I've been pulling some long-term weight-loss blogs (mostly written by people who have already lost all the weight they want to lose) and have been reading them from the beginning. Cover-to-cover so-to-speak. The first of these blogs I'm attempting to tackle is The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl. In a post I read today, she said something that really hit home:

In my mind I already feel like a skinny person. I just wish my body would catch up!

This is sort of how I've felt my entire life. Well, not my entire life.

When I was younger, elementary/middle school, even a little bit into high school, I had absolutely no confidence. No self esteem. Nothing. If you asked me my opinion of myself I would not give a favorable or positive response. Then towards the end of my junior year into my senior year, I'm not entirely sure what happened but somehow I became confident. I started feeling good about myself. I developed a quick wit, a charismatic charm, and a general aura about myself that screamed, "This is a girl who is comfortable in her own skin." And for the most part, that was true. Throughout college these feelings only grew stronger and stronger, until I became who I am today. Am I confident? Yes. Do I have good self esteem? Absolutely.

That is...

Until I look in the mirror. You see, if mirrors weren't ever invented I really believe I would be a fully, 100% confident person. I don't really think of myself as being fat. At any given moment, I don't really feel fat. In my mind, I believe I am a skinny person. I get dressed to go out and I feel pretty good most of the time. When I'm out at the bar, I can chat with new people and flirt with cute guys and be a very sparkling person to be around. But then I see my reflection in a mirror at the back of the bar, or walk past a clean window and see myself in it, or happen to linger just a little too long in the bathroom ... and then I remember. Oh yeah. I'm overweight.

In my mind, I'm already thin. I buy cloths a thin person would wear - and hope that one day I'll fit into them - because in my mind, I'm thin, I should already fit into them. I can only hope that someday soon these fantasies will be a reality, and I can finally be the thin girl I've always imagined in my mind.