to whether or not I want to weigh-in tomorrow. Ever since my slip-up on Saturday I've wrestled with the idea over and over again. I kept telling myself if I were to weigh-in and gain ... again ... that I would fall into a very heavy "give-up" mindset. I would convince myself, although this time it was my fault, that my efforts will never pay off and I may as well just eat whatever I enjoy. I spent a good majority of yesterday pretty sure I was going to opt out of stepping on the scale. I figured what I didn't know couldn't hurt me, and I would simply enter into the new week with the feeling of a new start, putting the past behind me and stepping forward towards better decisions that will help me finally reach my goal. But this morning I woke up - literally and figuratively.

What would being left in the dark do to benefit my situation? The answer is nothing. It would do nothing. It would keep me unaware of the consequences of my actions. It would allow me to pretend that my downfall never happened. It would allow me to hide from the truth, in the blissful ignorance it provides. How would I grow from that? What would I learn? The fact of the matter is, this is not the first time this has happened. It's happened before. Apparently I didn't learn my lesson then. Ignoring my weigh-in would only further prevent me from doing so. I need to step on that scale and hold myself accountable for what I've done. I was the one who decided to eat those donuts. I was the one who got a turkey pita and fries instead of a salad. I was the one who picked at pistachios, and popcorn, and Bagel Bites instead of saying, "No thanks, I'm full." And I was the one who pigged out on Hostess treats. Now, I will be the one who faces that number in the morning.

I know full well this number is not going to be a good one. I wouldn't be surprised if I actually ate myself into a number higher than my starting weight. The progress I've made, though small, might all go to waste. I know this. Realistically I really can't expect any other outcome at this point. To even hope for a loss of any kind is naive and wishful thinking. But I can't keep running from the truth. I can't keep making excuses for myself and shrugging off my mistakes. I want to lose this weight, and keep it off. I'm tired of always having the same wish, the same dream, the same New Year's Resolution. I'm tired of being afraid of going to the beach or to a party. I'm tired of feeling and looking the way I do. I need to change this! Tomorrow I'll step on that scale and I'll look at that number. It may not be the number I want to see, but it will be the number it needs to be. And it will be the number that will carry me into my new week. No excuses. No shrugging. No hiding. From this point on I need to do this right; I need to finish this!

I have always, always, always wanted to try Greek yogurt. Ever since the first day it started popping up in diet and weight loss blogs all over the internet I've been fascinated by the stuff. I'm a big yogurt fan in general, and for whatever reason, trying Greek yogurt has been a huge item on my bucket list. I know what you're thinking: "So, go to the store and pick some up, Sam. It's not a difficult procedure." True, but there were so many questions that still lurked in my brain: brand, flavor, product line. So many options, so many variables, how will I know which one is right for me?

My questions were finally answered the day Yoplait released their Greek 100 line. I wasn't even aware that Yoplait made Greek yogurt in the first place; had I known I probably would have tried it a long time ago. I tend to be slightly reluctant in trying new foods, especially if I'm unfamiliar with the brand. In regards to Greek yogurt, Chobani was the brand I had heard about the most, with Fage coming in at a close second. A short while ago I had heard about Dannon Oikos, and being a big Light-and-Fit fan I was planning on giving it a go. However, I read an article about Yoplait's Greek 100 and knew right away it would be the best fit for me. I am a big fan of Yoplait, and choosing between their regular Greek yogurt and the Greek 100 was easy: 60 less calories, 16 less grams of carbs, and an extra gram of protein to boot (when comparing the key lime flavors)! While visiting my mom for Thanksgiving this past weekend, who is also on Weight Watchers, we decided to finally give it a try!

We picked up three flavors of Greek 100 to try, and to be good sports, we also picked up a few flavors of Chobani to allow for a taste comparison. I found Chobani to be a little tart, and my mom agreed - she was skeptical of trying Greek yogurt at all as she had a bad experience her first time trying it (tart, bitter, etc). However, when we tried the Greek 100 it was like the heavens had opened and angels began to sing.

• Each container is only 2 Points, compared to 4 Points with most other bands.
• Each container is only 100 calories, which is at least 60 calories lower than other brands.
• Each container has at least 10-13 grams of protein per serving.
• The serving size seems huge, an illusion probably due to the thick, creamy consistency.
• The flavors are incredible; you would have NO idea this wasn't regular yogurt.

Currently, Yoplait has six flavors of Greek 100: Black Cherry, Key Lime, Mixed Berry, Peach, Strawberry, and Vanilla. So far I have tried Black Cherry, Key Lime, and Vanilla, and I have a Mixed Berry and a Strawberry sitting in my fridge waiting for their taste test. I've never been a fan of Peach anything, so that one will go untested, at least by me - my mom has agreed to sample this flavor and give me her results. Honestly, at this point I can't tell which flavor I like the best so far. The Black Cherry and Key Lime are packed with flavor, with Black Cherry actually having real pieces of fruit, and the Vanilla was so mild I could see it doubling as a "plain" flavor in recipes.

I am definitely sold! Moving forward, I foresee myself eliminating the purchase of normal yogurts and replacing them solely with this delicious alternative. I'm very happy with this product and am so glad I finally had the courage to try it.

Goodbye Yoplait Light and Dannon Light-and-Fit ... Hello Yoplait Greek 100!

About an hour ago I got back from my trip to Michigan for Thanksgiving, which explains my lack of posts the last few days. As usual I spent most of my time in the mitten with my mom. I was especially looking forward to this during this particular trip because she is also doing Weight Watchers now and it would be a great support system. We knew we wanted to have some freedom with Thanksgiving, but still wanted to keep within our points. Our menu stayed true to the items we normally ate, and consisted of Cornish Hens, mashed cauliflower, a stir-fry of broccoli, mushrooms, and onions, my mom's famous stuffing, and pumpkin bread for dessert. The hens were removed of their skin and had no marinade or coating. The mashed cauliflower was the traditional, on-point recipe. The veggie stir-fry had no sauces or seasonings, other than a little garlic. We lightened up my mom's stuffing by using turkey sausage, cutting the almond and cherry count in half, and, of course, had smaller portion sizes than any other year. The pumpkin bread was removed of its icing, and was the one indulgence of the day. Appetizers consisted of a veggie tray, midget pickles, and deviled eggs (made with light Miracle Whip). Overall, we did pretty well! ... However, Thanksgiving was not my worst day of the weekend.

Yesterday was an awful, terrible day. The day started off fine with a 6-point breakfast including my mom's version of an Egg-McMuffin (whole-wheat sandwich thin, poached egg whites, low fat cheese, and turkey ham) and a banana. However, my first mistake of the day shortly followed. My aunt is a hairstylist and has done my hair my whole life. The perks of this, of course, are endless, however it comes with some downfalls - including open entrance to the kitchen. I stepped back there to grab something to drink, and saw a box of Krispy Kremes sitting on the counter. I knew I shouldn't have stepped over to them, but before I knew it, a glazed creation was making its way down my throat. And then another. Two. Two glazed Krispy Kreme donuts. Well, the day just got worse from there. It's routine that after my aunt does my hair we grab lunch, so we stepped over to the diner directly connected to her salon. If a turkey pita with Swiss wasn't bad enough, I added a side of fries [with ranch] to my plate. After that, I headed over to my dad's house to watch Avatar on his new blu-ray and HD-TV. The movie was accompanied by a bowl of pistachios, buttered popcorn, and pizza Bagel Bites. To top off my day, I spent the rest of the evening with a good friend, who also participates in some of the recreational activities I do. After a quick smoke it was off to the corner store to "pay our respects" to Hostess, by purchasing a catastrophic amount of pastries. I alone ate a honey bun, a package of mini chocolate donuts, four cinnamon sweet rolls, and a random [non-Hostess] carrot cake. Don't even think about what the points for this part of my day alone was, or it will make you cry.

The thing is, I didn't - cry that is. I really didn't even feel bad. I still don't. I'm disappointed in myself for going so far above and beyond what I should have, but I don't necessarily regret my actions. My entire mentality changes when I go to Michigan, it always has. I realized about a year ago why I could never lose weight and keep it off while I was still living there. My mentality while in that state is just terrible. Now, even though I don't live there anymore, whenever I visit it's like I get into "vacation mode." Not only do I not care about what I eat, but I don't even care that I don't care! It's like I feel almost privileged - that anything I consume won't count towards my waste-line - because I'm in Michigan. It's so stupid! But it's constant. It's like a dark cloud that hangs over my head, preventing me from making the right choices even when I know I have no excuse not to.

But, even worse than my being-in-Michigan mentality, is my I-already-messed-up-today mentality. This is something I need, need, NEED to break! It's been a challenge for me with every single diet I've ever attempted, every weight-loss program, every single time. When I mess up, even if just a little bit, I think to myself, "Well, today is already ruined. Might as well enjoy it." And you know what - it's that attitude that's probably kept me fat. Think about it - if I hadn't done that all those times, how much thinner would I be right now? How much more weight would I have already lost? Maybe I'd be done! Or at least close. It's like I'm so prone to self-sabotage I can't see the bigger picture. Yes, eating those Krispy Kremes did ruin my day yesterday, but continuing to eat like that the rest of the day ruined my entire week! Why in God's name did I think it would be a good idea to indulge in that type of behavior? What did I think I was going to accomplish!

The only good thing that came from the weekend (aside from buying a Christmas tree for my apartment) was that I was finally able to try some Greek yogurt, which I'll write about soon. Today I at least was able to control myself a little better than yesterday. I had my mom's Egg McMuffin for breakfast, a turkey breast and black forest ham Subway sandwich for lunch, and some carrots and dip while my mom and I were taking down my Christmas tree (which we put up Friday night to make sure I had enough decorations). During my drive back to the city I actually contemplated picking up some Taco Bell! Yes, I was hungry, but did I really need Taco Bell!? Fortunately the location I found off the freeway didn't have a drive-thru and my laziness forced me to make the good choice to pass on the greasy gordita that was once in my future. Once I got back to my apartment and unpacked everything, my appetite was gone. Plus, I looked back on my behavior the last few days, shook my head, and had no desire to eat anything. Not only did I fall completely off the wagon yesterday, but not a single speck of food was tracked the entire time I was in Michigan - not even on the days I stayed on plan!

I need to get this done. I can't keep making excuses. I can't keep telling myself it's okay to slip up. I can't keep falling apart and losing my grip. If I make a mistake, I need to deal with it! I can't just add more mistakes onto the pile in hopes that my first initial mistake will go unnoticed. I HATE being fat. I hate it! I don't think I've ever hated anything more in my entire life. This constant feeling of being a blob - it got old, long ago. I'm 25 years old! These are supposed to be the best years of my life! I'm supposed to be going out and living it up in the city and meeting people and enjoying my youth - not hiding in my apartment wishing I had lost weight in high school. If I keep this up, I'll be hiding in my apartment wishing I had lost weight in my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. My mom has yo-yo dieted her entire life. I don't want to do that! I don't want my weight to be a burden anymore. I don't want every New Year's resolution to be to lose 10, 20, 30 pounds. Enough is enough! I need to break down this crappy mentality, once and for freaking all!

1. Orange Cranberry Glazed Turkey Breast - 6 Points

Day five in my 7 Days of Thanksgiving! The final day of our Thanksgiving feast countdown, and that can only mean one thing: dessert. And what dessert accompanies Thanksgiving? Pumpkin pie. Now, I've never been the biggest fan of pumpkin pie. To be fair, I really haven't given it a fair chance I suppose. It smells good, and so does any candle that resembles it, however I've just never given the taste the proper try. Maybe it's because it's made out of a gourd. That's always creeped me out a little bit, hahaa. But I know everyone else in the known galaxy likes it, and adds it to their Thanksgiving spread. I've pulled a recipe from one of my favorite recipe sites that I've been familiar with for quite some time. Even without trying the recipe myself I can guarantee it will be amazing! And, as an added bonus, you can prepare the pie two ways - with and without crust. Omitting the crust makes this delicious dessert points free!

Ingredients:

CRUST:

• ⅔ cup oat flour (1 cup oats ground into a flour in a food processor)
• ½ cup almond flour (almonds ground into a flour in a food processor)
• ⅛ tsp salt
• ½ cup sugar substitute
• 2 tbs unsweetened applesauce
• 1 egg
• ½ tsp cinnamon
• Non-stick cooking spray

FILLING:

• 1 cup pumpkin
• ¾ cup unsweetened almond milk
• 5 egg whites
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• ½ tsp pumpkin pie spice
• 1 tsp cornstarch
• 1 cup sugar substitute
• ⅛ tsp salt

Instructions:

CRUST:

• Preheat oven to 375°.
• In a medium bowl, combine the dry ingredients.
• In a small bowl, combine the wet ingredients.
• Combine the wet and dry ingredients and stir.
• Spray an 8 inch pie dish with cooking spray.
• Press crust mixture into pie dish using hands to distribute evenly.
• Bake for 10-15 minutes, or until golden brown.
• Remove from the oven and set aside, (leave oven on).

FILLING:

• Blend or whisk-by-hand all ingredients until filling is smooth and well-combined.

CRUSTLESS PIES ( POINTS):

• Line a 12 cup muffin tin with liners (silicone or foil work best) and spray with cooking spray.
• Divide filling evenly among muffin tins.
• Bake for 40-45 minutes, or until slightly firm to the touch.
• Let cool and serve immediately, or refrigerate until ready to serve.

PIE WITH CRUST ( POINTS):

• Pour filling into pie crust and bake for 55-60 minutes or until slightly firm to the touch.
• Let cool and serve immediately, or refrigerate until ready to serve.

Notes:

• Serve with a dollop of Cool Whip Lite.
• To make a gingersnap crust, add 2 tsp ground ginger to the crust mixture.
• Makes 12 crustless pies or 8 slices of pie with crust.

Servings: 12/8 servings

WW+ Points: 0/3 per serving

Recipe Credit: Dashing Dish

The picture says it all. I gained .4 pounds. Not terrible, I suppose, but not the greatest. I think the hardest part of losing weight is when you see a gain on the scale. It's devastating, especially during a week like this. I didn't cheat. At all. I did everything I was supposed to. I even made sure I worked out every single [work] day - even Monday! I couldn't participate in my usual morning work out as I wanted to follow up on a few things with my boss, so I was planning on going after work. When the time came, I really didn't want to. But I went anyway! It tastes kind of bitter now knowing that it was all in vain. Am I happy I went, yeah, sure, but I want the results too. I will never be one of those people who enjoy going to the gym simply to be healthy and to get that "after-work-out" rush; I want a tight butt, toned arms, and washboard abs from my work out regimen.

True, .4 pounds is not the end of the world. It's just frustrating because I didn't do anything to warrant it. If I had cheated or even missed a work out or two, then okay, it was my fault. But whose fault is this? My Weight Watchers app tried to make me feel better by sending me this little message after I logged my weigh-in:

So, you gained a little bit this week.

Gaining is a normal part of the process and can happen for a lot of reasons. Look back at this week and see what you might be able to change; then let go of what you can't.

The best thing to do is focus on making this coming week a success.

Well, that's very nice Weight Watchers app, but it's still hard to not feel a little down about the whole thing, especially since there isn't anything for me to change. But, the only thing I can do at this point is move forward. Hopefully this week was a fluke and any gains from here on out will be at my own hand. Little gains like this without any sort of reason, in any sort of a reoccurring pattern, will absolutely make me lose faith that I can do this.

And I know I can. I have to!

Day six in my 7 Days of Thanksgiving! No holiday meal, or meal in general, would be complete without a salad, at least in my opinion. I am definitely the type who tends to have salads as a main course, and usually when I make salads they end up being pretty basic: lettuce, carrots, cheese, dressing. However, I recently discovered my love for baby spinach. I am not a fan of spinach cooked, unless there is a tiny amount in an omelet, but while on a date recently I was served a salad similar to the one below. It's probably not a new creation to most people, but to me it was and I was pleasantly surprised (by the flavors and also the culinary mastery of my date). I made a few changes to omit some points, including eliminating the feta cheese he had added, but the dish still retains the fruity freshness of the original version. This would also be a nice salad to serve at Christmastime, with the beautiful and vibrant reds and greens!

Ingredients:

• 2 cups fresh baby spinach
• 8 strawberries, sliced
• ¼ cup sliced almonds
• 4 tbsp fat free strawberry or raspberry vinaigrette
• Pinch of freshly ground black pepper

Instructions:

• Combine spinach, strawberries, and almonds in a large mixing bowl.
• Top with black pepper.
• Drizzle the vinaigrette on top or serve on the side.

Notes:

• To add a little extra kick, try adding 2 oz feta or goat cheese (2 additional points per serving).

Servings: 2 servings

WW+ Points: 3 per serving

Recipe Credit: My Recipe

Yesterday was the first day back at work since the real Weight Watchers program at my office started. Even though I'm not doing the office program, a friend of mine from work still is, so I wanted to check in with her. I sent her an e-mail asking how her weekend was, food-wise of course. This was [part of] her response: "My weekend did not go well with the Weight Watchers. I had a friend in town and we were going out to dinner and stuff and I drank a bit. I haven’t really tried to do it since last Thursday. I’m not very good at it. I don’t like being told what to do and I think I’m getting pissed off by the idea that I can’t just eat whatever I want."

When I first read her remarks I instantly was reminded of myself, in all of the previous diets I'd ever tried. I hated being told what I could and couldn't eat. I hated being told that my current perception of food was wrong - that I didn't know how to eat properly. I remember thinking that I knew better; I knew how to eat right, I knew what foods were good and what foods were bad, I knew all of this; how dare they tell my differently! But knowing and doing are two completely separate things. I may have known better, but I definitely wasn't putting that knowledge into action. "... I’m getting pissed off by the idea that I can’t just eat whatever I want." Well, no, you can't eat whatever you want. I mean, sitting down with a bag of chips instead of carrot sticks or a chocolate cake instead of a fruit salad - these are the things that got you fat. These are the reasons you need to lose weight. So, no - you can't eat whatever you want.

But then I thought again...

The truth is, we really can eat whatever we want. No one is “telling [us] what to do” – it’s all up to us what we choose to eat and what we choose not to eat. What the program teaches is that you need to hold yourself accountable for the things you do decide to eat. Yesterday during a meeting at work, one of the managers on my boss's team brought a jar of candy with him (as he always does - moral boost probably). I sat there during the entire meeting convincing myself not to eat a piece. The truth was I had enough points for it - I had my normal breakfast but my lunch was about two or three points lighter, so in all actuality that piece of candy would just fill in those missing points. But I told myself,  “No, you can't eat any - you can have two brownies tonight instead of just one if you don't.” By the end of the meeting, however, a little Heath bar was just calling my name. So, I ate it. Should I have eaten it? No. Did I need it? No. But did I eat it? Yes. The Heath bar turned out to be two points, which is what my extra brownie would have been. I didn't feel guilty about eating the candy, I simply told myself that later on that night I could only have the one brownie for dessert. No big deal. But that's the point I'm trying to make I guess - I shouldn't have eaten the candy, but I did and so I made the changes I needed to make to allow for it in my day.

I think that's what I'm starting to realize. No one is telling me what to eat. This is the first program I've ever been on in my entire life where I can literally eat whatever I want. Certain diets of mine in the past cut out processed foods, or sweets, or fruit even! But with Weight Watchers, you literally can eat whatever you want. But ... you don't want to eat those things anymore.

I think that's why my outlook is completely different this time around. I'm ready to start changing the way I think about food. There have been some days where I've indulged, sure, and there will always be those days. It's called living. But that's what your Weekly Points are for - they are for living. Weight Watchers is teaching me to hold myself accountable for my relationship with food. If I eat a few extra points midday, then I cut those points out of my dinner. If I go out to a restaurant and have a few glasses of wine, causing me to dig into my Weekly Points, then I need to make sure I'm on track the rest of the week. The whole idea is that overtime you won't want to eat the things you shouldn't, so you can have more of the things you should.

So, is someone telling me what to eat? Sure. But I can still eat whatever I want. The bottom line is: the things I want to eat are starting to change. I'll always want to choose cheesecake instead of light sorbet. I'll always want to pick up McDonald's fries instead of going home and making a salad. As a [soon-to-be] former-fat kid, those desires will never really go away. But what the program is teaching me is that it's okay to want those things. And it's okay to have them from time to time. Just as long as you are staying on track in the bigger picture. This is definitely the first diet I've been on where I don't feel like it's a diet. It's not fast. It's not a quick fix. It's not a magic formula. It's real food, real planning, real decisions. It's like boot camp! It's training me on how to win the battle of the bulge. And, so far at least, I think it's doing a pretty good job!