The last few days I've been debating with myself as to whether or not I want to weigh-in tomorrow. Ever since my slip-up on Saturday I've wrestled with the idea over and over again. I kept telling myself if I were to weigh-in and gain ... again ... that I would fall into a very heavy "give-up" mindset. I would convince myself, although this time it was my fault, that my efforts will never pay off and I may as well just eat whatever I enjoy. I spent a good majority of yesterday pretty sure I was going to opt out of stepping on the scale. I figured what I didn't know couldn't hurt me, and I would simply enter into the new week with the feeling of a new start, putting the past behind me and stepping forward towards better decisions that will help me finally reach my goal. But this morning I woke up - literally and figuratively.

What would being left in the dark do to benefit my situation? The answer is nothing. It would do nothing. It would keep me unaware of the consequences of my actions. It would allow me to pretend that my downfall never happened. It would allow me to hide from the truth, in the blissful ignorance it provides. How would I grow from that? What would I learn? The fact of the matter is, this is not the first time this has happened. It's happened before. Apparently I didn't learn my lesson then. Ignoring my weigh-in would only further prevent me from doing so. I need to step on that scale and hold myself accountable for what I've done. I was the one who decided to eat those donuts. I was the one who got a turkey pita and fries instead of a salad. I was the one who picked at pistachios, and popcorn, and Bagel Bites instead of saying, "No thanks, I'm full." And I was the one who pigged out on Hostess treats. Now, I will be the one who faces that number in the morning.

I know full well this number is not going to be a good one. I wouldn't be surprised if I actually ate myself into a number higher than my starting weight. The progress I've made, though small, might all go to waste. I know this. Realistically I really can't expect any other outcome at this point. To even hope for a loss of any kind is naive and wishful thinking. But I can't keep running from the truth. I can't keep making excuses for myself and shrugging off my mistakes. I want to lose this weight, and keep it off. I'm tired of always having the same wish, the same dream, the same New Year's Resolution. I'm tired of being afraid of going to the beach or to a party. I'm tired of feeling and looking the way I do. I need to change this! Tomorrow I'll step on that scale and I'll look at that number. It may not be the number I want to see, but it will be the number it needs to be. And it will be the number that will carry me into my new week. No excuses. No shrugging. No hiding. From this point on I need to do this right; I need to finish this!