I can feel myself starting to slip this week, and I can only pray it's just a temporary glitch.

Last night, my boss took all of his direct reports out for dinner. We went to a place called The City Winery, essentially a wine bar that also features higher end cuisine. I already knew I'd go over my points by drinking the wine, but that wasn't a huge concern of mine. Before dinner, appetizers were served. When they were first put down in front of me I didn't see anything that was really worth the trouble. Red-wine-soaked salami, prosciutto, cheese, and bread. I tried a small sample of each but nothing too crazy. Then, shortly after I had congratulated myself for not going over-board, the mushrooms came out. Stuffed mushrooms. Stuffed Parmesan mushrooms. Stuffed Parmesan mushrooms with garlic, and onions, and melted goodness. Needless to say, I had quite a few of these. I told myself after the first two, "You've been good for a while, tonight is a special event after all. Enjoy yourself!" If I had to guess, I probably had seven or eight by the end of the night. Next, it was time for dinner - a three course meal with three options for each course. My starter was a baby green salad with goat cheese, dried cherries, and a tangy vinaigrette of some kind - nothing too terrible. My main course was pomegranate-glazed roasted chicken breast with chestnut risotto - I had eaten so many mushrooms I had two or three bites of my chicken and about three quarters of my risotto. I was so full, I could barely sip down some water. Then, dessert: a chocolate torte with raspberry coulis. I won't even attempt to dance around the fact that I ate the entire torte, and it was a pretty decent size. Not to mention two additional pieces of bread with dinner and three glasses of wine.

I went home last night and didn't feel too terrible about the evening. My week has just started so I have plenty of time to get back on track for the week, and I do have my weekly points to dip into (all of which I assigned to the meal, in addition to the 16 points I had left for the day in the first place). I figured as long as I stuck to my daily points the rest of the week, went to the gym this morning and twice more before my weigh-in, and made it a point to go to my Pilates class on Sunday ... well ... I should be fine. I went to sleep feeling content with my rationalization, and decided to not think about it anymore, just be on point the rest of the week and it will all work out.

This morning I got to work. And I felt like a blob. I'm not sure if it was because I slept in a little late so I didn't have time to shower or because of my behavior last night at dinner, but whatever the reason I felt like I was just a puddle of goo morphing around my office. Earlier this week I found a box of Dunkin Donuts in the fridge, no doubt leftovers from a going away party that was held on Monday. All week I've seen them, and all week I've resisted them. This morning on my way to the bathroom, I glanced into the kitchen and said, "I wonder if they are still there." I went into the fridge and saw the box, and when I opened it, the only donut left was the one I'd been eyeing all week. Without even a moments hesitation I grabbed the box out of the fridge, snagged the donut, threw the box away, and devoured the frosted treat in a matter of seconds. I walked back to my desk, sat down, and all of a sudden, like a MALLET against my skull, it sunk it.

WTF was I doing!? I just ate SO much last night, and now, here I was, eating a DONUT for breakfast!?

The donut isn't even the worse problem. I went to the gym this morning, mainly so I could shower, and had yet another terrible work out. I ran for about three minutes before I decided to give up, then I got on the stair-master for, oh I don't know, maybe another three minutes. I went to my favorite arm machine and did one set of ten reps. And that was it. Off to the locker room to shower. The whole time I was "working out" I kept telling myself, "Today needs to be a good work out, you need to work off dinner and that donut!" But it didn't matter. I didn't want to. I HATE working out now. I went to my Pilates class on Wednesday, and I love it. But regular workouts in the gym have now become so tedious and monotonous that I don't even want to be a part of them anymore.

The bottom line: I'm scared.

As of Wednesday I am 151.8, just 1.9 pounds away from being in the 140s. But the thing is, I've been here before. Since I got down to my lowest weight of 148/149, I've gotten into the low 150s three times. And each and every time, I stopped, and gained all the weight back again. Like clockwork. It's almost like my body is rejecting the idea of losing any more weight. Or like my brain is wired in a way that makes me refuse to keep working. It's like ... this is all I've got.

I'm not happy at this weight. I'm not. I don't understand why tmy motivation to work out is completely gone. I don't understand why the donut that has plagued my thoughts all week finally won. I don't understand why I feel like all of a sudden I'm going to fail. I can't slip. I can't fall. I can't fail! This is too hard! I can't keep doing it! I HATE that I'm even writing another post like this. I had stupidly hoped that next week I'd break into the 140s. I'll be lucky if I even lose a pound at this point.

Ugh. I don't even want to write anymore. Sob sob sob. Woe is me. Just, ugh. I'm done.