Okay. Here we go. A fresh start.

As I explained last week, I needed a mental reset. I needed to forget about the past, start fresh, and move forward. So, here I am, moving forward. Last week my plan was to simply maintain until I could get my mind wrapped around my new plan. I gained .2 pounds, which in my mind is a pretty decent maintenance. This is my new starting point, and I'm ready to go.

I feel really good this time around. I think I finally have the right attitude. I know I've said that before, many times, but this time I honestly believe I have the right mentality. It doesn't matter how fast I get this done, as long as I do. I don't need to create meal plans and food tracking sheets and spreadsheets that calculate my weight loss. I don't need any of that. I know how to eat. I always have. I don't need to freak out about this! I just need to trust myself, trust the process, stay focused, and let my body do the rest. If I don't get there by X, Y, or Z, then oh well. The point is, I will get there. I have nothing but time - I'm going to make that time count!

Ugh. Yeah. Well. There it is.

I honestly don't even know what to say about it. I know exactly how it happened. 100%. I'm SO off-kilter at this point, I have no idea how to even begin to regain my footing. I don't know what happened. I really don't. See this!? SEE IT!? 8.2 pounds ago. 8.2 FREAKING POUNDS AGO!

I mean, I don't want to sit here and blame it all on P90X, but that's pretty much what caused this. I was doing just fine, I really was. I was down 11.2 pounds, I was only 1.1 pounds away from breaking into the 140s, I was on my way! But I just wasn't losing fast enough. I wanted more, I wanted faster, I wanted to break out of the 150s SO badly that I changed things up, and it was a huge, HUGE mistake.

Now, here I am. Almost back into the 160s. I'm so mad I could scream. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I actually felt okay. I saw the number and thought to myself, "Yeah, well, you ate like a pig Friday, Sunday, and Monday nights. What did you expect? Just deal with it and move on." I did this to myself, so why should I be angry, right?

Well FUCK that! I'm PISSED! Yes, I AM mad at MYSELF, but I'm pissed nonetheless. Are you KIDDING me Sam!? WTF are you doing!? You've gained almost ALL of the weight that you lost since NOVEMBER! How DARE you sit there and tell yourself you're trying, or that you want this, when you can't even commit to it your FIRST WEEK BACK ON!? OH, and what did you do this morning, when a coworker asked you if you wanted a donut!? YOU ATE IT! YOU ATE THE DONUT, even after knowing that you gained a pound last week.


I'm SO done with this bullshit! I'm SO done rationalizing my way out of feeling bad about being a fuck up on this diet. I am SO fucking tired of making excuses and explaining all the reasons why "it's okay, it's okay, it's okay." IT'S NOT FUCKING OKAY! You HATE your body! You ALWAYS have! So STOP BEING A FUCKING IDIOT AND JUST DO IT! Like ... honestly ... ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?

Ooo, I'm mad! GOOD! Maybe I need to be fucking mad at myself! Maybe I need to curse and yell and scream and have a post I can look back on in the upcoming months that is REAL and HONEST. THIS IS REAL AND HONEST: I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING FAT AND YO-YOING AND "LOSING WEIGHT" AND BEING ON A DIET!


This weigh-in WILL BE the LAST weigh-in I gain weight due to user error. If I gain weight because I start working out or because my body decides to hang onto it, then fine. But I will NOT gain weight ONE MORE WEEK because I decided to be a fat ass. I'm SO over it! 100% over it! I can't do this anymore! I can't keep going back and forth and back and forth.

LOOK AT THAT LINE UP THERE! It may as well be straight up! Fuck this, I'm done with this. Next week that number will drop. Mark my fucking words!

*breathe*

First thing tomorrow morning I am going to measure myself and compare my measurements to the measurements I took on my first day of P90X to see if I've gained inches. I know I have, but I need to know how much. I know that some of the added weight will come off relatively fast, but no where near all of it. I just need to know how much. I'm so mad at myself I can't even type anymore. So I'm done for now.

Yepp. That's about right! I knew I was going to see a number I didn't like, but to be honest, I expected it to be worse than that. I really was expecting to see the 160s again, so I guess when all is said and done I can't really be too upset. If you look on my weigh-ins page, you'll notice this little stretch of nonsense:


I mean, that pretty much says it all. I didn't weigh myself for five weeks and I gained 7.2 pounds. Moral of the story? WEIGH-IN! If I had seen a gain on 1/30 or 2/6 I would have stopped it right then and there, and maybe it only would have been 2 or 3 pounds at that point. Oh well, it happens. You move on.

I feel a lot better about things right now. Things in my life outside of weight loss are going really well and I finally feel like I'm breaking out of my two-year funk. *knock on wood* I finally feel like I'm becoming myself again, and that in and of itself is reason enough to get back on track and finish what I started. The good news is I've still lost 4 pounds since I started this stretch of my journey - and about 30 pounds total from New Year's Eve 2012 - and that's great. I still have a ways to go, but I think my head is finally on straight and I'm looking at things a lot more evenly. I'm not as concerned about dates or goals or meeting a deadline. Right now, I just want to lose weight. Period. So, I wanted to meet my goal by May 1st - I'm not going to, oh well, but maybe by May 1st I can be back to where I was before this gain. Then maybe by June 1st I can be in the low 140s, or maybe even the high 130s. Maybe I'll spend Forth of July on a boat, basking in the sun, comfortably in the low 130s. Maybe I won't be in that bikini I imagined but I'll still be more confident and still feel a lot better about myself. At this point I need to look at this journey in baby steps. Why this sudden change of attitude? Well ... next post ...

Down another 2.2 pounds from last week. Phew. I'm really happy with that number. The last four or five days I haven't been tracking; I've been cleaning up my kitchen, so-to-speak, eating all of the foods I had that I can't eat once I start P90X tomorrow! None of these foods were bad necessarily - they were all healthier options - but the combination of foods I've had has been very, very strange. Basically 26(+) points a day in [healthy] junk food - ice cream, brownies, cracker-chips, etc. I went over my points every day, sometimes by a little and sometimes by a lot. So, all things considered I'm really happy about that number. It feels good to be out in front as far as my weight loss is concerned, and hopefully moving forward I won't have anymore steps backwards.

I'm really excited to begin P90X! I'm slightly terrified of the workouts, but I really have a good feeling about the program overall. That doesn't mean I don't have any concerns, of course. Not being able to use the scale to gauge my progress is going to be tough, and not getting frustrated with the difficulty of the workouts is also going to be a challenge. But I think my main worry is the fact that the diet is roughly 1800 calories per day (although my days seem to be a touch lower most of the time, around 1400-1500). Therefore I'm going to be consuming 200-600 additional calories per day (with the considerations of a 1200 calorie diet). If I don't bust my butt in the workouts and get the estimated burn then I'm going to be eating too much to consistently drop weight... but more to come on this in my next post.

For now, I feel pretty satisfied at 151 pounds. I think the worst part of my journey is over. Only 26 more pounds to go, and now that I think I've found a program that will really get my butt into shape (literally) I really, really am confident I'm going to get this done. I feel REALLY good about things right now, and I really haven't felt that way in quite a long time! *cheeses*

There's my gain. 1.4 pounds. But like I said, it's okay. And actually, I was expecting far worse than that. I had three off days last week, and I didn't work out at all aside from my Pilates class Wednesday night. So honestly, the fact that it was only 1.4 pounds is really a good thing. Sure I'm bummed to be that much further away from breaking into the 140s, but it's okay. If it doesn't happen next week, then it will happen the week after. I know it. I know I will get into the 140s by February and I can move forward. I know I said I was going to abandon my timeline, and I am. The only reason I still want to be in the 140s by the end of January is because I really need that mental shift. For most people, just as Weight Watchers preaches, losing 10% of their body weight is the turning point - the point where they become extra motivated and really can't wait to do more. For me, it's not 10%. It's 149.9 pounds (I guess my 10% would be around 145 pounds anyway, so they aren't too far off, hahaa).

Even with the gain this week I am in good spirits. For some reason I have a new boost of confidence. I think it's because I'm starting P90X tomorrow and I really think that will be good for me. I work really well on a schedule and that's exactly what it does. Starting next week I'm going to do better on my eating too. I don't mean "do better" as far as points are concerned, I mean I guess I mean that too, but what I really mean is "do better" as far a what I eat. I'm going to go to the grocery store this weekend and get myself situated with some better eating. Lately I've relied a lot on fruit salads for breakfast (which is fine I suppose), Lean Cuisine's for lunch, and either a salad or turkey burger for dinner. I need to start getting some better habits into my diet.

Sort of piggy-backing on that, P90X has a nutrition guide to it as well. I don't have the guide but I'm going to try and find a free version of it online somewhere for download. Once I get home tonight I'm going to take a closer look at it (download pending) and figure out how to incorporate it into my lifestyle. I assume without even looking at it that it's going to be a lot of whole foods and clean eating, which is truthfully what I need to start doing anyway. I love food. And I like cooking. And I need to make life-long changes. Lean Cuisines are only going to last me so long, ya know?

More to come tonight. For now, up 1.4 pounds. But it's okay! *positive Sam*

Woohoo! Down 3.2 pounds! Although, more than likely I'm not down quite that much in one week. Last week I didn't technically weigh-in. I weighed-in on New Year's Eve at 153.1, and realistically I was most likely around the 153.something range on my actual weigh-in day last week. However, because I drank quite a bit on New Years and I had a mini-pig-out-session (nothing major) on Tuesday, I simply assumed that I had gained a little bit of weight - so I decided to say 155 just to be safe. If I had to take a stab in the dark, I'd say my real weight last week was 153.5 or so, giving me a 1.5 pound loss last week and a 1.7 pound loss this week. Either way, I'm 151.8 today, and that feels awesome!

I'm only 1.9 pounds away from a huge milestone. Seeing my weight in the 140s is something I've thought about for a long, long time. I briefly got down into the 140s during my first real success in weight-loss, back in September-December 2010. On New Year's Eve 2011 I was at my lowest adult weight ever, roughly 148/149 pounds. My moment of glory was incredibly brief, and before I knew it I was back into the 150s, soon to climb into the 160s, then the 170s, and finally landing back into the 180s by the following New Year (2012). This New Years I was in the low 150s, and next New Years I will be in the 120s!

It's kind of freaky to me, actually, to think that I could potentially reach this milestone NEXT WEEK!? I'm not anticipating that I will, 1.9 pounds is a pretty lofty goal, but at the same time, it's not completely out of the realm of possibility. In seven short days I could be walking around weighing in the 140s! That's a crazy, crazy thought. It's been over a year since I've felt that satisfaction, and I only felt it for a moment. If I'm this excited about the 140s, I don't even want to think about what I'll be like when I'm teetering the 130s! I'll be a BASKET CASE, hahaa.

Oh, and I got yet another badge! Yay me:

Now, I have to be honest about something. I didn't weigh-in this week, and actually this post is being written on Thursday, January 3, NOT Wednesday, January 2. Essentially I'm adding in this entry for the pure sake of consistency. Why did I choose to keep my weigh-in at 155? On Monday, I weighed-in at 153.1, so what made me choose to up my weight rather than simply use 153.1 as my official weigh-in number?

The plain and simple reason is that I'm pretty sure I gained a little bit of weight in the last few days. My friend was in from Michigan and even though I had a plan it was very difficult to stick with and it simply fell through the cracks. I didn't track any food Monday through Wednesday and spent very little time worrying about it. Although my friend was actually the one who was on vacation, I was very much living a vacation lifestyle for a few days. We spent the majority of time away from my apartment, so cooking wasn't an option. To be honest, I expected to pig out with her every single night, and we only really did once - so I consider the "trip" a success. At the end of the day I don't have any regrets, and I think it's because these last couple of days tied into the "special event" category I talked about in my last post. Looking back, if given another chance, I know I wouldn't have done anything differently.

Back to the weigh-in. Even though I don't know for sure I'm back at 155, I'm comfortable with that number as a pretty safe assumption. If next week I have a massive drop then I'll know I was a bit off, but I think I'm close enough in the ball park that next week will throw out a typical number. I don't really have anything else to say as I'm not really sure where I'm at, but I'm confident going into this week and I know that now that the distractions of the holidays are done and over with I can get back to being focused and start inching my way to goal!

First thing's first: I'm down a pound. I'm actually okay with that, and I'll explain why in a minute. Next item on the agenda: obviously I did not blog at least once a day as I'd previously decided. The fact of the matter is I simply didn't have time. A busy couple of days at work coupled with driving to Michigan for the holiday weekend simply ate up all of my time. However, even without blogging I was able to do very well, for the most part... Now, back to the reason why I'm okay with just one pound lost. As I said, I ate very well this last week every day, almost. Sunday night was the exception. I did NOT eat well Sunday night. I'm not going to get into the gritty details, but let's just say obscene amounts of donuts and pizza were involved. Needless to say, a one-pound loss actually feels pretty decent considering how off track I got that night.

I've made a decision over the last couple of days that I think will help me get back on track without losing my mind. The fact of the matter is, the holidays are hard! Most people gain weight during the holidays, so to even maintain your weight should be considered a success. Since I started Weight Watchers I've lost 7.2 pounds. Is that how much I wanted to lose? No, absolutely not. BUT, this 7.2 pounds was lost during the two most difficult weight-loss months of the year: November and December - smack dab in the middle of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. So, at the end of the day I have to be proud of myself. On the other hand, the main reasons of my not losing as much as I would have liked are not necessarily reasons related to the holidays, and these are things I will need to work on. So, here is my new plan...

Obviously I will not be reaching my goal of being in the 140s by New Years Eve - even if I worked out every single day and ate perfectly there is no way I'll be able to lose 5.1 pounds in one week. So, my new goal for the remainder of 2012 is to NOT GAIN! If I can start 2013 at a solid 155 pounds, or less, then I will be happy. That will give me a solid 30 pounds to lose in four months - 17 weeks to be exact, which works out to be about 1.76 pounds per week. Is this a lofty goal? Absolutely, and to be honest I may not be able to do it. However, with that being said, it is possible. It's not terribly off the wall or completely out of reach. It's difficult, yes, but realistic at the same time.

I'm going to take a conscious break from blogging for the remainder of 2012. I have a friend coming in on Monday for New Years Eve and she will be staying until Thursday morning. These are going to be difficult days, so I will be preparing myself by staying 100% on plan from now until she lands Monday afternoon. I went to the gym this morning for a very quick run, as I will do tomorrow and Friday as well. I also am starting my Pilates classes tonight, and will be also going tomorrow night and Sunday night as well. Once she gets in Monday I'm going to make smart choices, but I'm not going to worry about tracking or counting points. I'm just going to eat reasonably and, again, try not to gain.

Wednesday morning I will weigh-in (although I probably won't blog my results until Thursday at work). I am hoping I will be able to at the very least maintain my current weight of 155 and start the new year off with new motivation. The fact is, I know once New Year's Eve has come and gone I will find a new fire inside me. Right now, I'm just kind of beat up. 2012 was not a good year for me, for many reasons, and although I'm not completely happy with the progress I've made, I have to think about one thing:

Last New Year's Eve (January 3rd to be exact) I weighed 182.8 pounds. This New Year's Eve, I will be almost 30 pounds lighter. And that's a good feeling. Maybe I've struggled these last couple of months, but I have made progress. And I need to start realizing that. I need to start focusing on the changes I have made, and not focus so strongly on the changes I still want to make. Bottom line: I know I'll get there. Maybe not by May 1. Maybe by May 31, or sometime in June. But I will get there. I will be 125 pounds in time to enjoy the summer.

Yepp. +2.4 pounds. I'm not surprised. At all. And to be honest, I've had this coming for weeks now. There have been several weeks I've cheated in one way or another and I really didn't pay a big price. So, I'm paying for it now. To be honest, I'm okay with it. I think I needed it actually.

The past few weeks I've been skating by on luck. I'm stilled stunned about losing during a few of those weeks. This gain has been due for quite some time now. And the fact of the matter is, I think if it hadn't come I would have continued to keep walking down the path I've been on: eating terribly, not working out, and still hoping for good results. I've been lucky; now, reality has finally caught up with me.

I've been on Weight Watcher's for six weeks now, and I've only lost 6.2 pounds. That's barely a pound a week. I could sit here and put my positive twist on it and say, "Hey, it's 6.2 pounds off my body," but the fact of the matter is I'm not proud of that. Six weeks in? I should not be down ONLY 6.2 pounds!

I can do it. I know I can. I KNOW I can. There isn't even an ounce of doubt in my body. So then WHY has it been so difficult for me?

The holidays? Maybe.
Distractions at work? Definitely.
Self sabotage? ... Hmm.

No, I don't think that's it. I think it's as simple as I just haven't cared. I've been so worried about looking cute at work because of my crush that I haven't come into work dirty in order to push me to go to the gym. I've been so lazy about grocery shopping and cooking, and so complacent about what I eat in general. Ugh. I dunno. I'm mad at myself, that's for DAMN sure!

BUT. What's done is done. Today I went to the gym. First time in over two weeks. Was it the greatest work out? No. But it was a work out none the least. I've also decided I'm going to sign up for Pilates classes. There is a studio right downstairs from my apartment. Today on the way home from work I'm going to stop in and figure out what would be the best for me. They have classes Wednesday and Thursday night and Saturday and Sunday morning, and they also have a free class every Sunday evening. I'm DEFINITELY going to be participating in the free Sunday classes from now on (except this weekend, obviously, as I will be in Michigan). I'm going to make sure I do EVERY Wednesday AND EVERY Thursday, that way if I decide I want to sleep in on the weekends I'll still have three classes a week under my belt.

So, I guess I have a new plan.

• I'm going to start taking Pilates classes 3-5 times a week (3 MINIMUM).
• I'm going to go to the gym EVERY DAY - weights daily, cardio Tuesdays and Thursdays.
• I'm never going to eat into my weekly points unless I'm out for a meal or there's a special event.
• I'm going to keep a pack of gum in my purse, in my desk, and in my coffee table at all times!
• I'm going to blog at least once a day.

Down 1.6 pounds! I'll definitely take it this week. I look back on the last week and I'm actually really surprised by that number. I drank [a lot] Wednesday night, I had McDonald's on Friday, Coney Island on Saturday, Taco Bell on Sunday, and I didn't work out one single time! I'm not saying I'm going to make this behavior habit, but it's nice to know that I was able to balance out my food intake enough to offset my few indulgences. Kinda makes me feel like I'll be able to keep the weight off once I'm finally done.

Time to check in with my first mini goal of being in the 140s by New Year's Eve. Two weeks in and I am definitely ahead of schedule. Here were my original targets to hit altered with my actual weigh-ins:

Dec 05: 156.4 - 155.2
Dec 12: 154.6 - 153.6
Dec 19: 152.7
Dec 26: 150.9

So, here are my new targets for the next two weeks:

Dec 19: 152.2
Dec 26: 150.8

1.4 pounds a week, and .9 pounds between December 26 and December 31. I really, really hope I can do it. It looks good, but it's still a little too close to tell. Either way, no matter the results, I decided this morning I'm going to be pleased with whatever I weight come New Year's Eve. Even if I'm a little shy of being in the 140s, I'll still be better of than I was, or even am now.

I guess my point is that I'm starting to become content with the idea of "the big picture" in the sense that it really doesn't matter when I finish, it just matters if I finish. I still have very strong hopes to lose all the weight I want to lose by the beginning of May, but if I don't and I still have a few pounds left to go, then so be it! The point is I'll have made progress in the right direction, and as long as I keep doing that then eventually I will cross that finish line!

Holy crap. I LOST 3 FREAKING POUNDS! I stepped on the scale this morning and literally could not believe the number I saw. I actually was mildly expecting to gain. Between using up almost all of my 35 weekly points and only working out two days ... I don't know. I guess I was just preparing myself for the worst. When I stepped on the scale I actually closed my eyes. I didn't want to look down. I could feel every nerve in my body tense and I just kept repeating in my brain, "Just let me see 157.something. 156.something would be better, but please just let me see 157.something." When I saw 155.2 my eyes popped open so wide I thought one of my eyeballs would fall out. I actually had to get off the scale and weigh myself again; I couldn't believe that number, it had to be wrong. I must not have stepped on the scale correctly and it read me inaccurately. That must have been what happened. But NOPE! The second reading was exactly the same: 155.2!

After my first month on Weight Watchers I've lost 7 pounds. Am I happy with this, absolutely. It's 7 pounds off my body forever. And who knows, maybe next week I'll have another loss like this week? I doubt it though. I can't imagine having two huge losses back to back like that. But then again I didn't think I'd lose 3 pounds this week either. I guess it just goes to show you that the body is going to do whatever the body wants to do. All I can do at this point is keep following the program. Even if I'm a little off my goal by the beginning of May I'll still be a lot thinner than I am now, and I guess that's what I really need to focus on.

Oh! And my Weight Watchers app gave me a little badge for being a good little weight-watcher:

I ... LOST!? I can't even believe it. And, I mean, I lost a whole pound! True, it's not as much as I'd generally like to see, but for this week!? I'll TOTALLY take it. I think I'm still in a slight state of shock. When I stepped onto the scale I literally closed my eyes and took a deep breath, bracing myself for the travesty that was about to appear before me. When I opened my eyes I was completely expecting to see a number in the 160s. I literally am stunned. Although, I do have to say that even though I was lucky and ended up losing this week, I had a big eye-opener!

I want to lose weight. I want to be thin. I am tired of being the way I am. And I know I can do it. I know I can. I've done it before! Hell, over the course of my life I've probably lost at least 100 pounds, if not more. Clearly I am able to lose weight. I should have no more excuses at this point. I need to focus on what I want and make it happen. Nothing is holding me back on this except myself. Food is not going to rule my life. It's not going to mold who I am. I refuse to let FOOD be something that prevents me from happiness.

I think it's time to set my First Mini Goal. I know it's not really good to put a timeline on weight loss, but it helps me keep focused. New Year's Eve 2011 I was at my lowest adult weight ever: 148/149 pounds. I can't remember the exact number, but I know it was in the upper 140s and I know it made me feel GREAT! Within the first month of 2011 so many things in my life starting going right, for the first time in a very long time. I got a new job which, at the time, seemed to be an awesome opportunity, and the best pay I'd ever gotten. I got cast as Maureen in Rent, one of my all-time dream roles. And I started dating Jesse, a really sexy firefighter with a heart of gold - who I actually met on New Year's Eve. My life finally seemed like it was heading down the right path. Then, everything changed. I guess I got cocky or thought I didn't need to work on my weight any longer. Before I knew it the pounds started to creep back on, and one by one the things I had just gained were suddenly leaving my life. True, none of these things left because of my weight: my job had turned out to be nothing more than a slave-ship and I desperately wanted to fall overboard, the run of Rent simply came to an end, and Jesse and I found that the hour-and-fifteen-minute commute between our houses was simply too difficult. My weight had nothing to do with anything, but I've always looked back on the first few months of 2011 as an incredibly symbolic moment in my life. It started off amazing, with me being at the lowest weight I'd ever been. Everything was going my way and for the first time ever I was actually, 100%, truly happy. Then, when the weight came back, slowly I crept back into my normal state of mind - slightly depressed, always yearning for more.

My First Mini Goal is therefore clear as a bell - Be in the 140s by New Year's Eve 2013.

Today I weighed-in at 158.2, meaning, at minimum, I have to lose 8.3 pounds by December 31. In order to do this, my weigh-ins need to somewhat reflect this:

Dec 05: 156.4
Dec 12: 154.6
Dec 19: 152.7
Dec 26: 150.9

Leaving me a pound to lose between December 26 and December 31. Is this a long shot? Maybe. Maybe I'm reaching just a little bit too high. But the way I see it, it's completely doable. No, it's not an easy goal, but I don't want to just reach for what's easy. If I fall a little short, so be it, but at least I'll know I tried my best. At the end of the day, being off by a pound or two really isn't going to effect how I look, or how I feel. I just know I will have such a good aura around me that night if I can get ready to go out knowing I'm back in the 140s, ready to start a new year! The only way to do that is to really buckle down. No more excuses. No. More. Cheating! I have a lot to do this month! I can't afford to waste any more time.

The picture says it all. I gained .4 pounds. Not terrible, I suppose, but not the greatest. I think the hardest part of losing weight is when you see a gain on the scale. It's devastating, especially during a week like this. I didn't cheat. At all. I did everything I was supposed to. I even made sure I worked out every single [work] day - even Monday! I couldn't participate in my usual morning work out as I wanted to follow up on a few things with my boss, so I was planning on going after work. When the time came, I really didn't want to. But I went anyway! It tastes kind of bitter now knowing that it was all in vain. Am I happy I went, yeah, sure, but I want the results too. I will never be one of those people who enjoy going to the gym simply to be healthy and to get that "after-work-out" rush; I want a tight butt, toned arms, and washboard abs from my work out regimen.

True, .4 pounds is not the end of the world. It's just frustrating because I didn't do anything to warrant it. If I had cheated or even missed a work out or two, then okay, it was my fault. But whose fault is this? My Weight Watchers app tried to make me feel better by sending me this little message after I logged my weigh-in:

So, you gained a little bit this week.

Gaining is a normal part of the process and can happen for a lot of reasons. Look back at this week and see what you might be able to change; then let go of what you can't.

The best thing to do is focus on making this coming week a success.

Well, that's very nice Weight Watchers app, but it's still hard to not feel a little down about the whole thing, especially since there isn't anything for me to change. But, the only thing I can do at this point is move forward. Hopefully this week was a fluke and any gains from here on out will be at my own hand. Little gains like this without any sort of reason, in any sort of a reoccurring pattern, will absolutely make me lose faith that I can do this.

And I know I can. I have to!

Down 3.4 pounds! In the past I've done a lot of rapid-weight-loss diets, and my first real week on each program I usually lost five or more pounds, so I was expecting to be disappointed with whatever today's number was - but actually, I feel really good about that number. Maybe it's because that number was all me; just me and my hard work. Me making the right food choices. Me getting my butt to the gym. Me making changes for me! In the past, in all honesty, the diets deserved all of the credit. They told me what to eat, and how much to eat, and when to eat, and even sometimes how to eat. And in most cases I wasn't required to work out, so I didn't. Any losses were a direct result of the science behind the diet, not a result in any way of my efforts. True, 3.4 pounds is less than five pounds, but it's 3.4 pounds - 3.4 pounds for which I worked very hard, and I'm going to enjoy both of them!

I'm doing my best not to set any goals for myself in terms of a time frame, but in the back of my mind I really want to be at my goal by the time bathing suit season hits: so, I'd say around mid-April. That gives me 24 weeks to lose 33(.8) pounds, which works out to be a little less than a pound and a half a week. That's completely doable! And so far, I'm ahead of schedule! I'm not going to make trackers this time, or hold myself to a rigid minimum standard - but as long as I'm averaging a pound and a half a week I will be happy. Sure, some weeks I'll only lose one, maybe only a half, but then other weeks, like this week, I'll lose two or more. As long as I average a pound and a half a week I know I'll keep in good spirits.

Yeah, that sounds about right. I knew before I even stepped on the scale that I was going to see a higher number than I wanted to see. When I moved into my apartment the first week of August I was in the high 150s. The last couple of months I've been somewhat distracted with other things. True, this number isn't horrible in comparison, it could definitely have been a lot worse - considering the fact that I haven't focused on weight loss in almost two months. It's just somewhat hard to swallow, in regards to going back up into the 160s after being in the 150s.

I think this time around I need to focus on the larger picture. I've already made a promise to myself that I'm not going to weigh-in everyday like I have in the past. Just once a week; well, twice a week - every Wednesday morning on my personal scale at home and every Wednesday afternoon at my Weight Watchers meetings - mainly because I'd like to see the difference in the scales. In the past I've kept trackers, and trackers, and more trackers, that show my average weight-loss per month, per week, per day even, and that map out projected dates of when I will reach certain weights. I'm not going to do that this time around.

I'm going to take each month, each week, each day at a time.

I think that's another big change in my outlook this time around. Each day I'm only going to focus on what I can control that day. I can choose to eat an apple instead of a brownie. I can choose to order a turkey burger without cheese. I can choose to make it a point to go to the gym every work day. These are things I can control each and every day, and as long as I succeed in these things, then I will succeed in my larger goal. Sure, it might take me a little longer, but I will get there.

And I will get there the right way.