Ugh. Yeah. Well. There it is.

I honestly don't even know what to say about it. I know exactly how it happened. 100%. I'm SO off-kilter at this point, I have no idea how to even begin to regain my footing. I don't know what happened. I really don't. See this!? SEE IT!? 8.2 pounds ago. 8.2 FREAKING POUNDS AGO!

I mean, I don't want to sit here and blame it all on P90X, but that's pretty much what caused this. I was doing just fine, I really was. I was down 11.2 pounds, I was only 1.1 pounds away from breaking into the 140s, I was on my way! But I just wasn't losing fast enough. I wanted more, I wanted faster, I wanted to break out of the 150s SO badly that I changed things up, and it was a huge, HUGE mistake.

Now, here I am. Almost back into the 160s. I'm so mad I could scream. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I actually felt okay. I saw the number and thought to myself, "Yeah, well, you ate like a pig Friday, Sunday, and Monday nights. What did you expect? Just deal with it and move on." I did this to myself, so why should I be angry, right?

Well FUCK that! I'm PISSED! Yes, I AM mad at MYSELF, but I'm pissed nonetheless. Are you KIDDING me Sam!? WTF are you doing!? You've gained almost ALL of the weight that you lost since NOVEMBER! How DARE you sit there and tell yourself you're trying, or that you want this, when you can't even commit to it your FIRST WEEK BACK ON!? OH, and what did you do this morning, when a coworker asked you if you wanted a donut!? YOU ATE IT! YOU ATE THE DONUT, even after knowing that you gained a pound last week.


I'm SO done with this bullshit! I'm SO done rationalizing my way out of feeling bad about being a fuck up on this diet. I am SO fucking tired of making excuses and explaining all the reasons why "it's okay, it's okay, it's okay." IT'S NOT FUCKING OKAY! You HATE your body! You ALWAYS have! So STOP BEING A FUCKING IDIOT AND JUST DO IT! Like ... honestly ... ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?

Ooo, I'm mad! GOOD! Maybe I need to be fucking mad at myself! Maybe I need to curse and yell and scream and have a post I can look back on in the upcoming months that is REAL and HONEST. THIS IS REAL AND HONEST: I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING FAT AND YO-YOING AND "LOSING WEIGHT" AND BEING ON A DIET!


This weigh-in WILL BE the LAST weigh-in I gain weight due to user error. If I gain weight because I start working out or because my body decides to hang onto it, then fine. But I will NOT gain weight ONE MORE WEEK because I decided to be a fat ass. I'm SO over it! 100% over it! I can't do this anymore! I can't keep going back and forth and back and forth.

LOOK AT THAT LINE UP THERE! It may as well be straight up! Fuck this, I'm done with this. Next week that number will drop. Mark my fucking words!

*breathe*

First thing tomorrow morning I am going to measure myself and compare my measurements to the measurements I took on my first day of P90X to see if I've gained inches. I know I have, but I need to know how much. I know that some of the added weight will come off relatively fast, but no where near all of it. I just need to know how much. I'm so mad at myself I can't even type anymore. So I'm done for now.