So, here I am, checking in - and a day early as it turns out. So, how have I done?

Terrible. Just terrible.

Long story short, I've COMPLETELY fallen out of the mindset to get this done. It makes sense though. Usually I'm all raring to go with weight loss October/November. Then the holidays hit and I take a break. Then in January/February I keep thinking, "Hey, it's winter! Who cares? I can layer!" Well, February is [almost] over. And it's time to get back into things.

I've decided I can't hold myself to a rigorous diet like Medifast or even the P90X Nutrition Plan. I just don't have the mindset to stick to something like that right now. But something is better than nothing. So I'm going back to Weight Watchers. I'm not throwing P90X away completely, however. I plan on re-starting on Saturday. I won't follow the program exactly - I'll probably skip a day here and there and get off schedule a little bit, but again, something is better than nothing. I need to stop focusing on the all or nothing mentality. That's what got me back to where I am now.

Where am I? I don't know. I know I said I was going to weigh in come the first of March, but I can't. I have NO desire to step on that scale. If I had to guess I would assume I was back around ... oh ... 160? That's my guess. I haven't been pigging out constantly, but I've eaten out a LOT. And I can just feel it in my cloths. I ordered a pair of green skinny jeans for St. Patrick's Day and I ordered two sizes - 5/6 and 7/8 - simply because I have a feeling I'll need the larger size. My cloths (my pants that is) are all still fitting, but only a few weeks/a month ago they were feeling somewhat loose. Now, they just fit. Period. Even though [almost] all of my pants are 5/6s, they are from a brand that tends to run a little bigger. So, realistically, I'll need a 7/8 in these. At least I hope so! If I have to jump up to a 9/10 I'll be crushed!

At this point, I can't point fingers at anyone. This was all my doing 100%. I will NOT reach 125 pounds by May. I'll be lucky to be in the 130s by then - hell - even the 140s. But you know what, it's okay. As much as I would have LOVED to have been thin this summer, oh well.

So, here I am. Facing a new month and [hopefully] armed with a new will to get this done. Weight Watchers for my diet, [modified] P90X for my work outs, and [hopefully] a positive, no-quit attitude. With the warm weather just around the corner I KNOW I will have a new surge of motivation soon. Saturday I plan on going to the grocery store and stocking my fridge with my old-school, lazy Weight Watchers food - Lean Cuisines, Lean Pockets, Smart Ones, etc. I'm going to print off a P90X schedule that doesn't have set dates or days of the week attached to it, just the "number" of the workout - in other words, I'm not going to go off of 90 DAYS, but 90 WORKOUTS. However long it takes me to do 90 work outs.

Hopefully I will stick to this throughout March, at which point I'll go ahead and weigh myself when April roles around. I'll probably be back down to the low 150s at that point, and although this will bum me out (a whole month of dieting just to get back to where I JUST was) it will bum me out a LOT more to step on the scale and realize where I tragically am now.

I really want to get this done. And it's all up to me. I've had enough of this! No more time WASTED! I started Weight Watchers in November. If I had stuck to it this entire time that would be four whole months. And I would have been almost DONE by now - I probably would have only had a few pounds left to go. It doesn't matter! ... Shit happens. The time passed and I didn't accomplish anything. OH WELL! - MORE time will pass and I will STILL not accomplish anything if I don't KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF!

So. That's what I'm doing. Knocking it the HELL OFF! Tomorrow = a new month; a new start; and the beginning of the end of this nonsense. This time ... I PROMISE!

So, I don't think I need to say that I've been pretty MIA for quite a while. LONG story short, I've hit a slump. A big one. P90X went great for the first week, then this past week was just plain terrible. I'm going to spare everyone the details; I'm trying a new philosophy:

Don't linger on thoughts of the past, just move on.

And that's what I'm doing. Moving on. I've realized recently that I've been looking at everything the wrong way, and because of that I've been struggling. I need to keep things simple. I need to just DO. So, here is my new plan, and hopefully it's a good one.

NUTRITION
I know how to eat. I know good choices for breakfast are oatmeal and an orange, or scrambled eggs and a light English muffin, or a fruit salad and Greek yogurt. I know good choices for lunch are a turkey sandwich with carrot sticks, or a chicken ranch roll up on a light tortilla and an apple, or a veggie-filled salad. I know good choices for dinner are a lean cut of steak with half a baked potato and a side salad, or a barbecue chicken breast and veggies, or a small serving of sushi with edamame. I know these things. So why do I need to lay out a meal plan and force myself to eat this food here and that food there? Why do I need to sit down and count up all my points/calories/whatever? Why can't I just trust my own judgement? Don't eat junk food. Don't over eat. Don't over drink. Simple! Why do I keep making it so hard? I know how to eat, and for the most part I eat well. So, that's what I'm going to do. I’m not going to think about it. I'm just going to buy good foods, eat good breakfasts, pack good lunches, and cook good dinners. I'm going to avoid alcohol at all costs - I'm not really a fan of it these days anyway, why tack on the added calories? As for my other indulgence of choice, I'm simply not going to eat during those times. I'm never hungry when I smoke, but food just sounds good, then it IS good so I just keep eating. So, no more eating when I smoke. When I go out with friends, I'll partake. If they are having pizza, I'll have some, but one slice instead of five. If they are going out for pasta, I'll have some, but a half order instead of a full order. If they are going to grab some Chinese, or a burger, or whatever - I'll go too ... but I'll make the best choice I can. I want to live! ... I think the 80-20 rule needs to come into my life a little better, with the 20 being reserved for dining at a nice steak house instead of binging on donuts or cookies. I need to find a balance in my life, I never have before and it's been my biggest problem. Medifast had NO balance, and P90X, although my desired way of eating, is too much for me to take on right now. I need to get my weight off, then I can focus on TRANSITIONING into a clean-eating lifestyle. For now, baby steps.

FITNESS
I’m going to keep doing P90X - I really think I will get great results from it simply because I build and maintain muscle really quickly - but I’m going to make it work for me. Today will be the start of my "week two" - I'm combining my first two weeks as one week - however, my "day one" will not always fall on Mondays. Basically, I'm going to do the work outs, but I'm not going to hold myself to perfection. In other words, if I need to take an extra rest day in the middle of the week, I will. But I won’t skip the work out, I’ll just push it to the next day. Basically, I'm just going to hold myself accountable to the number of work outs in each phase, not the time frame for each phase. The "three" remaining weeks I have of phase one might turn into four weeks - oh well! I’ll get all the work outs in and then I’ll move onto phase two. The program will take me longer than 90 days - oh well! It is what it is. But I’ll finish it! I think taking the pressure off it will make it more attainable for me in the long run. It will get rid of the “perfect or nothing” attitude I think I’ve had towards it. Doing the program this way will get rid of that – I don’t have a schedule to follow. I just have a number for the amount of times I should do each work out before I move onto the next phase. My ONLY RULE is to not have more than one rest day in a row. And I think I can stick to that. I'll finish the program, but it won't be P"90"X for me ... and that's okay.

WEIGHING
Last Saturday I gave my neighbor my scale. I couldn't look at it anymore. On January 24 I was 151 pounds, then on February 2 I was 155 pounds. Four pounds in a little over a week. True, some of it was water retention from starting to do weight training, but not four pounds worth! Then Superbowl Sunday happened, and all my slip ups last week - I don't even want to think about it right now. SO - I'm going to have my neighbor hang onto my scale until May. I’m only going to let myself weigh in on the first of every month, just to see if I’m moving in the right direction. So, two weeks from now on March 1, then a month later April 1, then another month later on May 1. At that point I’ll take the scale back and depending on where I am I’ll continue to weigh monthly or go back to weekly. Right now I need to make up for some lost time before I start seeing a number every week. I know it's going to be scary not knowing my weight, but I really think it will be good for me. My weight will be my weight no matter if I look at it or not; what's more important than looking at the number is making sure I'm making the right choices to make that number change, and I can do that without forcing myself to stare at my scale every week.

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What's the moral of the story? I need to figure out a way to feel like I'm not TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT! I've been "trying to lose weight" for years ... and years ... and years ... and here I am: 150-some-odd pounds STILL trying to break into the 140s and down into the land of thin-wonderfulness. Obviously, "trying to lose weight" doesn't work for me. So, what am I doing now? Living. Trying to live a better lifestyle.

What does that mean?

...well...

That means that I'm going to take a little break from my blog. Part of me thinks it will be an enormous mistake, but the other part thinks it could be a great step! I don't want to rely on this blog to be the only reason I'm motivated to do well with my "diet" and fitness program. I need to find something deeper inside me that pushes me to do it.

So, now that you know my plan, I bid you farewell - for just a little while. I'm going to take the next two weeks and just BE for a while. I'll be back on March 1 to report my weigh-in.

Until then...